After being with a man for a little while, a woman could feel as though he is too much for her to handle. This is because she could feel controlled and as if her ability to freely express herself has been taken away.

However, there is a strong chance that she didn’t feel this way in the beginning. When she first met him and for a little while after, she may have felt valued, loved and even special. She may have believed that she had finally met the man who was right for her and perhaps that she would stay with him forever.

A Slow Process

But, this stage would have gradually changed, with her going from one extreme to another. Right now, she could struggle to understand how it was possible for him to change so much.

If it wasn’t for his appearance, then, she might question if she is even with the same man as before. At the same time, she might look back and see that there were signs that he was controlling right from the start.

A Different Experience

Still, she may have appreciated the attention that he showered her with and not thought too deeply about what was going on. Due to this, she could now criticise herself for not paying attention to the signs.

However, what she can keep in mind is that she has access to more information now and this is why these signs will mean so much. Also, she didn’t know where it would lead before.

The Experience

When it comes to what he did that made her feel valued, loved and even special, there is a chance that he sent a lot of messages and called her a lot. Additionally, he may have often asked about what she was doing, what she planned to do that night and/or at the weekend and when she was free.

If ever she wanted to go somewhere, he may have offered to take her and pick her up afterwards. Furthermore, he may have paid a lot of attention to her appearance and made it clear what he liked and encouraged her to wear more of the same thing or certain things.

A Gradual Transition

It could be said that it is not a surprise that she felt valued, loved and even special after she was treated in this way. Yet, if she was on top of the world at this stage, she would have soon ended up falling very far down as time went by.

As time passed, he may have wanted to know who she was with, where she was and told her not to spend time with certain people. Moreover, he may have stopped her from going out and prevented her from wearing certain clothes.


As opposed to being an adult, she would have felt like a child who needed the all-clear from her parent or parents. For so long, though, she may have kept what was taking place to herself and suffered in silence.

Even so, at least one of her friends, family members or a colleague is likely to have picked up on the fact that something wasn’t right. Assuming that she has opened up to at least one other person about what has been and is going on, it is likely to be a good idea for her to cut her ties with the man and keep her distance from him.

The Big Question

If she was to take this approach, after a number of weeks or months have passed and she starts to find herself again, and even before then, she could wonder why he was this way. This might be something that has crossed her mind before, that’s if she has been with a number of men that were like this.

If she has been in this position on more than one occasion, it will be a good idea for her to explore her own childhood and see if how she felt when she was with these men was a replay of how she felt as a child or before. What this comes down to is that old emotional wounds that are held in her unconscious mind/body that are not resolved from this stage of her life will continually be re-experienced until they are healed.

What’s going on?

Anyway, on the other side of this is going to be what is going on for a man who behaves in a controlling way and has the need to own a woman. It is highly likely that he behaves in this way due to what took place during his formative years.

This may have been a time when his mother was rarely available, which would have caused him to be deprived of the nutrients that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. So, he may have often been left and not given the presence, eye contact, and touch that he needed.

The Outcome

Not receiving what he needed would have caused him to experience a lot of pain, pain that would have automatically been repressed, and prevented him from being able to emotionally grow up. He would have often felt hopeless and helpless and gone into a collapsed physical state.

Many, many years will have passed since this took place, of course, but, when he ends up being drawn to a woman, a big part of him will unconsciously see her as his mother. His need to control and own her will then be a way for him to unconsciously receive the love that he missed out on and not be left again.

The Opposite Experience

If he was to let go and allowed the woman to be herself, he is likely to end up feeling very uncomfortable. To go deeper, he could end up feeling anxious, fearful, and powerless and as if his life is going to come to an end.

Therefore, how he behaves is not really about the woman he is with, or the women he may have been with; it is about him keeping his pain at bay and not falling apart. For him to change his behaviour, he will need to face and work through his emotional wounds and express his unmet developmental needs.

If a man can relate to this and is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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