My Husband Asked For A Divorce I Said No: Stop My Divorce Save My Marriage

Rebuilding marriage sometimes can be scary and intimidating right? You look at how your marriage used to be and how much work you have to get back what you had and you wonder, "Is it worth it"?

Well, of course, you also struggle with the ugly alternatives of separation or God forbid divorce. So rebuilding marriage seems like the best choice to make because if things don't work out you can always go to option 2 (separation) or 3 (divorce).

So now that you have decided that rebuilding marriage is the best place to start here are some tips for you.

Rebuilding Marriage by Burying Past Issues

One of the starting places in renewing marriage is to deal with the past and resolve open issues. If you are to move forward you need to resolve problems that have hindered the growth in your marriage.

Keep in mind that resolving the issue simply means that you discuss it, try to come to an understanding, and commit to burying it. Once you do this the same issue should not be a thorn in your marriage any longer. This also means that you will not hold any anger or resentment towards your spouse because of this issue.

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Rebuilding Marriage by Respecting Your Spouse

One of the keys to restoring your marriage is to honor and respect your spouse. This means that you treat him or her like you promised on your wedding day. Your spouse deserves your total commitment and respect. How often do partners treat their friends and co-workers better than their spouse?

If you don't respect your spouse you will have difficulty communicating, trusting and perhaps loving him or her with all of your heart, mind and soul.

Rebuilding Marriage by Getting Your Priorities In Order

The busy world we live in sometimes screws up our priorities and instead of making our marriage the top priority the job, children, hobbies and anything else moves ahead of nurturing our relationship with our mate.

If you want to get off to a running start in rebuilding your marriage then simply examine how you are spending your time and money, and put it down on paper. I'm not talking about a lengthy exercise but get a general sense of how much alone time are you getting per week (sleeping at night doesn't count) and how often do you spend money on just the two of you i.e., dinner, dancing or perhaps a movie?

You may be surprised by what you find. Next, simply agree on which items you will begin to cut back on so you can start investing time and dollars on rebuilding your marriage and future.

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Half the battle is working out what the problem is. Some common issues in marriage strife are:

• Finances

• Child raising differences and issues

• Sexual issues or loss

• Communication difficulties

• Identity loss

And, these are to name a few... There could be one major problem or a culmination of many smaller ones that undermine your marriage relationship.

Once you have been able to identify what the problem is, you can then move on to the next step. This will involve getting "up close and personal" with your husband.

What this means is that you and he will need to work together, and look seriously at the issues and find solutions that work for both of you. If communication is one of your problems then getting help from a counselor to learn good ways of relating and being open with each other is a key to this step.

You will need to make time each day to spend together. Working with each other consistently on your issues will eventually see them resolved. When a couple works on things together it helps form a closer bond between them. Keep the communication lines open. It is not necessary to address the major issues every day, but more like keeping each other informed and working on agreed plans little by little.

As you work on your problems together, you will eventually work through them. Remember to have some fun time too. It is important to remember that dating does not stop when you get married.

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Be inventive and do something different on occasions. For example, if money is tight, on a dollar-less date, you could pop the kids to bed, and spread a blanket on the floor in front of the TV and watch a movie while having a picnic supper. You can even light some candles for that romantic feel.

Knowing that one night a week is "your" night where you can just enjoy being together and relaxing can do a lot for your marriage.

When you are able to relax together and discuss things, it is important to listen and keep an open mind. Hear what your husband is telling you and you may even find that some of the issues in your marriage are as a result of things that you have done or do! When you can both really listen to each other, you will be able to bring about the changes in yourselves that you need to save your marriage.

Remember to behave toward your husband in the way you wish to be treated. You need to believe in him and in yourself, and that your marriage will work. You also need to believe that your husband is still the man you fell in love with and married. If you cannot trust him or believe in your marriage working then you might as well give up. Saving your marriage is not easy. It is actually quite hard work but the rewards are amazing.

Lastly, in order to make your marriage better than ever, you will need to be able to forgive each other. Both of you will have made mistakes, but to move on, you will need to forgive yourselves and each other. Learn to have each other's backs and be supportive and encouraging to one another. Forgiveness is an act of choice and love. When your partner is truly contrite and makes an effort to put it right, then forgiving them is the only right thing to do.

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Sometimes maintaining a happy marriage can take a lot out of us. Then again, you sometimes look around you and it seems as if other couples make it seem so easy. Your often left to wonder what it is about your marriage that makes keeping it happy so difficult or why you continue to have problems in the marriage that no one else seems to be going through but you. This is probably a good time to make sure that your marriage is worth saving or if it will forever be an uphill battle for you and your spouse to find middle ground that you both can agree with and maintain to ensure a long lasting happy marriage.

