Mother Wounds: Can Developmental Trauma Cause A Man To Put Women On A Pedestal?

When a man is around certain women, it might be hard for him to keep it together, so to speak. What this can mean is that during this time, he ends up feeling anxious and can’t function as he normally would.

This is likely to be an experience that he has when he is around a woman to who he is attracted and would perhaps like to take things further. He is then just going to be in the presence of another human being but it will be as though this is not the case.

Two Levels

He is then going to be on one level and the women he is attracted to will be on another level altogether. If he was able to step back and reflect on how he behaves in this area of his life, he may see that he has been this way for as long as he can remember.

What could also stand out is that as he behaves in this way around women he is attracted to, it has held him back. Instead of this being an area of his life that is deeply fulfilling, then, it might be an area that is very frustrating.

A Natural Outcome

Naturally, if the women he is attracted to have this effect on him and he can’t act normal, it is to be expected that he won’t be able to get very far. For one thing, as a woman is simply a fellow human being - who has her own needs, fears, wounds, challenges, hopes and dreams - and is not a being from another planet, she is not going to want to be treated like she is.

Appreciating a woman is one thing; it is another thing altogether to worship her. Having said that, there are women ‘out there’ who want to be worshipped by a man and, in a lot of cases, this is likely to show that they are unconsciously trying to meet some of their unmet developmental needs and avoid the pain that goes with these needs.

A Door Mat

Anyway, if he has been in a relationship with a woman who he was blown away by, it might not have lasted for very long. In the beginning, he might have felt full of life and as if he was on top of the world.

But, as time passed, he might have felt very low and as if he was living in hell. The reason for this is that he might have ended up being used, ignored, put down and she might have soon ended the relationship.

Two Experiences

If he was on top of the world at one point in time, he would have been in a very deep hole at another. He might see that he felt valuable, seen, and real before and now he feels worthless, invisible, and like he doesn’t exist.

Along with this, he could feel hopeless and helpless and he might even have moments when he thinks about ending his life. He is then going to be in a hell of a lot of pain and calling it a day will often be seen as the only way out of the hole he is in.

Stepping Back

At this point, he might wonder why he sees some women in this way and why he ends up feeling so high at the beginning of a relationship or when he is dating a woman and so low as time goes by and/or once his time with a woman has come to an end. If this has happened on more than one occasion, he could have well and truly had enough.

What could also cross his mind is why, when he is in a relationship with or dating a woman, he is unable to see her as just another human being. Furthermore, why he can’t be himself and expects so much, which will put a lot of pressure on the woman.

A Deeper Look

There is a strong chance that what took place during his formative years is playing a part in why he is experiencing life in this way. This may have been a time when he was deprived of the love that he needed.

So, by being neglected throughout this stage of his life, he wouldn’t have been able to grow out of this stage. Instead, he would have ended up experiencing a lot of pain and a big part of him (a part that is likely to be made up of many smaller parts) would have ended up being frozen in time.

His Everything

During this stage of his life, he would have seen his mother as a god; she was the centre of his world. And, as he was dependent on her, her attunement and care would have been vital.

If she had typically acknowledged his existence and given him attention, he would have often felt seen, loved and wanted, and he would have been able to grow and develop. But, as this rarely if ever happened, he would have often felt invisible, unloved, unwanted and hopeless and helpless, and stayed in a developmentally stunted state.

A Replay

Many, many years will have passed since that stage of his life but as he missed out on what he needed, he won’t have truly moved on from it. Physically he will be a man but emotionally he will feel like a child or younger.

When he sees a woman to who he is strongly attracted, this is likely to be a time when he will unconsciously project his mother onto the woman, and, a big part of him will believe that he will finally meet his unmet developmental needs. This is why he will feel on edge around a woman like this and whole and complete when he is with a woman like this.

Old Wounds

Of course, another woman won’t be his mother and thus, won’t be able to give him what he missed out on as a child, but, this part of him won’t realise this. The hope that he experienced throughout his early years - as a defence to keep his true feelings at bay - will then be experienced at a deeper level once again.

Yet, this hope will soon be shattered and some of the pain that was repressed all those years ago will end up entering his conscious awareness. In all likelihood, his mother simply couldn’t love him; it was then not that he was worthless or unlovable.

Awareness
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If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.