After being with a number of men who were overly focused on their mothers, a woman could question if she will ever meet a man who is actually available. To say that she will feel pretty hopeless when it comes to this area of her life could be an understatement.

But, as she has gone through the same experience with a number of men, this is to be expected. She could even believe that all men are the same and that this area of her life will only change if they change.

In The Beginning

If she was to think about what it was like when she first started spending time with one of these men, she might have believed that she had met the right man. He might have been very attentive and done what he could to please her.

And, if he had done things for his mother, she might have believed that he was just being kind and caring. Therefore, how he was behaving wouldn’t have been seen as a sign that he was out of balance.

The Next Phase

As the days, weeks and months passed, though, it might have soon become clear that he wasn’t just being kind and caring; he was more concerned about his mother’s needs than his own. She might then have gone from appreciating how he was, to wondering why he was so caught up with his mother.

The ‘positive’ feelings that she experienced would then have gradually been transformed into ‘negative’ feelings, with her feeling angry and resentful as a result. She is also likely to have felt drained as time passed and might have lost interest in some of the things that she used to enjoy doing.

Drawing the Line

Perhaps after getting to the point where she could no longer take any more, she might have said enough, is enough and ended the relationship for good. Then again, she might have cut her ties with the man and then ended up getting back with him, hoping that this time it would be different.

But regardless of if she did this once or a number of times, the outcome would have been the same. Each time this took place, she might have been hard on herself for making the same mistake.


If this is what has taken place, what she can keep in mind is that she did the best that she could with what she knew. Also, if she was able to see that he hadn’t changed, she wouldn’t have rekindled their relationship.

Of course, if she has tried to rekindle a relationship with not just one man like this but a number of relationships with men like this, it could be harder for her to be kind to herself. Yet, even if this is the case, she will still deserve her kindness.

Inner Conflict

So, coming back to how she feels and perhaps sees men, part of her might no longer want to have a relationship with a man. She will have gone through too much to put herself through all that again.

However, even if part of her is this way, another part of her can still want to be in a relationship with a man. This part of her can have the need to be with a man who is emotionally available.

A Natural Need

But, as she will be an interdependent human being, it is not going to be possible for her to fully turn her back on this area of her life. If she could, she could gradually come to terms with what she has been through and purely focus on other areas of her life.

The trouble is that if she feels totally hopeless and helpless when it comes to this area of her life, she can believe that she only has two options. One, she turns her back on this area of her life, or, two, she has to be with a man who is caught up with his mother and is unavailable.

What’s going on?

Nonetheless, while it may seem as though there is very little if anything that she can do, there is a strong chance that this is not the truth. As she has been with a number of men who are like this, it is likely to show that this is not something that happened randomly.

Most likely, this is something that is by design. This is not to say that she consciously chooses to have these experiences; no, what it is likely to mean is that at a deeper level, she is both choosing to experience life in this way and it is serving her.

Going Deeper

If she believes that she begins and ends with her conscious mind, it might be hard for her to accept this. What she will need to keep in mind, if she is not already aware of this, is that her unconscious mind is far bigger and far more powerful than her conscious mind.

One of the things that this part of her will do is cause her to unconsciously re-recreate scenarios that are very similar to her early years, in the hope that she will finally be loved. The challenge is that most if not all of what took place during her formative years might have been blocked out by her brain in order to protect her and this will stop her from being able to join the dots, so to speak.

Replaying The past

If it wasn’t for this, she would probably be able to see that how she felt with these men is a replay of how she felt as a child and/or before. Without this understanding, it will be perfectly normal for her to see herself as a passive observer of what is taking place and to feel hopeless and helpless.

With this understanding, what is taking place externally will be seen as a symbolic reflection of what she needs to face and integrate. She will know that what is taking place ‘out there’ is an externalisation of what is taking place within her consciousness.


If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, true self and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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