My Husband Beat Me Up: My Husband Beats Me What Should I Do

A happily married couple, when asked for pointers, thought a moment and then said: "don't go to sleep with a disagreement unresolved." My first reaction was, "How to Save Marriage means I have to stay up all night?"

It was a new idea to me that fighting could be fair and thus could be a way to help my marriage survive. end a fight before night. Doing so, makes you deal with disagreements swiftly. It forces some acceptable conclusion in order to avoid bad feelings that may last longer than the issue was ever worth.

One never knows how beneficial a presentation will be; this one told me that resolving arguments can be a powerful benefit to a marriage. My husband and I were so proud of the fact that we did not fight. That quickly dissolved when Dr Gottman, a researcher on successful marriages, said, "Couples who do not argue are more likely to get divorced." We had to accept that sidestepping arguments was unhealthy to our partnership.

When two people avoid conflict, they do not develop an intimate understanding of one another. Couples do not begin thinking alike just because they are wed, even though there is a well know biblical statement, "the two shall be one". The belief that two people will think as one can suppress individuality and cause avoidance of argument. In the long run it is much better to get to know and accept each other than to pretend you are 'the same.' Constructive handling of disagreements will Broaden and Deepen your marital experience.

Ideas on how to deal with those hard discussions:

o Believe in a positive result. You will follow the path you focus on, positive or negative. If a child is running across the room with your favorite ceramic vase, disaster is likely to happen if you shout, "don't drop it." A better outcome may come by saying, "walk, walk, walk". Expect a negative outcome and it will be very tough to reach a positive solution.

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o Believe that you will understand one another at a higher level once you have resolved the conflict. o Don't quietly avoid conflict to keep the peace.

o Speak calmly and respectfully; remember the Golden Rule - Don't treat your spouse in a manner you would not wish to be treated.

o The desired outcome needs to be clear - this will keep you from being sidetracked. If you are discussing the cost of gifts for one another - your desired outcome might be to not spend over $40 without consulting one another in advance. Past mistakes should be left in the past - keep the focus on the future outcome and how you can bring it about.

o Take a break if your adrenalin is pumping. Stop the conversation for a time if one of you have moved into a rush of adrenalin. Two people cannot have a fruitful conversation if either one is ready to fight or storm out of the room.

o Listen by focusing on what your partner is saying, without thinking of your response. Before you answer your spouse's points, make sure you understood correctly by repeating back what was said. If your spouse feels like you really heard him, he should be able to relax and hear you.

o Recognize and Support Feelings. Even if you are just trying to offer comfort, telling someone they "shouldn't feel that way" negates their feelings - say instead that you are sorry they feel that way.

o Honesty is overrated. There are some things you may have done that will not necessarily improve your relationship if you share them with your spouse; think it through.

o Four Behaviors can lead to divorce. Contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling are triggers for the break up of a marriage, confirms Dr Gottman. Talking together about these communication styles and the risk they pose may be the best way to raise consciousness and avoid them in the future.

Your marriage is strengthened by exploring your individuality through productive discussions and arguments; look to them as a means of deepening your relationship. It is okay to fight as long as you fight fair. Successful solution of disagreements comes in part from understanding that you need rules of behavior and a sense of humor when learning how to use them effectively.

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Richard and I have been married since 1982 It hasn't always been easy, but it's definitely been worth it. In the first year of our marriage, after a difficult struggle between us, I gave my husband a card. On the front it said, "I love you", many times, and inside it said, "It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it." That phrase has carried us through many difficult times since. We have kept our love alive, and the joy of this relationship carries us through the rest of life.

I read many articles about what happens after the passion dies in long-term relationships, and my clients frequently are worried about the same question. I believe what happens, when all goes well, is that a sense of humor sets in.

The burden of passion can be a heavy one. Having to rev up the energy for a passionate, heavy-breathing session making love after a hard day's work can be an appalling prospect. How much more inviting it is to be able to have a silly giggle session, complete with sexual play, with the dearest person I know. Suddenly, the heaviness and obligation are gone, and if I'm too tired to be passionate and alluring, I always seem to have the energy to mess around.

Arguments are hard to have with a lovable three- year -old, which is what Richard can become at the drop of an accusation. He puts his hands on his hips, sticks out his chin, and (in a perfect imitation of a kid mimicking an angry parent) says, "Who did that?" He then points his finger at whatever offense (a messy table, a forgotten chore, lights left on) I've lost my sense of humor about. Watching him, I can't hang on to my anger. After we laugh, then we can do something constructive about the problem.

Please understand that I'm speaking of humor, not irresponsibility. We are both adults with successful businesses, and we have an equal, relatively balanced relationship. We hashed that out many years ago. We get angry with each other mostly out of irritability, exhaustion and frustration with our heavy schedules - not because either one of us is slacking off. Things don't get done at times because we have hectic lives, and hectic lives benefit greatly from a sense of humor.

