Over the years, a man may have had a number of experiences with women that were anything but pleasant. This can mean that he has been in a number of relationships that greatly undermined him.

Additionally, there can be all the interactions that he has had, both at work and in his everyday life, that have been just as bad. Due to this, he might no longer want to be in a relationship and, in general, he might prefer to keep his distance from women.

A Closer Look

If he was to think about the experiences that he has had with women, what may soon enter his mind is that there has not been a great deal of warmth. As opposed to being loving and kind, then, they would have typically been cold, critical and lacked empathy.

There may have even been moments when it went further than this and he was physically harmed. If this is what he has experienced, it is not going to be a surprise if he has lost interest in being in a relationship and has the need to keep his distance from women.

A Natural Outcome

Assuming that he is in this position, it will be perfectly normal for him to be this way. A small part of him may want to be in a loving relationship but this part of him will be outmuscled by a bigger, stronger part of him that doesn’t.

This other part of him is simply not going to believe that this is possible, given what he has been through. Based on this, it could take something fairly significant for him to change his outlook.

A Negative Inner Model

If he was to think about letting a woman into his life, he could soon imagine a scenario that is not very harmonious. He could imagine that the woman is acting in a very harmful manner.

This will show that he expects a woman to be mean and unloving. And, while this is understandable, the fact that he expects a woman to behave in this way is also going to have an impact on his life

Two Parts

What this comes down to is that he is not merely a passive observer of reality; he is both an observer and a co-creator of it. Therefore, if he expects to be mistreated by a woman, he is going to greatly increase his chances of being mistreated.

When it comes to what he expects, it could be said that he only has these expectations because of the experiences that he has had with women. However, what if this is not the complete truth and there is far more to it?

Going Deeper

The other part of this is that he may have already had these expectations before he had any of these experiences as an adult. At this point, he could wonder how this is possible.

For him to understand how this could be possible, it will be a good idea for him to think about what his early years were like. If he was to do this, he may soon find that this was a stage of his life that was anything but nurturing.

The Foundations Were Laid

How he expects a woman to behave and even the experiences that he has had with them will largely be a consequence of how his mother treated him during his formative years. Throughout this stage of his life, he might have often been verbally put down, physically harmed and emotionally if not physically abandoned.

His mother, the woman who would have provided him with his first model of what a woman is like, will have deeply wounded him. To make matters worse, he would have personalised what took place as he was egocentric.

The Meaning

Thanks to this, it was not that his mother was in a bad way and was unable to love him; no, it was that there was something inherently wrong with him. He would have also come to believe that he was worthless and unlovable.

A number of his developmental needs would have been repressed, along with how he felt. Yet, even though these needs would have been removed from his conscious awareness, they would have continued to have an impact on his life.

Repeating The Past

From behind the scenes, so to speak, his need to be loved by someone who couldn’t love him would have caused him to behave in ways that would hopefully allow him to be loved. As he was powerless and totally dependent, it would have been too painful for him to face reality and a threat to his survival.

Many years will have passed since that stage of his life but a big part of him will still be trying to receive the love that he messed out on. This part of him will cause him to be pulled to women that are very similar to his mother in the hope that he will finally be loved.

It’s over

These women won’t be his mother obviously but at an emotional level, he won’t know this. For him to no longer look for the love that he missed out on and to be drawn to women who are different, he is going to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience.


If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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