Mother-Enmeshed Men: Does A Mother-Enmeshed Man Need To Make “The Unconscious Conscious”?

If a man can see that he is out of balance, due to how caught up he is with his mother’s needs, two things can cross his mind. First, he can wonder why he is this way and, second, if there is anything that he can do to change his life.

Now, he might soon see that he has been this way for as long as he can remember. If so, he can then come to the conclusion that there is likely to be very little that he can do to change his life.

Weighed Down

But, if he feels compelled to be there for his mother, more or less whenever she needs him and has been this way for a long time, this is to be expected. It will be as though he is a puppet and she is the one who is pulling his strings.

At this point, he could feel helpless and hopeless and he could think about whether he even wants to be alive. Either way, what will be clear is that he won’t be living a fulfilling life and he won’t see a way out of the invisible prison that he is in.

A Bleak Existence

Before long, he could be doing something for his mother or listening to her talk about a challenge she is going through. She is then going to be his mother but she will be more like his child.

This will be a relationship, if it can be called a relationship, that is one-sided. It won’t provide him with a great deal and he is likely to spend a lot of time running on empty, as a result.

Other Areas

To make matters worse, he might not have any close friends, could have a job that is soul-destroying and his health might not be good, either. Thanks to how much he is giving and how little he is receiving, he might arrive at the stage where he can’t function any more.

But, as he is an interdependent human being, who has his own needs, it is not possible for him to endlessly give and still be able to be at his best. As things stand, it is unlikely that his mother will realise how destructive her behaviour is and change.

Self-Absorbed

There is a strong chance that she lacks empathy, is unable to see her son as a separate being and believes that she is entitled to his time, energy and resources. She is then going to look human but she won’t be in touch with her humanity.

In all likelihood, she is developmentally stunted, with her not having moved beyond around three years of age. Her childhood is likely to have been a time when she was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Generational Deprivation

To handle what happened, she probably would have developed a disconnected, inflated and unfeeling false self. And, as she didn’t become aware of or heal any of the damage that was done, she ended up unconsciously looking toward her son to provide her with what she missed out on.

The outcome of this is that her son would have also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Instead of being able to be a child and receive what he needed to grow and develop, he would have had to lose touch with a number of his needs and feelings and focus on his mother’s needs.

One Purpose

From a young age, then, he would have learnt that his reason for existing was to focus on and take care of his mother needs. So, behind the disconnected, selfless and perhaps capable false self that he was forced to create as a child will be his wounded true self.

This part of him will be where his true needs and feelings will be found, and it will also be where the pain that he experienced during his early years and unmet developmental needs will be found. This pain and these needs will play a big part in why he feels compelled to be there for his mother.

Shinning the light
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If, then, this pain and these needs were not there, or not to the same degree, he wouldn’t have the same need to be there for her and he would be able to live his own life. Until he becomes aware of this pain and the unmet developmental needs that go with it and starts to work through this material, he will continue to be owned by his mother.

After hearing this, he can wonder how he will be able to connect to his wounded true self. For him to do this, he will need to bring his awareness down into his body as this is where the impact that his past had on him will be found.

A Process

However, he is likely to have a lot of defences in place that prevent him from just being able to reconnect to his body, even though it is just below his head. But, assuming that he is able to gradually reconnect to this part of him, he can end up coming into contact with different child parts.

These parts can be in a lot of pain and be desperate for the love that was not provided all those years ago. Facing and working through this material will allow him to integrate these split-off parts and become more whole and complete.

Moving Forward

Consequently, what was running his life from behind the scenes, so to speak, in his unconscious mind will lose its power over him. This will allow him to own himself and do what is right for him.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.