My Husband Is Keeping Secrets From Me: My Husband Lies And Keeps Secrets

Responding to a request, this article hopes to answer the question. The answer is cultural as much as biological. I've also sought to connect with the issue personally. Those who know me well know I crave talking deep stuff, but I wasn't always like that.

Until I lost my first marriage I had the capacity to go deep in discussion, but little interest. And it didn't go well for me. It's part of the reason my first marriage failed. As I look over my journals in that period of life I certainly was reflective. So why didn't I open up with my then wife in the latter period of that marriage? I was busy, distracted, unstimulated at that point of my life, and really didn't think there were any problems worthy of discussion. I'd become blind to my own circumstances.

Culturally, baby boomer men (born between 1945-1960) don't reflect about deep stuff with themselves, let alone talk with others. There are exceptions. They grew up in a challenging and confusing time. Perhaps it's more accurate to say they think a lot, especially as life's transitions confront them. This can be frustrating for their wives, who see them shut in, who resist 'help'. The more a wife may want to help, the worse the husband feels the pressure to give what he may feel incapable of giving. He may feel he can't give her what she wants, and he may be right.

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Gen-X men (born between 1961-1981) are probably a little more amenable to expressing their emotions, but don't forget who their fathers are - baby boomers. They've had to learn how to do it, and some, like myself, have had to learn the hard way.

I read an article by Gail Sheehy, and she said that men don't understand women, and they know it, yet women also don't understand men, but they don't know it. Hence, why women are trying to work their men out, and why men don't tend to bother. Another issue that Sheehy mentions is men don't seem to ask questions as much as women do. We've been trained by our culture to work things out for ourselves. Our biology, too, because we're the 'stronger' gender, causes us to think we've got to work it out for ourselves. No wonder we're telling ourselves to man up instead of open up. And little wonder men seem less inquisitive than women.

Interestingly, the cultural scales are sliding and more young women are working things out for themselves; young men can be the ones asking the questions.

Advice for women who feel they can't reach their husbands. Back off. Don't make it a sport. Ask better questions. Questions that do get him talking. Work into the discussion from there. Understand that he will engage if he knows how to. Time discussions appropriately when he's not distracted by something he thinks is more important. And, accept his simple answers. Don't get frustrated by them. And if he feels you're satisfied with his answers, he's more likely to keep going.

I find I open up when I'm stimulated, when there are no other distractions, and when I know I'll be listened to, and most of all when I've got something to say.

Intimacy is central in all this, yet...

Intimacy is a vague concept in marriage. Clarity comes when both partners can agree what it means.

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Resentment in a marriage builds up slowly. It starts with small things that your partner either does or doesn't do and which make you feel like they are taking advantage of you. They may say or do something that makes you feel unappreciated or that makes you feel that they think you are there to serve them. And you either confronted them and they denied it or you thought that it was a minor offense and so you didn't bring it up. And then they did it again or did something similar...and they did it again and again and again. And now you resent them and you have a lingering suspicious bitterness that they don't treat you as well as they should. It's an underlying sense that they do not appreciate you and what you bring to the relationship. It's a corrosive emotion that erodes the mutual admiration that is one of the key foundations of a good marriage and it has the effect of clouding your perspective of your partner and what they do for you. It's like looking at them through a lens that distorts everything they do and say. So how do you overcome resentment in marriage?

1. Face reality. To overcome resentment in a marriage you need to evaluate whether the offenses from your partner are valid or not. Are you going through something else so that you are more sensitive to offenses or did your partner really offend you? Identify what it is exactly that is bothering you. Sometimes our own inadequacies make us see slights or offenses that don't even exist.

2. Make peace with what has happened. What has happened this far is now in your past and you need to find a way to let it go in order to overcome resentment in marriage! How can you do this for yourself? You may need to confront your spouse gracefully when they are relaxed and would be most responsive to what you have to say. Or you may need to just decide that you will let go of the past offenses. What you do depends on you as you are the one that knows the course of action that will work for you. Whatever you decide to do the end result should be that you let go off what has happened in the past and by let go I mean that you deal with it so that it stops impacting your life today. You will know that you have made peace when you no longer bring it up in your mind or speech. It may not be forgotten but it is not fresh and alive in your mind and speech. And with time your memory of these offenses will fade until you actually do not remember them.

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3. Choose not to be offended . You must now decide that you will not be offended by every single thing that your partner does otherwise you will be offended all the time. Decide on the things that are crucial and those are none-issues. Bad behavior is a no-no but maybe some of their deeds or actions do not warrant you to be offended. You need to decide and be realistic knowing that your partner will invariably offend you and the only thing you can control is your reaction. If for example your partner has a relaxed attitude toward life and you are a little more serious their attitude may offend you in certain situations but that is a none-issue since that is who they are and you cannot change them. So look at issues in that light so that you give your partner room to be them-self and to grow in their own life interests. Sometimes we feel that we need to control all things in order for us not to be offended but remember that your marriage comprises of two people and your partner's character and how they deal with life must also have room in the marriage.

