My Husband Has New Moves In Bed: Husband Suddenly Trying New Things In Bed

When it comes to love, men often get a bad rap.

"You only hear about the guys who are abusive or cheat, but how about the tons of men who are faithful and kind?" ~John

"I've been married for over twenty years. I know I'm not perfect, but I can honestly say that I do my best to be a good husband...I care about what my wife thinks of me as a husband and father." ~Hale

"It scares me to admit this, but I'd be totally lost without my wife. She's my best friend and she tells me that I'm hers. Making her happy is everything to me..." ~Luis

These are some of the messages several men shared with me while discussing their thoughts about intimacy, their partners and spouses. Before long, a theme arose: What especially bothered these men were the rampant myths about men and love.

Men and Intimacy:

Myth 1: Men do not value emotional connection.

Myth 2: Men do not care about their partners'/spouses' feelings.

Myth 3: Men only want sex (rather than emotional connection).

Myth 4: Men are controlling and tell women what to do (and therefore prefer passive women).

Myth 5: Men would rather spend time with their guy friends than their wives/girlfriends.

Let's take a closer look at the first myth, the one that claims that men do not value emotional closeness. This myth arises out of the difficulty some men have with emotions: in particular, talking about and sharing their feelings. This reality is rooted in the way in which many men are socialized. Emotional self-expression is not considered an important and useful trait for many men.

Of particular importance is the way in which fathers (and other male mentors) act as role-models for their sons. While many fathers are becoming more comfortable with their sons' emotional lives, some fathers continue to hold the expectation that once their male child hits a certain age, this emotionality will give way to stoic control.

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Why are feelings difficult for men?

Feelings of vulnerability (tenderness, sadness, fear, feeling "less than," embarrassment and shame) conflict with the ideal of masculinity-central to this ideal is the trait of masculine strength. Men value power and in the arena of love, power and strength equate to being able to take care of your loved ones. As the requirements of relationships change and men are asked to be more emotionally available, the guiding questions for many men are:

How can masculinity and vulnerability exist side by side?

How can I be tender while still seen as strong?

Unfortunately, the mentality that emotional vulnerability equals weakness is alive and well in many cultures and held by too many men. This deep-seated attitude is often triggered in relationships that require and demand greater intimacy. Faced with the challenges of intimacy, men may shut down and withdraw, rather than allow themselves to feel confused and emotionally impotent.

But men still value connection!

Difficulty sharing emotions does not necessarily mean that emotional connection isn't important to men. Think of it this way: You can deeply enjoy music and yet not know how to play an instrument. How men go about creating connection has less to do with emotional sharing and more to do with actions that validate their masculine identity--providing for their loved ones, tangential giving that leads to concrete results.

As Roger recently said:

"My wife didn't like the color of our bedroom and when she was out with her sister, I painted the entire room her favorite color. I couldn't wait to see her reaction. When she got home she gave me this big hug and I felt like a million bucks..."

In other words, Roger felt emotionally connected to his wife. He experienced intimacy through doing for his wife, rather than emotional expression.

The important point to remember is that "myth" does not equate to "fact." No matter how ingrained a preconceived notion might be in a society, we are all free-thinking individuals who can choose to look beneath the surface and appreciate our partners for what they have to offer and the unique way in which they try to offer it...regardless of what prevailing assumptions about gender might tell us.

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"Forget about it."

These are three of the scariest words that a wife could say to a husband. This short, powerful phrase is best used when the wife is fed up with her man wasting time and saying something but not following through and doing it.

Instead of nagging the man to go about doing it, if the woman says these three words, followed by something like,

- "I'll get [another male] to do it. He's more reliable."

- "The moment's passed. You had your chance."

- "You obviously can't see how important this is to me."

Just try and stop the man from doing whatever you want him to do ASAP.

Can you see what's so powerful about the three statements above?

- There's nothing more soul crushing to a husband than getting another man to do something for you. We're your man. That's our job. We are not going to let another man do our job.

- The man can't do it anymore. You've taken away the privilege from him. He will want to do it, but if you say this, he won't be able to. That will make him want to do it more. He might even argue with you to let him do it!