First of all, let's examine some common reasons that people get married and if you're marriage fits into any of these areas.

- You were high school sweethearts and as soon as you were of age you tied the knot.

- You've dated for several years, maybe even started living together and thought it was the right next step to complete your relationship.

- You've been together or dated for sometime, and now a baby is on the way and may now be or feel like it's the right thing to do or have been pressured into thinking it's the right thing to do.

- You've just met, have fell head over heals for one another and are headed to Vegas to tie the knot, or you might have even met in Vegas and have gotten hitched in an eventful night or weekend.

- Your involved in some sort of legal issue, where you have to marry in order for it to go through or come about.

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- You have become consumed with the thought of marriage and just want to be married for the sake of being married as some sort of status recognition.

While I may have just touched on some of the most common reasons for couples who think they should get married, it's made up of a lot of marriages that aren't going to stand the test of time or for that matter aren't going to be easy to save.

Marriage should be something that is done for all the right reasons. Not from impulse or from the line of thinking it's the right thing to do. It should come from an unwavering love for one another. A sign of total commitment to one another and set up to see each other through for better or worse. Your spouse should be your best friend and you should cherish everything about them, even the things that may seem annoying.

If you aren't in a relationship that is like this or you are at the point that you can't really stand anything about your spouse, then you should seriously consider if whether or not this marriage is worth saving. Did you marry for all the wrong reasons? Rather than continue to torture one another with trying to make things work, knowing full well that neither one of you will ever agree or find common ground or change for one another, then maybe it is best that you both part ways so that you can move on with your lives and find someone who will be better for you.

I'm not advocating divorce by far, but sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons and it's just not going to last or work. If you don't think that it's anything like that, and you just have some minor issues to work through, than definitely continue on your path to save your marriage.

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In this article we look at how the three powerful words, "You are right" create a climate with our couple, Bob and Jill, that produces a much different outcome than their usual way of relating. Bob and Jill argue like most couples, starting with an accusation and ending with defensiveness, hurt feelings, and a desire to either escalate the conflict to win or a need to get away from the conflict as quickly as possible. Jill has learned a new technique to create a different outcome by using the three powerful words. Take a look at these two interactions.

Scenario One:

Bob: You never listen to me when I talk.

Jill: That is not true. I always listen to you.

Bob: See? You're not listening now. You just want to be right and contradict me.

Jill: I do not contradict you. You are always talking and it gets tiring.

Bob: So you admit you don't listen to me.

Jill: What? No, you're twisting my words. You always do that!

Scenario Two:

Bob: You never listen to me when I talk.

Jill: You are right, Bob. I often tune you out when I am focused on something that I am in the middle of doing.

Bob: You're agreeing with me? That's a first.

Jill: (ignoring the jab) Yes, I am. I am also willing to listen to you. Would you give me about 5 minutes to wrap up this letter so I can give you my full attention?

Bob: Sure. I can do that.

The first scenario was an argument in which our couple, Bob and Jill, became defensive very quickly. The second one, in which Jill used the three powerful words, "You are right," ended very differently.

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The reason "You are right" is so effective is because it calms the person who expects you to defend yourself. When Jill told Bob, "You are right," his initial reaction was to jab at her. He was used to their verbal sparring matches and was responding in his habitual manner.

Jill, having learned a new communication technique, ignores his jab and continues, restating that he is right. She follows up by telling him something he wants to hear, that she will give him her attention and listen to what he has to say. She does not linger on it, but she does tell him that when she is focused on a task it is difficult to break off her attention and give it to Bob instantly.

If both Bob and Jill had taken a class in effective communication skills, they would have learned that it is helpful to ask your partner if s/he is free to talk or listen. If your partner is in the middle of something that requires his/her full attention, it is better to get an agreement to talk when that task is done rather than interrupting.

Finally, Jill asks Bob for the time she needs to finish the task she is focused on before listening to him. Because Bob feels like Jill acknowledged his complaint by telling him he was right, he is more willing to wait until she has finished her task.

Did Jill "give in" or "just lie down and take it" as you may have feared I was implying in part one? I submit to you that she did no such thing. She simply acknowledged the truth of what Bob said, that she was not listening to him. She did not challenge him even though he told her she "never" listens to him. She held onto her personal power and was able to open up a new way of relating with Bob.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

Author's Bio: 

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