Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Being Controlled By His Inner Mother?

As an adult, a man is free to do what is right for him and live his own life. However, if he spends most of his life focused on and doing things for his mother, he is unlikely to realise this.

In fact, he might not even realise that he is overly focused on his mother let alone that he has the right to live his own life. If this is the case, there will be no reason for him to change his behaviour.

Two Stages

For his life to change, first, he will need to become aware of what is going on, and, second, he will need to change his behaviour. Until this takes place, he will continue to turn his back on himself.

His life then will then pass him by and he won’t be able to get any of this time back. Considering this, the sooner that he wakes up and starts being there for himself, the better off he will be.

Seeing Clearly

What can allow him to become aware of what is going on is a breakdown, breakup, a serious illness or a job loss. After something like this has taken place, he can be in a very bad way both mentally and emotionally.

Not only this, but he can wonder why he has been so focused on his mother and still has the need to be this way. Still, what he could soon conclude is that she is in control of him and there is very little that he can do about what is going on.

Possessed

But, as he feels the need to be there for her, this is to be expected. It can be as though she owns him and there isn’t anything he can do about what is going on.

Before long, then, he can be doing something for her and putting his own needs to one side. Due to this, he can experience frustration, anger, rage and hate, and he can feel helpless and hopeless.

One View

At this point, he can believe that the only way that his life will change is if his mother gives him permission to focus on himself or if she passes on. Other than this, he will be nothing more than a slave and his mother will be his master.

And, if he were to talk to her about what is going on for him, she might not listen to what he has to say. Or if she does, she could dismiss what he says and criticise him.

Another Angle

Now, while it may seem as if his mother is in control of him and he is nothing more than her possession, what if there is more to it? What if he is not being controlled by his mother and is actually being controlled by something else?

After hearing this, he could say that this is not possible as he wants to be free but his mother is controlling him. On one level, this will be the case but, if he were to go deeper, he might soon find that there is more to it than this.

A Closer Look

So, if he were to imagine saying no to his mother and putting himself first, he could find that he feels anxious and fearful. After this, he could end up feeling guilty and ashamed.

From this, it will be clear that it is what is going on inside him that is stopping him from freely expressing himself, not what is going on outside of him. Of course, his mother could criticise and even threaten him in some way, for instance, but, if it wasn’t for what was going on inside him, this wouldn’t have much of an impact on him.

Going Deeper

What this will show is that along with the mother that exists externally, there is the mother that exists internally. The mother that exists externally will only have control over him because of the mother that exists internally.

When it comes to his inner mother, this will be a version of his mother that was formed during his formative years. Thanks to the experiences that he had with her from the moment he was born and for a number of years after, he would have created an inner model of his mother.

More to It

Along with how he came to see her, this model will also include what he believes that he needs to do to be loved by her and survive. He is then likely to believe that if he doesn’t focus on her he won’t be loved or survive.
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But, as he is an adult, he shouldn’t be dependent on her love or be dependent on her for his survival. Most likely, he is still looking for the love he missed out on as a boy and doesn’t know that she is not in control of his survival.

The Cause

What this is likely to show is that during his formative years, she was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. This would have stopped him from receiving the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

The outcome of this is that he would have been greatly wounded and deeply deprived. To handle what was going on, how he felt and a number of his needs would have been repressed but he would have continued to live in the hope that if he did what his mother wanted, he would be loved.

Frozen In Time

Many years will have passed since that stage of his life but thanks to the inner mother that he formed, he will believe that if he continues to be there for her, he will be loved and will survive. On the other hand, if he doesn’t, he won’t be loved and his life will come to an end.

At this stage of his life, he wouldn’t have been freely loved and he was probably often rejected and left. For him to change his inner mother and move on from the past, he is likely to have a lot of inner work to do.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.