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- You're saying that your husband doesn't care about you. That will cause him to defend himself. Of course he cares about you. This will get his attention and make him see how important whatever you wanted him to do was to you.

Of course, if your husband has legitimate reasons as to why he couldn't do something, hear him out. If you use these three words when he physically couldn't do something, then you'll just come off across as being a bitch, to be blunt.

Use this if he's being lazy and you want to scare him a bit to show that you're serious about something. My wife uses it on me when I say that I'll take her out shopping on the weekend. When I forgot about the sale that she wanted to go to, she got upset and said, "forget about it. I'll just go out with my girlfriend's next time."

I took her out the week after and did the whole good husband routine, ie. carrying bags, seeing whether her bum looked big or not, etc.

This technique is powerful, but don't overuse it! It works well when you're genuinely angry. We may look dumb, but we can see through pretend anger.

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No matter how much you love your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, there are going to be days when you find yourself just not liking them very much. Maybe it's something superficial, like his that ugly wool cap leftover from his college days that he insists on wearing even when it's clearly past its prime. Sometimes it might seem more significant, like her habit of putting scrapes on the car with her sloppy way of navigating around those pesky parking-garage poles.

If you live and share a life with someone, you get to know them intimately-warts and all. Meanwhile, your lives are so intertwined that their mistakes impact you as well as them. It is one of the biggies that makes relationships challenging. It's tempting to look at your friends' partners-or even strangers on the street-and imagine that they never overspend on frivolous things, come home from work in a bad mood, say awkward things at dinner parties or forget to pick up milk at the grocery store. But that kind of thinking is not only counterproductive, and most likely erroneous. It's easy for a stranger-or a friend you only see when they're on their best behavior-to seem like they have it all together. In reality you have no idea what they or their relationships are like behind closed doors.

Simply put, when doing this you are focusing on the perceived perfections of others while comparing them to the imperfections of your partner.

Like so many areas of life, the importance of keeping things in perspective in this situation cannot be underestimated. Accepting that your partner has imperfections and makes mistakes is part of working to grow the relationship into a more mature one that can stand the test of time.

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If you find yourself slipping into the negativity trap, practice skills that can help turn your perspective around. If it helps, pull out a notebook and list your favorite and not-so-favorite qualities your partner possesses. Chances are, there are a lot of good ones you've been downplaying or temporarily forgotten-maybe because of something challenging going on in your own life, or maybe just because you've been taking them for granted.

As you do this, consider the "not-so-favorite" qualities and try to figure out if they're something you can do to address them-affectionately, if possible. If that old wool cap bothers you that much, you could (a) buy him a new one and see if that does the trick, or (b) remember that he used to wear it back when you first met, and you found it endearing then. If you're distressed about the scrapes on the car, find a way of telling your partner how much it bothers you without being accusatory or demeaning. I'm sure you could even come up with a few helpful tips, such as parking in less-crowded areas of the lot... or at least avoiding the concrete poles.

Not all relationship conflicts are so easily solved-but not all of your partner's personality quirks have to be treated as conflicts, either. After all, you have plenty of quirks of your own, another truth we conveniently forget from time to time. Taking the longer view of your partner and relationship while choosing to focus on the positive rather than the negative are priceless relationship skills. Chances are, you'll find it well worth the effort.

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When you go into a relationship you expect to lose part of your time space and money. The one thing you should never lose is your self or identity. Giving up who you are in order to make a relationship work is too big a price to pay.

If your partner is urging you to alter your ethics or principles then they are changing the essence of you. If you stop doing the things you enjoy in order to please them you are giving away your personal power and your right to happiness. If they want you to participate in something you are not comfortable with and you agree the same loss of identity applies.

There is always a certain amount of compromise in any relationship but if it means you becoming invisible then forget it. Be yourself because this is what attracted your partner to you in the first place. There are insecure people who always want to change their partners and use this as a way to control them. Often by the time these people have done their damage their partners are nothing like their former selves.

In a healthy relationship each partner encourages the other to live out his or her dreams. They celebrate each others triumphs and comfort each other when trouble brews. If you are in a relationship that seems selfish and self serving you need to evaluate the importance of you being there for giving your heart is one thing but losing yourself and your soul is another.

Now Listen Carefully-

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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.

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