Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Woman Being Selfish If She Leaves A Mother-Enmeshed Man?

For a little while now, a woman may have been with a man who is unable to be there for her. This can be because he is too focused on taking care of his mother’s needs and doesn’t have much time or energy left for anyone else.

As a result, this is not going to be a relationship that is having a positive effect on her. But, as she will have given a lot and received very little in return, this is to be expected.

A Big Decision

What can often enter her mind is that she needs to cut her ties with him and move on. During this time, she can think about how he is not going to change and she is wasting her life by staying with him.

This could be something that enters her mind a few times a week, or it could be something that enters her mind more often. However, another, stronger part of her might not want to take this step.

Inner Conflict

If so, this part of her can not only believe that he will change if she hangs in there but that it wouldn’t be right for her to leave him. When it comes to the latter, she can believe that she needs to support him.

It is then going to be her responsibility to be there for him and to hang around until he has been able to break away from his mother. Due to this, she is not going to be able to move on.

The Other Side

If she were to imagine drawing the line and leaving him, then, she is likely to end up feeling guilty and ashamed. It will be as if she has done something that is very bad and will be filled with regret.

Staying with him will then be having a negative impact on her mental and emotional health but this will just be something that she has to put up with. Being there for him and seeing this through will be what matters.

External Feedback

If she were to share what is going on for her with a friend or family member, they could say that she is not responsible for him and needs to do what is right for her. They might even say she doesn’t owe him anything.

She could make it clear that she agrees with what they are saying or she could just listen to what they have to say. Either way, it is not going to have much of an impact on how she behaves.

Stepping Back

Ultimately, as she is not his parent, there is no reason for her to feel responsible for him. The only person who she is responsible for is herself, and, by ignoring herself and focusing on him, she is abandoning herself.

Thanks to this, not only has the man turned his back on himself but she will have also done the same thing. And, as she is putting her time and energy into a man who is not playing his part, she won’t be helping him; she will be enabling his behaviour and working herself into the ground.

What’s going on?

Naturally, as long as she supports his behaviour, there will be less need for him to change his behaviour. Yet, if she were to cut her ties with him, this might give him the push that he needs to change course.

If she were to reflect on this, she could wonder why she feels responsible for him and feels comfortable neglecting herself. What this is likely to show is that her inner model, when it comes to relationships, relates to her ignoring her own needs and focusing on another person.

Going Deeper

Along with this, she is likely to believe that her needs are not as important as another person’s needs and are bad. Her needs will then be of secondary importance and she will need to hide them.

Most likely, how she behaves in this area of her life is a reflection of how she behaved as a child. At this stage of her life, she probably had a mother and perhaps a father who were emotionally unavailable and unable to be there for her.

The message

She would then have been forced to focus on their needs and ignore a number of her own needs. Instead of being able to be a child and freely express herself, she would have had to act like a parental figure and play a role.

As she was egocentric, this would have caused her to believe that there was something wrong with her needs and that she was responsible for others. To survive a depriving environment, she had to abandon herself and become a needless human being.

A Replay

Many, many years will have passed, but, a big part of her will still be trying to meet her unmet development needs. This part of her will cause her to unconsciously recreate situations that are very similar to how it was for her as a child in the hope that she will finally be loved.

This part of her won’t realise that this stage of her life is over or that another person is not her mother and/or father as it has no sense of time and is blind. It was too hard for her to face her feelings very early on but she is now strong enough to gradually face and work through them.

Awareness

If she can relate to this and is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.