My Divorce Journal - What's the Focus?

Then - 11/1/2003

“I usually write when things are bad and they are as bad as it gets. ‘Carl’ has been to every doctor known to man, has taken every medicine available and even went to a nutritionist. For 2 ½ years we’ve been dealing with all of his physical ailments – night sweats, heart palpitations, sleeplessness, throwing up, body twitches, blurred vision. When physical issues were ruled out he went to a psychiatrist that put him on an anti-anxiety medication and an anti-depressant. When he started to fall asleep on the couch really early I attributed it to the medicine. When he started to slur his words I attributed it to the medicine. When we went away with ‘Rob and Rachel’, ‘Rob’ noticed how ‘Carl’ doesn’t focus. I told him it was because of his medication; ‘Rob’ told me he thought ‘Carl’ had a drinking problem. I told him that that couldn’t be because I rarely saw him drink more than a beer every once in awhile.

Then my mother mentioned the same thing when we took the kids trick-or-treating last night. I went searching to prove them wrong; my head is spinning and I can’t focus right now because I found what ‘Carl’ has been hiding. He has been drinking A LOT and I had no idea.”

Now – 2/7/11

After I wrote my first article in this blog last week I found journals that predated the one I had started with. I had written on and off for many years, using my journals to vent frustration or to get clarity. I opened up one of the oldest ones which started in the year 2000. As I flipped through the pages I saw a three year gap in the dates; then I read the above entry and realized why.

My focus for the three years between 2000 and 2003 was on what was happening with ‘Carl’. Why was he having all these unexplained physical symptoms and what were the doctors missing? Our marriage was hanging by a thread during that three year period for many reasons that transpired prior his physical issues and we had been seeing a therapist together and individually. Looking back, I probably didn’t write in a journal because I had a therapist to share my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings.

But then came the bomb shell revelation that Halloween night in 2003 and I didn’t know what to focus on. I had a marriage crumbling, a house and two kids to take care of, a mentally taxing job as a Certified Public Accountant at a small company that depended on me, family and friends that were confused and concerned for me and now the knowledge that I had been married to an alcoholic and didn’t know it. Over the next year the focus was still on ‘Carl’ but for different reasons. I was now focusing on his addiction and the ripple effects on every aspect of our lives.

I’m glad I found that earlier journal to start writing this blog because it begins at the turning point of my life, my marriage and my future divorce. Stay tuned because the journey is just beginning.

Next week – What’s normal?