My Husband and I Argue Everyday: We Argue Everyday about Nothing

When conflict arises it's typical to become angry, tense, and overly emotional. As women, we especially tend to wear our emotions on every part of our bodies. In other words, we use our eyes, our hands, our hips, our tears, our lips, and even our heads to express our anger or disapproval with our husbands. When you feel your emotions going into overload, it's time for you to take action.

Below you'll find some simple ways to control your emotions so you can initiate and maintain an effective, yet peaceful conversation with your husband even when you don't agree with him.

1) Recognize and understand the true meaning of "Conflict".

What is conflict? While conflict is defined as a fight, a sharp disagreement, or the act of being in opposition, I would like to take the meaning a little further. Conflict is also the act of two people, (in this case, husband and wife), expressing their opinions, beliefs, or perspectives differently in a passionate way.

I believe God allows conflict to help you grow with your husband as you work with him to resolve the problems that can affect your marriage. If you're able to communicate properly without letting your emotions control you then you can strengthen your marriage and ultimately God can get the glory.

Handling conflict effectively is not so much about who wins the disagreement, as it is what you learn and how you can come to a resolution that is ultimately best for the marriage.

2) Politely excuse yourself from the conversation before you get too angry. In other words end the conversation and move on to something else until you can discuss the situation in a more rational manner. Of course during a heated conflict it's natural to become upset. In fact, the Bible says we can get angry, but not sin. (Ephesians 4:26)

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How can you pull away without hurting your husband's feelings or causing things to escalate and get worse?

You can start by making positive comments like these:

•"Honey, I can see this conversation is starting to get out of hand. I need a few moments to get it together. Is that okay?"

•"Do you mind if we take a break from this conversation and discuss this later?"
Of course there will be times when you won't be able to just walk away. For instance, you may be on a long road trip, on a plane ride, in front of the kids, or on a date (alone and/or with friends). In these types of situations, you could use the following statements:

•"You know sweetheart, this conversation is not going in the best direction. Can we discuss something else and come back to this later so I can process things?"

•"Can we listen to some music (or a message from Sunday morning) and come back to this topic a little later once we've had some time to think this through?"

3)Process the conflict(s) you have with your husband by giving yourself some time alone to think.

Being alone is often a good option because it frees you of distractions and enables you to think more clearly. During this time, consider the following items:

•"Where did the tension in the conversation begin?"

•"What did you say that could have caused the tension?"

•"Was there something your husband said that "pressed your buttons" and made you angry? If so, why?

•"What can you do to turn the situation around?"

4) Pray: Ask God to give you the grace to speak to your husband in love and use the proper words while you share your heart with him. Also ask Him to show you the appropriate time to talk with your husband. In many cases your husband will listen to you when it's a time that's comfortable for him.

5) Proceed: At the right time, go back and talk to your husband about the situation and give him a big smile!

While taking these actions in the midst of conflict may be different from what you're used to, it's possible. Each time you do it, it will help you to grow and appreciate the differences between you and your husband instead of fighting about them. Also, if you can learn to see the benefits of conflict, politely pull away, process your thoughts, and pray, then you will have the power to control your emotions the next time conflict arises, and ultimately add life to your marriage.

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Take a look at your marriage problems from a totally different perspective. Just step outside the box, look at your marriage as if you were an outsider looking in and you might just find that your life isn't so bad as you think.

As a first step just sit down and make a list of your marriage problems as you see them, write them down so you can see them in black and white then:

o Carefully read through the list, read every point twice, and just consider how much of a problem your marital issues would appear to a totally unrelated third party.

o Next, highlight any marriage problems that you believe an outsider would consider to be a real relationship issue.

o Now, look at your highlighted marriage problems more closely, take a long hard look and then

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o Immediately focus on people that are far worse off than yourself, people who don't have the luxury of thinking about marriage problems, such as the survivors of natural disasters, those who have lost a loved one, people who are having to deal with terminal illness or families who can think of nothing else but how they survive each day.

Now it's time to be totally honest with yourself, on the scale of one to ten how important do you really think your marriage problems are? In the great scheme of things is your life so bad?

So now what do you want to do? Are you ready to save your marriage? If not repeat the exercise again.

Taking this approach won't fix your marriage problems but it will help to tackle your marital issues with a more positive frame of mind and you'll be amazed at what the power of positive thought can do!

