Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man Realise That He Is Sacrificing Himself?

Naturally, if a man is focused on his mother and does what he can to meet her needs, it is going to take a lot of his time and energy. This will then mean that he will have less time and energy for himself.

Now, if he did things for his mother from time to time, whilst primarily focusing on his own life, it would be different. But, as he is in a position where he is neglecting himself, he is going to be depriving himself.

A Different Scenario

If, on the other hand, he could more or less completely focus on her and be there for himself, it would be different. He would be able to be there for her and he would be able to have his own life.

But, for this to take place, he would need to clone himself as this is the only way that this scenario would be possible. Ultimately, he can’t exclusively focus on his mother or anyone else and be there for himself.

Unaware

However, even though it is not possible for him to be there for his mother in this way and himself, he might not be aware of this. Then again, he might not even be aware of the fact that he is ignoring himself.

It can seem strange as to how he could be this way and not be aware of what is going on. There are at least two reasons why he wouldn’t be aware of what is going on.

Two parts

First, this can just be what is normal, and, second, he can have a very weak connection with his body. If this is just what is normal, he won’t know that there is another way for him to experience life.

And, if he has a weak connection with his body, he won’t have access to the needs and feelings that will let him know that he is out of balance. These two factors will then cause him to act as though he is nothing more than an extension of his mother.

A Half-Life

When it comes to the life that he leads, it is not going to be anything like the life that he could lead if he spent more time and energy meeting his own needs. So, he could have a job that is soul-destroying or he might enjoy what he does.

His health could be good or it might not be good but, as he is depriving himself, it won’t be a surprise if it is not good. As for his romantic relationships, he might not have any close friends or have ever been in a romantic relationship.

A Challenging Area

Alternatively, he might have been in a number of romantic relationships but they might have generally followed a certain path. At first, he might have enjoyed being with a woman only to feel weighed down as the relationship progressed.

He might have ended up pulling away emotionally, if not physically, with the woman ending their relationship before long. He would then have created some distance between his mother and himself, only to be pulled back into her world.

No Way Through

Some of the women that he has been with might have been aware of what was going on and spoke to him about it. Nonetheless, they might not have been able to make much headway, with him dismissing what they said.

As they were on the inside and didn’t have defences in place that were blocking out reality, they would have had the ability to see clearly. Therefore, until his defences start to fall apart, he will continue to behave in this way and, his life will continue to pass him by.

A Necessary Stage

With this in mind, the sooner that his defences start to fall apart the better off he will be. The reason for this is that he is not going to live forever and, with each moment that passes, the less time he will have to live his own life.

What can cause his defences to fall apart is the end of a relationship, a serious illness or a job loss. Also, simply living in a way that is not serving him and gradually being worn down can be enough.

Inner Conflict

When they do start to crumble and he is no longer able to keep it together, this can be a time when he will experience fear and anxiety and guilt and shame. His need to live his own life can then be seen as a threat to his survival and as something that is bad.

Assuming that he does experience these feelings, these are likely to be a consequence of what took place during his formative years. This is likely to have been a time when he was deeply deprived and greatly wounded.

Back in Time

As his mother is likely to have been developmentally stunted, she wouldn’t have been able to provide him with what he ended. She would have looked toward him to be there for her, which would have caused him to adapt to her heeds.

Along with being deprived, he would have gradually lost touch with the connection that he had to his body and thus, his needs and feelings and developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self. He would have come to believe that his needs and feelings were bad and that he was responsible for his mother.

A New Reality

Right from the beginning of his life, then, he would have been sent the message that he had to give himself up for his mother. This was how he survived and was able to receive his mother’s approval.

The truth is that he was not and is not here to give himself up for anyone. He has the right to meet his own needs and have his own life and, it is only by living in this way that he can truly be there for another.

Awareness
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If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.