After a man has come to see that he is overly focused on his mother and her needs, he could wonder what is going on. Also, what could soon stand out is that he has been this way for as long as he can remember.

He will see that he has his own life to live and needs to meet but he will have acted and continue to act as though this is not the case. At this point, he might have had enough of behaving in this way and watching his life pass him by.


But, while he will want to spend less time being there for his mother and more time being there for himself, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to change his behaviour. For example, his mother could soon ask him to do something and he could say that he is unable to as he is busy.

He could end up feeling relieved but, before long, he could end up feeling very low and as though he has done something wrong. This may also be a time when he experiences a fair amount of anxiety.

One Step Back

As a result of this, he might soon reach out to his mother and let her know that he will be able to do what she wants. After this has taken place, he could find that he starts to feel better and more at ease.

What will be clear from this is that in order for him to feel good about himself and not be on edge, he needs to please his mother. If he doesn’t, his inner world will be all at sea and he will find it hard to experience positive feelings and inner peace.

A Strange Scenario

After he has agreed to do something for her, he could feel frustrated and mildly angry, though. Yet, as he will have gone against himself, it is to be expected that there will be a part of him that is not happy.

Yet, as pleasing his mother is what feels right as opposed to pleasing himself, it shows that something is not right. He should be able to put himself first without feeling like he is a bad person or that something bad will happen to him.

An Irrational Response

If anything, how he feels when he puts himself first should be how he feels when he puts his mother first. Ultimately, he has his own life to lead; he is not here to be his mother’s servant.

However, even though he feels this way when he does put himself first, it doesn’t mean that he is actually doing anything wrong. Most likely, it simply shows that he was brought up to be there for his mother during his early years.

A Conditioned Response

Throughout this stage of his life, his mother, who was likely to be developmentally stunted, deeply wounded, and unconscious, would have probably seen him as nothing more than an extension of herself. Therefore, she wouldn’t have truly been able to accept that he was an individual that had his own needs, feelings and life to lead.

If he did express himself, he might have soon been punished, disapproved of and/or rejected and abandoned, Ether way, he would have come to associate expressing himself as something that was bad and a threat to his very survival.

Another Element

Along with this, if his father was around, he might have also made sure that his son was there for his mother. This would have meant that both of his parents conditioned him to be there for his mother and for this to end up being seen by him as the right thing to do.

His father may have also been focused on pleasing his mother (his partner) and been a non-entity. Thus, his father would have sent him the message, both directly and indirectly, that he was responsible for his mother.


What he needed at this stage of his life was a mother and a father who could see him and provide him with the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Instead, he was probably brought up by at least one parent who was still a child and unconsciously made him into the parent that they wanted but never had.

How he was treated was then not personal, it was simply a reflection of how underdeveloped one or both of his parents were. So, how he feels when he attempts to live his own life is how his mother and perhaps his father should have felt when they were using him.

Moving Forward

When this was taking place, though, his mother and his father, if he was there, were probably completely oblivious to how destructive their behaviour was. This was then why they were able to cause so much harm.

Taking this into account, he is not responsible for his mother and the sense of badness, guilt and shame that he experiences when he does what is right for him is not a sign that he is doing anything wrong; it is just a sign that he is going against the conditioning he received. For him to understand this at an emotional level, he will probably have a number of emotional wounds to heal.


If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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