4. Deal with issues immediately. To continue overcoming resentment in marriage you must now deal with real offenses immediately they occur or as soon as you can. You do not want them to build up as any more so deal with issues before you go to bed at night so that you stop the pile up. And be honest with yourself so that you really solve the issues and not bury them.

Resentment is a very real challenge in many marriages and you must deal with it in order to stop it eroding the foundations of your marriage.

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Your husband decided he didn't want to be married to you anymore.

And at that moment you may have even agreed that saving the marriage might not be worth it. You may have even felt some relief that you could get on with your life.

Second Thoughts

But now you're really having full-blown second thoughts. Maybe you really should be together. What would it take?

But This Time It Needs To Be Different

However, you realize that the usual way of doing things in your relationship is not going to show you how to save the marriage and get your husband back.

Starting Again Can Be Complicated and Explosive

So you know things need to be different, but how can you have any confidence things might turn out differently?

First you must understand that the only person you can change is you, your attitude and your behavior.

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So given how deep a rift between you can be, how can you possibly expect to save the marriage?

Just "spending more time," or "talking things over" without a new approach won't work.

You have to do things in a new way.

Step One in Saving the Marriage And Get Your Husband Back: Liking (And Being Likeable)

The Four Steps are summed up in this acronym spelling the word "love," - L.O.V.E. L stands for "liking." O stands for "openness." V stands for "Value." E stands for "Encouragement."

Let's start with the first one, "liking." Now I'm sure you think you are likeable yourself, but if you're so extremely likeable then why isn't your husband with you? Maybe you think it's because he isn't likeable, then why do you want him back?

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Take a personal inventory inside yourself. If you don't like your husband and he doesn't like you, what chance do you have in going forward together in a satisfying marriage? None.

So Step One is to write down 10 things you truly like about your husband. Things you really like. If they bring a smile to your face, you're on the right track.

And then write down 10 things you are going to do right away to be more likeable by your husband. That's right, you're going to need to make an effort. Chances are there are many things you are doing that he would consider unlikeable. Give him a chance to like you more.

Step Two in Saving the Marriage and Getting Your Husband Back: Openness

The next step is "openness." We all like to think we are open and available to people. But I promise you that you are now fully "owning" the damage you've caused in the marriage. It's time to be more open.

Write down 10 ways you have closed yourself off from the marriage and demonstrated a "closed mind," (or what your husband would think of as a closed mind) and what you intend to do to take on more responsibility for your actions in the marriage that have led to this point.

Step Three in Saving the Marriage: Value

The next step is "value," - giving your husband more value. We all thrive in relationships where we get some value, something that shows us that the other person really cares.

What 2 things can you give to your husband would consider to be of real value? What is it he's really asking for? What has he been asking for all these years that you have never really given him?

Think long and hard about this because it's necessary to get the right answer.

Be creative and give real value... not what you would want but what your partner would want.

Step Four in Saving the Marriage: Encouragement

Finally, because your husband is not likely to make a totally radical and fundamental change toward you instantly, find ways you can encourage him to be more himself around you.

Do this by showing respect and willingness to accept and love your husband for who he is, not for what you would like him to be.

Write down something each day for the next 7 days you can say that's encouraging that he'd appreciate. Write it down and then say it!

These four steps in how to save the marriage and get your husband back are an excellent starting place. Do them and see if things don't change rapidly for the better.

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"LET'S just do this," my wife said firmly, yet in a whisper quiet voice, looking straight at me. It was a moment in time when every fibre of me simply walked in unison with this most previous instruction. Five seconds beforehand, I definitely wanted to quit!

I did not want to do it, but again, seven years hence, she whispered me.

It's the power of her wonderfully feminine love - she is persuasive when she is desperate. A husband who promised not to moan, who did groan, when she herself wanted every bit to have herself some of that action.

But she didn't. She wouldn't. For her, there is no purpose in bathing in defeat, though every sinew in her weary body was pulsating with pain. For her, there was too much wisdom to sacrificed... what, for folly?

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

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Our mini-interaction highlighted what it is for all couples - a forwards-backwards land of compromise and acceptance.

How do partners in coupledom operate when they are both exhausted leading the family enterprise? Sure, they may bicker. It might be tense for a few minutes. But one soon stays quiet. The other, too, reflects. And the one who was harsh comes. They come in the mood of hope but inflected toward repentance. They turn the ship around with their confession. And, exhausted, they begin again, continuing the working together, giving their energy to the task of being one, whatever it takes.

There is one person I want to be with whether we're exhausted or not. Love does not shift just because the season is arduous. Love bunkers down, does what is necessary, gets through, keeping the faith.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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