My Husband Hurt Me Deeply: How To Get Over Hurt Feelings From Husband

If you have lived in the same home for years, you probably have a lot of stuff stored away. However neatly packed, anything you haven't put to good use for more than a year is probably a burden rather than a blessing. In a similar way, you likely have old stuff tucked away in the corners of your marriage. It is wonderful to dust off your great memories to reminisce and enjoy, but what about the old resentments and perceived affronts?

Forgiveness is essential to a great marriage. The longer you have lived together, the more important it is that you not accumulate resentments that tempt you to call upon them in times of disagreement. Make a vow to keep disagreements limited to the current issue. Avoid sentences that begin, "You always ..." or "You never ..." such as "You never remember my birthday." If something happened long ago, forgive and forget. Even if it happened yesterday, consider granting forgiveness for your own sake as well as your partner's. Forgiveness is especially a blessing upon the person doing the forgiving.

Let today be the day you do an emotional housecleaning of your marriage. Gather up all your old emotional baggage and put it out with the trash. Unlike your grandmother's wedding dress, your leftover emotions are of no value to anyone. Better yet, hold a fire ceremony, either alone or with your loved one. Write each past injury on a small slip of paper and release your attachment to that emotion as you feed the paper to the cleansing fire.

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What could be even better than forgiving your partner? For forgiveness to be needed, there must have been a perceived offense that triggered feelings of resentment and anger, but imagine never getting angry or resentful in the first place. Suppose you simply accepted all your partner's actions. In the presence of acceptance, there can never be resentment or anger, and therefore no need for forgiveness.

Your reaction is likely to be, "But he did something bad. She wronged me. It's his fault. She made me angry." Hmmmm... Can someone really MAKE me angry? I don't think so. We get angry when someone acts in a way that conflicts with how we prefer that they behave - nothing more.

Should you accept your partner's behavior? If their actions are violent or threatening, certainly not. If you feel endangered or even just generally unhappy with your marriage, consider ending it. But in the context of a generally happy marriage, accepting your partner exactly as they are is a recipe for creating an even stronger and happier connection.

Consider being more acceptive of your partner's behaviors. It is unlikely that they are intentionally aggravating you. Almost always, they are just doing what they think they should do. Try setting aside your own rules for how they should behave, and adopt a live-and-let-live attitude. Your marriage will become stronger and happier if you do.

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Statistics tell us that only a small portion of the population even has goals, while still only about 5 percent or so ever write them down. As a couple, do you know where you're going, or what you want out of your relationship or life, for that matter?

If you don't, no big deal. But, think of the payoff if you do: spouses who share their dreams have a common, shared purpose which typically makes their relationship more satisfying, and perhaps even more intimate than the average couple. Why not take the time to figure out what you want, decide how you can get there, then go after it? Here's how you can do just that.

Dream together.

Individually, most people have no idea what they want. As a couple, deciding what you want for your relationship and then charting a course to get there may seem even more foreign to you, especially if you've never had goals yourself. As a couple, spend some time together dreaming of your future. What do you want as a couple? Some goals might be: to grow closer together, stop arguing as much, set aside a certain amount in savings, plan for your kids' college education. What will it be? Don't limit your goals at this point, just brainstorm the possibilities.

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Write it down.

Now you'll need to write it down. Brainstorm, say, 10 things and put them down on paper. For the next year, what are four things you can work on together as a couple? Write those down. Next, choose one of the four things you can target each quarter. Agree to make improvements in these areas your priority. Individually, sit down and write out what, specifically you can do each month, then each week to hit your targets. For instance, if one thing you want to work on as a couple is to get to know each other more, you could start going out on date nights once per week, exercise at the gym together several times weekly, or spend time together in a different setting that would facilitate the accomplishment of your goal.

Make it happen.

The biggest challenge to any goal-getting program you have is the natural inclination to give up or to not keep at it. That's where your power as a couple comes in. You're not on your own, which means you can depend upon your husband or wife for encouragement or to be that cheerleader you need if you get discouraged, sidetracked or weary in pursuing your purpose together. Be accountable to each other and evaluate how you're progressing on your goals together. Instead of being critical or judging your progress (regardless of how little it may be), take a positive approach and be supportive of each other, for the sake of the relationship. That way, neither one of you will feel judged if you miss the mark and you'll have a better chance of reaching your goals as a couple.

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Sometimes we take our baggage of mistrust and pain into our marriage marriage and we drop them at our spouse's feet. Tell me if parts of this story sound familiar?

John's Mistrust

John never trusted a woman fully, even after years of being married to Mary; he had some periods of lack of trust, thinking that his wife was cheating on him. He would sneak home in the middle of the day thinking he may catch his wife's lover. But there was never any man at his home apart from the one in his mind. If he went out shopping with his wife and a young man smiled at her, he would get very suspicious of her wondering if she had any previous association with the man. Things got so bad one day after his usual interrogation of his wife, she just broke down crying asking him, "why he did not trust her." It was then he opened up about his mother's infidelity and how it affected his father. He told her of the hurt he felt and the damage it caused to their family and their relationship. He just could not trust any woman because in his mind, if his mother was weak enough to do that, then all women probably cheat. Mary hugged him and said, "I am not your mother."

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John's Decision

After their discussion, John made a decision to trust his wife. It wasn't easy. There were other incidences of mistrust, however Mary now knew what he was going through and they were able to work at it together. They spoke it over with their best friends, Tom and Sarah Fletcher and today John has grown leaps and bounds in the area of trust. He no longer carries around that baggage.

You Cannot Punish Your Spouse For Someone Else's Mistakes

You may not be the one that was directly hurt but someone close like your mother or father cheated and now you do not trust anyone. You think that if they could do that and they seemed so loving, then maybe your spouse is also cheating. Now, you analyze everything he or she does or says to prove that something is going on. You are unable to live a relaxed and stress free life. You live everyday expecting to hear something negative, that he or she is cheating. You cannot punish your spouse for your parents' mistakes, or the mistakes of your ex-partner. You must give your heart and love to the one you are with and not compare him or her with others.

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Guess what the number one complaint is in troubled marriages during a midlife crisis?

If your answer is poor communication, you'd be right.

American family counselor Virginia Satir said, "Once a human being has arrived on this earth, communication is the largest single factor determining what kinds of relationships he makes with others and what happens to him in the world about him."

And good communication is especially important in marriages in the throes of a crisis. Why? Without it, couples get their wires crossed. And the insecurities that aging brings to a relationship through a midlife crisis become difficult to allay without candid talk between spouses.

One reason for this difficulty in talking about feelings depends on the home environment a partner grew up in. The model set by the parents plays a role in how a person communicates with the spouse. One of our clients who was unhappy in his marriage said this:

"My dad never did say much and I guess I'm a lot like him. I grew up thinking that men don't need to say much. My wife complains that I never talk to her or share my feelings. And I honestly don't know how to respond to her. I tell her, "That's just the way I am. Take it or leave it."

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In our society, men are taught not to recognize and express troubled emotions brought on by middle age. This example is how too many marriages start having problems.

At the root of resistance to communication between partners are engrained behavior patterns that we grew up with and now perpetuate. Once we have habitual attitudes and beliefs about how men and women should communicate, we tend to stay in locked behavior patterns until something changes.

Unfortunately relationships may go downhill too far to be retrieved as a result of misunderstandings, frustration, and hurt feelings due to poor communication.

The good news is that people can change, grow and adapt once they become aware of the seriousness of a midlife crisis that may threaten their marriage.

Many spouses find that couples marriage counseling may be the help that a struggling relationship needs to facilitate change.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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