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Affairs take place at all stages of a person's life, not just at mid-life. However, at mid-life we become very aware of the roads not taken instead of the ones we took and our marriages are one such road. Not one gender is exempt here, men and women both can fall prey.

Boredom sets in, you want to know what else is out there, you're curious about all sorts of things - the hotty next door, the guy down the block, an affair might be fun. All things not good for most married couples. Yet so often it starts, and you are left with, "what the hell happened?"

So many times, an affair doesn't consist of hugs and kisses, and bed-time sleep-overs. They start out as innocent encounters at school gatherings, at the work water-cooler, running into an old friend. A cup of coffee, a glass of wine or two, exchanging stories about your grandkids - all innocent excursions.

Until these visits become regular encounters, planned and carried out - you look forward to meeting your special friend, you take care in how you look, what you wear, you get happy feet and put a smile on your face - and your time together becomes more than just chit-chat and fun banter. You are no longer catching up about old times, they already know about the grandkids and how smart they are and maybe you start meeting for secret lunches or quiet dinners.

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For co-workers this time might become short business trips, because you have to go, right. There is no reason not to, we are just friends. We have our separate rooms after all. And most generally, these really are just regular business trips, not sexual encounters. The presenting problems arise however, when you share family stuff - why you got angry with your spouse last week, what fun you have when you go on these trips, you share a funny joke your girl friend told you yesterday, and then you graduate to seeking their advice.

No one is the wiser for several months. Everything is simple - your best friend is fun and isn't life grand. But wait, you know that you told your spouse about that great movie you wanted to see, or about the big promotion your being considered for - but in reality, you didn't. Your best friend, of the opposite sex, almost knows more about you and your life now than does your spouse and why? Because you don't have all that much to talk about anymore - you aren't laughing as much, you aren't hugging or kissing as much - your emotional needs are being taken care of elsewhere.

Why be redundant after all. Once said, is once done. Your spouse is the one suffering, depressed, and no one even knows why, especially your spouse. Oh they suspect something, they see trouble signs, and feel prickles of unease when you're around. The worst possible thing though is that they don't even know what questions to ask about anything anymore.

If you want to salvage whatever might be left of your damaged marriage, you better take time to stop and smell the roses in your own back yard or you could find yourself pulling out thorns in a divorce court.

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Are you looking for Christian marriage help because your husband is using pornography? Here are six ways to respond to your husband's use of pornography:

1. Honesty. Be honest about how you are feeling about the porn and how it is affecting your relationship. Be honest about what you need. Be honest about the grieving process you need to go through. Until you are ready to set boundaries, just state what your needs and feelings are. You can say things like, "I am not sure what I will do if this continues" or "I don't agree that looking at pornography is okay, because it isn't with me."

2. Boundaries. When you are ready, state your boundaries regarding the pornography. State them with consequences for violating them only when you are ready to enforce them. You also need boundaries to protect you from financial loss and sexual diseases.

3. Detachment. You have to manage your response. This is your husband's problem to deal with. He has to hit his own bottom where he wants to stop. Your willingness to be honest about how this is affecting you and the relationship, as well as your boundaries, will help him reach his bottom. If you enable by covering up, tolerating, and pretending it is okay, you will prevent him from facing his own sin.

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4. Support. Get support for yourself so you can get stronger and clearer on the problem and how to respond to it. You can reach out to a friend, family member, counselor, or 12 Step support group.

5. Prayer. Continue to pray for your husband and for the Holy Spirit to convict him. The Holy Spirit can use your honesty, boundaries, and actions to convict your husband (1 Peter 3:1-2). Pray for wisdom with timing and grace with any consequences, especially if your husband is trying to stop and is acknowledging the problem. Trust God with the outcome while praying for patience.

6. Awareness. It takes emotional maturity and awareness to manage your reaction. You will have "triggers," which are anything that reminds you of what your husband did. It could be a look, a phone call, being on the computer, not answering a cell phone, a touch, a movie, or anything else that reminds you of the sexual acting out. If you react in a way that harms the relationship, your reaction can contribute to a negative cycle in the marriage that prevents healing and intimacy. Recognize your triggers. Talk to your spouse or support person about them, so you can react in a way that isn't destructive.

This Christian marriage help gives you six ways to respond to your husband's use of pornography that will increase the probability that he will take the problem seriously and stop, even though it might take time for it to happen.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.


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