My Husband Makes Me Nervous Wreck: Feel Uncomfortable Around My Husband

In my years in practice and as a social being I've come across a number of marriages that were, shall we say, to put it tactfully, not functioning optimally. Over time I came to see that such marriages fell into several general categories. And I found it a high likelihood that couples in marriages such as these would bump up against the possibility of divorce sooner or later.

One problem structure I call either the Over/Under-Function--or sometimes the 'Slavery-Freedom' model--of marriage. Often this comes to be in the following way: A woman grows up with a controlling, rich father, who makes her life miserable until she literally feels enslaved. In a concerted effort to create a better life for herself, she will marry a weak, unsuccessful husband so she can feel free. [This works with men and their mothers, too.] She seems to subscribe to a dynamic where one must control or be controlled. This usually works out badly, to say the least. Using other words for a similar dynamic, this can be where the life-long over-functioner marries the paragon of under-functioning.

I saw one lesbian couple* who had been together a long time [as they liked to say, they were lesbians before it was all the rage] and weathered a number of storms. They were comfortable with each other and actually complained very little about their relationship, but Joanie, the partner who saw me more frequently, had a number of stress-related illnesses. It turned out that the more her partner lost jobs, overspent, and drank, the more jobs Joanie took on, sleeping less and less, and compensating both financially and in general functioning for her partner. It struck me as no surprise that Joanie was sick.

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On and off throughout the years I saw a woman*--and she's not one of my greatest success stories, but I include her because she's a great example--who had a very high need to control and over-function. She had grown up with that case-study dynamic of an over-bearing father, and she was determined that each man she married would be, if we're to call a spade a spade, weak and hapless.

It came out in every relationship, but marriage was where it seemed to wreak the most damage. Rose originally married an artist, a job that appealed to her as it seemed freeing, imaginative--unbound by the rules that so constricted her own sense of being [it may come as no surprise to you that she was a computer programmer]. But the problem with this marriage was that her husband made no money, and seemed so hapless that to get him to do anything required instruction from her--and really she was running two people's lives, with only one salary.

So she divorced him and married a doctor, certain that here would be a successful man, and, she assured me, they would be more equal partners. However this was as managed care was reaching its heyday, so once again she was left with a man who hardly made a living--his practice downsized him right on out--and who had been spoiled by his first wife, when he earned a better salary, so that he hardly contributed to household chores. So, after a brief period of 'love is blind'-ness, Rose bossed him about, too, and took charge of his resume and sending it out. It was hardly a step up from the first husband, and here she now was in charge of job searches as well. Honestly, Rose likes controlling so much that I'm not sure she would have called it quits, but the doctor couldn't take having his every step micro-managed, and they cordially agreed to part ways.

Ironically, Rose, who has decided she should be cautious before she marries again, is now involved with a man who's prone to seizures and therefore can't drive. This is a serious impediment to his career progress, as he's a musician and gets gigs throughout the city. Clearly, Rose needs to drive him; and she monitors his health like a hawk, ever fearful that he might convulse and she won't be around.

Let's say you're in such a marriage, and are finding yourself increasingly frustrated. One of the crucial questions you need to ask yourself before you leave is how you can improve things if you walk so your situation will be different the next time. If you don't ask this, and don't take the steps to make things different, you might be like Rose, heading into a third marriage which is, in its outlines, very little different from your first.

In such a case, really, doesn't it make more sense to stay in a marriage and work through your issue, than to rack up marriages, repeating your pattern each time?

*All names and identifying characteristics of clients have been changed.

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Marriage is an institution that has existed for centuries. Many try to prove that it is outdated, and yet day in, day out a myriad of couples walk down the aisle. Marriage has stood the test of time and has proved to provide immense benefits. Here is a brief list of marriage edges.

In the initial stage, being head over heels into your significant other fills you with exhilaration and boosts your entire life; the results are scrumptious breakfast every morning, a luscious and restorative cup of coffee or hot chocolate prepared by your spouse, nifty ideas coming up one after the other, an illustrious career. Later, marriage is a real money saver: you swap dinners in restaurants with dinners at home, large scale shindigs with quiet evenings with the family.

Those who are less optimistic tend to object that you can no longer afford to be independent, nonchalant, splashing out on anything you wish to buy. Worse still, they argue, the choppy waters of marriage cause many a row which leave spouses increasingly estranged.

It is true that every now and then the news of some celebrity's acrimonious divorce makes the headlines. Yet millions of couples manage to navigate those choppy waters of matrimony with success, finding a way out of each predicament and coping with problems shoulder to shoulder. The most important item on their list of to-dos is to keep the flame of love burning, even when daily problems jeopardize the relationship. A sustainable relationship takes a lot of time to cultivate and a lot of obstacles to overcome. When the initial days of being smitten with your beloved one are over and you no longer observe your marriage through pink glasses, there remains the feeling of security and confidence between spouses and the satisfaction that you have a shoulder to lean on if necessary.

