Mother Wounds: Can A Fear Of Abandonment Cause A Man To Be A ‘Nice Guy’?

In general, a man could be easy-going, needless and do his best to please others. He is then rarely if ever going to assert himself, express his needs or disagree with what another person says.

But, although how he comes across won’t be a reflection of who he really is; he could believe that it is who he is. What this comes down to is that he is an individual with his own needs and feelings.

An Act

Therefore, in order for him to be this way, he is going to have to deny a number of his needs and ignore how he feels. So, if he believes that this is who he is, it is likely to show that he doesn’t have a strong connection with himself.

If this is the case, he is not going to be consciously choosing to play a role; it will be something that takes place automatically. And, this is then why he will believe that behaving in this way is a reflection of who he is.

One Outlook

If he was to think about how he behaves, he could believe that he is doing the right thing. He could believe that he either behaves this way, or he ends up acting in a very destructive manner.

Being easy-going is then going to be better than walking over others, being needless will be better than being self-absorbed, and pleasing others will be better than disregarding other people’s needs. He could also believe that he doesn’t have many needs and this is why he feels comfortable being this way.

A Sign

But, even if this is what he believes, there is likely to be feedback that proves that he is lying to himself. For example, he could often be very low and find it hard to do just about anything.

What is likely to be playing a part in why he has these experiences is that he both suppresses and represses how he feels he doesn’t allow himself to acknowledge how feels. Ultimately, he will continually be abandoning himself, so it is to be expected that he would pay a price.

Joining The Dots

As he is unable to make the connection, he could end up being put on medication, for instance. This might make it easier for him to function and he might become emotionally flat, but it won’t allow him to get to the bottom of what is really going on for him.

Consequently, he will continue to behave in the same way, and his life is likely to become even worse. It could take something significant for him to finally take a step back and reflect on his behaviour.

A Closer Look

If he was to get to the stage where he has had enough of being a none-entity and being walked over by others, he could wonder why it is so hard for him to be real and assert himself. To find out why this is, there are a number of things that he can do.

One thing that he can do is to imagine that he is with a friend and this friend asks him if he would like to do something that he doesn’t want to do. When he thinks about saying no let alone saying no, he could end up feeling anxious.

A Big Risk

Due to this, he could soon go along with the idea that this friend has put forward. When he comes back to reality, he could wonder why standing up for himself causes him to feel so uncomfortable.

This should be something that feels comfortable, not something that makes him feel as though his life is under threat. With so much to lose by being real, it is not a surprise that his true self has seldom seen the light of day.

What’s going on?

If he was to go deeper, what he may find is that he believes that acting like an individual will cause him to be abandoned and then die. While this can be seen as irrational, if what took place during his formative years is taken into account, it might make complete sense.

During this stage of his life, he might have been brought up by a mother who was emotionally unavailable and unable to provide him with the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. If so, he would have been forced to adapt to her needs and lost touch with a number of his needs.

A brutal Time

Along with being physically left by her, he wouldn’t have been able to emotionally attach to her. Not being able to form a strong bond with her would have stopped him from being able to develop a strong sense of self – a strong core – and lose touch with his aggression; the part of him that would have played a part in him having the need to separate from her and gradually become an individual.

The pain that he experienced, by being left and unable to reach her emotionally, would have ended up being repressed by his brain to allow him to keep it together and function. With this in mind, the reason he fears being abandoned is not purely because he was abandoned, it is also because he had to repress how he felt and wasn’t strong enough to face and integrate what took place.

Awareness
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If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.