If a man has come to see that he is neglecting his own life due to how much he does for his mother, he can believe that his father is at fault for how he behaves. He can then be frustrated and even angry about how he lives his life but his mother won’t have played a part.

In his eyes, then, his mother will have been abandoned by and let down by his father. This could mean that his father wasn’t around during his early years or he might have been around but been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Two Extremes

From this, his mother will be the good one and a victim, and his father will be the bad one and a perpetrator. So, when it comes to his mother, he can have the need to look after and care for her.

But, when it comes to his father, he could have the need to experience revenge and get him back for how he treated his mother. What happened will have been wrong and he will want to put things right.

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Based on this, if he was told that his mother also abandoned him and let him down by not being there for him, he might not be able to hear what was said. He could say that his mother was there for him, unlike his father, who wasn’t.

From this, it will be clear that it is not possible for him to see his mother objectively. If he was able to do this, he would be able to see that both his father and his mother were not there for him.

What’s going on?

It can seem strange why he is only able to see one of his parents clearly. However, it is likely that he is not consciously choosing to be this way.

The view that he has of his father and mother are likely to have been formed very early on. This would have been a stage of his life when he was underdeveloped and lacked the ability to think rationally.

Back In Time

During his early years, he is likely to have been greatly wounded and deeply deprived, thanks to a number of his developmental needs rarely if ever being met. How he felt and a number of his developmental needs would have ended up being repressed.

This would have allowed him to keep it together and function. As he was powerless and totally dependent, he was unable to change what was going on or to find another family.

The outcome

Along with losing touch with his feelings and a number of his needs, he would have developed a view of his mother that wasn’t accurate. If he had faced reality and seen his mother clearly, it would have been too much for him to handle.

Therefore, to stop himself from experiencing total despair and because he was egocentric, he would have believed that his mother was good and he was bad and that, if he did the right things, his needs would be met. In other words, this false view allowed him to experience a sense of hope – hope that allowed him to survive.

Anchored To The Past

Now, many, many years will have passed since this stage of his life but as he missed out on what he needed, he will be developmentally stunted. His mental and physical self will have grown but his emotional self will be underdeveloped.

As a result of what is going on for him at an emotional level, his survival will still be attached to his mother. This will give him the need to maintain the positive view that he has of her.

Facing Reality

If, on the other hand, he was to see her clearly and express how he really felt toward her, he would experience fear and anxiety. It would be as though his survival is under threat.

Yet, when it comes to seeing his father clearly and expressing how he feels, it will be different as his survival isn’t attached to his father. What this shows is that what is going on for him at a deeper level is having an impact on what he believes and how he perceives reality.

A Key Stage

For him to live his own life and be in his power, he needs to see his father and mother clearly. If he doesn’t do this, he will only get so far and his life will continue to pass him by.

After he has been able to see them clearly, the next stage will be for him to see that they were both deeply wounded human beings who were unable to provide him with what he needed. How he was treated was then not personal and he is not worthless and unlovable.


If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis cover all aspects of human transformation; including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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