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Although opponents of marriage argue that peaceful marital coexistence is doomed to failure, a host of couples prove the contrary. Rekindling their romance on a regular basis, they refuse to throw in the towel after the occasional rift. No relationship or marriage is without blemishes. What is important is that deep down spouses know their marriage is like a contract and a guarantee of the significance of their feelings towards each other. It does not matter that the bride, once a svelte, willowy brunette, has put on a couple of pounds and has a few white hairs; that the groom, once always clean shaven, has now grown that off-putting goatee and is going bald.

Despite numerous claims that the institution of marriage is a thing of the past, zillions of couples choose to seal their love with the forever binding "I do". It is not accidental that marriages are recorded in spectacular halls or edifices. The solemnity of the occasion means it is the outset of a lifelong union. The powerful ties of marriage are one of its greatest assets. Ties which guarantee togetherness, support, love till death parts the spouses.

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When you realize that your marriage is taking a turn for the worse, whereby divorce seems more and more of a possibility, what you will feel may be difficult to put into words. The situation will be worse when you still love your husband while he does not seem to feel the same way about you. However, you should not just watch helplessly in the false belief that you can not change how your husband feels.

Winning a husband's love is not as challenging as it appears at first. This is why it is unfortunate that many marriages end up in divorce. There are some simple steps that will help you to strengthen the bond between you and your husband.

Go back in time

Obviously, you could not have been married had your husband been feeling the same way about you from the beginning. There certainly was a time when he used to be crazy about you. You should therefore try to think back at the time when your relationship used to be full of sparks. You will then need to re-establish the things that he used to enjoy in you.

Try to figure out the things that drove you closer to each other. You should not let the everyday chores dry up the romance, turning your marriage into a boring routine.

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Focus on your husband

In case you had fallen into the trap of the daily grind of life, you should change tact and focus more on your husband. Here again, you can take a lesson from the early stages of your marriage. How much did you attend to his needs? And what's the situation at present?

You should give your husband's needs top priority if you would like to win back his love. While you certainly have other responsibilities to attend to, you should not push your husband to the background.

Bring out the best in him

Winning a husband's love involves making him love himself first of all. You should appreciate your husband's strong qualities and help him overcome his weaknesses. If your husband does not feel valuable to you, his feelings towards you will change.

You should therefore show your husband that you truly value him. Appreciate him. Be honest and specific about the things you say without turning it into some sort of a song either. Just let him know the simple ways in which you appreciate him every day.

Winning a husband's love doesn't have to be difficult. Such simple measures will help you to make your marriage lively once again. Do not lose hope even when your husband has already started thinking of taking a divorce.

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As a married adult, what are your responsibilities in marriage? What did you learn in school or at home about responsibility and accountability in life? Ninety-nine percent of high school graduates know nothing about how a relationship works. How could they, most of them have dated since they were twelve and had sex with five or ten different partners? They have been mentally and emotionally abused.

Dating is a negative sexual thing and is a form of mental abuse, even though it is very much physical. Each time a teenager has sex they are losing a valuable part of themselves; it's called self-respect. Of course, they may not see it that way, but look at the divorce rates. Look at how married couples treat each other. They graduate from school believing that love is sex and sex is love. Then what happens? They get married and are needy and insecure or have other issues that affect the marriage. This makes them sponge off of each other for love and other emotional needs they are yearning for, instead of each giving love voluntarily the way it is supposed to be.

Is it the schools responsibility to teach about responsibility and accountability? No, I don't think so. Is it the parent's responsibility? It surely is. So then what is happening with that? I'm sorry, but I don't see it. I just don't see where most couples in marriage are taking responsibility for their marriages. They need to step up to the plate and take responsibility! But instead, they are handing their marriage over to the state. "Here, you deal with it, it's your problem now".

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

Where is the responsibility and accountability? That's what I want to know. If my right arm was giving me problems and was in pain, should I get a new one? If my son or daughter treated me badly, should I get rid of him or her, and find another son or daughter? If my husband committed adultery, should I commit adultery too? If my car started losing oil, should I buy a whole new car? If I stopped feeling euphoric in love in my marriage, should I get a new spouse?

The truth be told, couples are confusing marriage with dating. They somehow associate being married to just dating and having sex. There is no commitment in the marriage relationship anymore, there is no morals or principles anymore, and when they get tired of being married to that marriage partner, they can dump them and get a whole new marriage partner, again, just like they once did when they were dating. And then, they can repeat the cycle all over again.

How can we start taking responsibility and be accountable for our part in the marriage? First, get divorce completely out of your mind. Second, start taking responsibility, and admit your failings and work on getting the big fat log out of your own eye and let your spouse work on getting the sliver out of theirs. Third, be devoted to one another through respect and acceptance of each other. Stop blaming and accusing one another; leave each other alone, and watch love come back into the marriage.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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