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I guess it takes a certain amount of self-acceptance to create healthy humor, rather than the hurtful kind; but then again, this loving, shared laughter has also enhanced my degree of self- acceptance. The paradox seems to be that having permission for child-like play also gives permission to be responsible and self-accepting. We don't make nasty jokes about each other and our love, and I don't exactly know how to express the difference. What I do know is we laugh together, and it feels good.

We have been together more than a quarter century. We could still grow apart, but I don't think so. This is my second marriage, and the first long term relationship where I don't feel in danger of being bored. I seem to easily run out of tilings to be passionate about, or dramatic about, but laughter never gets boring. It's also difficult to store up resentments against the person in my life who makes it easiest for me to laugh.

I find myself looking for ways to make Richard laugh; and over the years, I've gotten pretty good at it. He knows my laugh buttons better, too. Could he be looking for them? I wouldn't be surprised.

So, rather than treasuring old grudges, old hurts, we treasure old jokes and funny lines. I know I can turn to Richard and say it's a dirty job... and get an answering smile. I also know he understands when I say that phrase, that I love him, "warts and all" It's a good feeling.

There are times when an overwhelming feeling of warmth and caring flows over me, and many of those times are when I laugh with Richard. Humor seems to be the secret, at least for us, in both keeping our love fresh and alive, and in feeling confident that we will not lose our specialness to each other.

The more we learn about living together, The less we struggle, and the less we struggle, the more we laugh and play. One of things I have learned as a therapist, is that struggle is often used by families to structure time. As a partner in this relationship, I have learned that replacing the drama of struggle with the delight of humor can be a positive addiction; and a powerful solution for what to do with our time together.

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The net result of all this is that I have become an advocate of the silly solution, and it is working better than all the seriousness I used to think my relationships required. There is a blessing in the joy of shared laughter.

Here are three ways to help your relationship become a blessing:

1. Have a weekly State of the Union discussion.

This is not an argument or complaint session, it's an opportunity to update each other on how things are going between you. I recommend it because couples often tend to avoid talking about what's going on until a problem is created. If you keep each other informed of both the good things and the problems on a regular basis, nothing will get out of hand or become too dramatic to solve easily. This works every time with every couple in counseling with me who are willing to do it.

2. Express Love, Kindness and Sweetness.

The relationships depicted in the media (and probably your own parents' relationship) do not model kind, loving and considerate behavior very well. Although the press may be bored by politeness, kindness and happiness, those traits will make your partner and your relationship flourish and blossom. Consider kindness to be the lubricant of your communication; and expressing love to be the fertilizer that makes the relationship bloom.

3. Show caring for yourself and your partner.

Guard against sacrificing too much by making sure you care about yourself, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Guard against narcissism and selfishness by caring about your partner in the same four areas. Achieving balance in these areas is the best way to ensure that your relationship will thrive, and no one will carry too much resentment, which is the only emotion that can destroy love.

Adapted from: Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage

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Something has changed. Somehow over time that spark you felt every time your loved one walked in to the room has become a mere smoldering ember. You want to feel that excitement again, to rekindle the love and passion you once felt, but how?

Chances are you're not alone, your partner feels the same way. How can you come back together and bring back the love you once shared? Begin with these simple steps to get you love life back on track and rekindle your love.

1) Make an honest evaluation of your personal situation. Are there issues bothering you that are getting in the way of your marriage. Troubles at work, stress induced by children or other family members, financial issues will all have a negative effect on a marriage. Discover what the issues are and begin working to resolve them.

2) Notice what brings joy to your partner. Is it spending quality time together, doing things around the house and lending a hand when needed or is it just acknowledging all they do in the marriage? Reinforce any activity that supports their joy and your own joy is sure to follow.

3) Understand what your partner needs from you. If you aren't clear on what your partner needs, you may continue to provide them with things you would desire yet they have no interest in. If you're unsure of what your partner needs in your marriage, there is a special way to find out, ask them! The simple act of asking lets them know you are interested in their needs and fulfilling them. Listen carefully and be sure not to judge, remember these are your partner's needs.

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4) Know what you need from your partner. If you gain clarity of your own needs you'll begin to make those your focus and will begin moving towards them. Once your find clarity and you have performed the previous steps you have opened the door to lovingly share your needs with your partner. By now they may have taken your lead and asked you what they are!

5) Make time for each other. Too often we get caught up in our work routines or our children's activities to really spend time together. In any healthy marriage we need to recharge our batteries and refill our "love tanks". This is the time to really be together to stay involved emotionally.

6) Make your marriage a priority. For any skill set to evolve requires several things. Attention, education and perseverance are always required and marriages are no different. Attend a marriage conference, read books about relationship skills and always work towards making your marriage better. Never take your marriage for granted, complacency is usually the first step in a failed marriage.

7) Be grateful every day for your partner. Make it a point to realize all that is positive about your marriage and your partner at least twice daily. Share your gratitude regularly with your partner.

Enjoy every day, love your partner with all your heart and live the life you desire and deserve...together.

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