Mother Wounds: Can A Man Hide His True Self Around A Woman If His Mother Was Abusive?

When a man starts dating a woman, he can end up putting on an act. This can be something that just takes place, as opposed to him consciously choosing to behave this way.

So, he can come across as confident and as though nothing bothers him. As a result, he is going to hide certain parts of himself and what is really going on for him, and this will mean that some of his needs will also be overlooked.

The Outcome

Now, during the early stages of being with a woman, it could be said that it is going to be normal for a man to want to present his ‘best self’. However, this is going to be radically different to a man putting on an act.

When the former takes place, he will want to be at his best but he will still come across as an imperfect human being who has challenges. Yet, when the latter takes place, he will come across as though he is superhuman and doesn’t have any challenges.

A Lot of Pressure

Thanks to how he behaves, as the days and weeks pass, he can experience more and more pressure. This is because he will have presented himself in a way that doesn’t match up with who he is or reality.

Consequently, he can fear that, sooner or later, the woman will find out who he really is. He then won’t be able to fully relax around her or when he is by himself.

One Scenario

Before long, his act might fall apart and this can be a time when his true self will be revealed. At this point, the woman that he is with could accuse him of trying to deceive her and end up cutting her ties with him.

Then again, she might be angry and upset but make it clear that he doesn’t need to be someone who he is not and there is nothing wrong with who he is. If she does leave him, he could end up being in a very bad way, but, if she is understanding and doesn’t leave him, he could find it hard to accept that she would want to be with him.

The Next Step

If he does find it hard to accept, he could end up doing something or a number of things that will push her away. This is not to say this is something that he will consciously choose to do.

Assuming that their time together does come to an end, either due to her cutting her ties with him or him unconsciously sabotaging their relationship, he could end up looking deeper into this area of his life. He might see that this is not the first time this has taken place.

A Pattern

He could see that whenever he has been with a woman, he hasn’t been himself at the beginning or as time passed. It can be as if he turns into a performer when he is with a woman and has to come across as though he has it all together.

Thus, he won’t come across as a real human being who has things that he is happy with and things that are troubling him. This will stop him from fully showing up and being able to connect to the woman.

A Closer Look

For him to gain a deeper understanding of why he behaves in this way, he can use his imagination. If he were to imagine being himself and not making out that he or his life is perfect, he could end up feeling anxious and fearful.

This can be a time when he expected to be criticised, humiliated, ignored, rejected and left. If this is the case, it is likely to illustrate that he doesn’t believe that he is valuable or lovable and that the only way that a woman would want to be with him is if he pretends to be someone who he isn’t and to live a life that he doesn’t live.

What’s going on?

Based on this, he is then going to have two options: either he reveals himself and a woman won’t want to go on another date with him let alone date him, or he puts on an act, and he will be able to be with a woman. He will be deprived in the first scenario, but, he will also be deprived in the second scenario.

At this point, he can wonder why he expects to be criticised, humiliated, ignored, rejected and left by a woman if he fully shows up. What might soon enter his mind is that these expectations are a consequence of the experiences that he has had with women over the years.

A Deeper Look

But, while he may have had these experiences with women over the years, there can be another reason why he is this way. There is a chance that his early years were anything but nurturing.

This may have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, she might have been verbally and even physically abusive.

A Big Impact

Throughout this stage of his life, then, it would have been normal for him to be put down, humiliated, ignored, rejected and left. This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.
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He would have missed out on the emotional nutrients that he needed to develop a felt sense of his own worth and lovability. To handle what happened, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs.

Another Element

Moreover, as he was egocentric and there wasn’t anyone else around to mirror his value and lovability, he would have come to believe that he was worthless and unlovable and that his needs and feelings were bad. Due to how he was treated, he would have been sent the message that there was something inherently wrong with him.

But, even though his mother wasn’t able to love him, most likely because she herself hadn’t been loved during her formative years, he would have still struggled to be loved by her. To try to be loved by her, and minimise the harm that was done to him, he would have lost touch with his connected, true self, and developed a disconnected and outer-directed, false self.

Moving Forward

Although this stage of his life will be over, a big part of him will still be looking for his mother’s love. This part of him will cause him to unconsciously re-create situations with women that are similar to what it was like with his mother in the hope of finally being loved by her.

This part of him has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t accept that it is too late for him to receive this love and that another woman is not his mother. For him to change this area of his life, he is going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.