Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man’s Mother See Him As Her Saviour?

If a man was to see that he is overly focused on his mother, he can wonder why he is this way. But, if he is behaving more like her parent than her son, it is to be expected he would be confused.

He can spend a lot of time doing things for her and listening to her problems and providing emotional support. As a result of what he does for her, he is not going to have much time and energy for his own life.

Self-Neglect

He will then be an individual but it will be as though his sole purpose is to meet his mother’s needs, not his own. If he has a job, it might not be very fulfilling and he might have been doing the same thing for years.

And, if he is in a relationship, he might not have much time for his girlfriend. His girlfriend could then spend a lot of time feeling ignored and as though she doesn’t matter to him.

A Compulsion

Still, as destructive as it will be for him to ignore himself and be there for his mother, he can find that he can’t just change his behaviour. The pull to be there for her and sacrifice himself can be so strong that it’s as if she is in control of him.

This will be what feels comfortable to a big part of him and seen as the right thing for him to do. If he were to speak to his mother about what is going on for him and how he no longer wants to be so focused on her, he might not get very far.

A Dead-end

This can be a time when his mother won’t listen to what he has to say and she may even criticise him. If this takes place, she won’t treat him like someone who has value and the right to live their own life.

Deep down, she can believe that her son is her possession and that she is entitled to his time and energy. This will show that it is not possible for her to accept that he is a separate being who has his own life to lead.

An Inversion

Assuming that she sees him as her possession and as being here to meet her needs, it is likely to show that she is developmentally stunted. At an emotional level, she probably hasn’t moved beyond the stage of a toddler.

A toddler, by being stuck at the narcissistic stage of development, sees other people as an extension of themselves and as being there to meet their needs. However, if a toddler receives the attunement and care that they need, they will grow out of this stage.

Stunted

With this in mind, as his mother can’t accept that he is not part of her and is not here to meet her needs, it is likely to show that she didn’t receive what she needed to beyond this stage of her development. Due to this, a big part of her will see him as her parent, not her son.

As this is how she sees him now, it is also likely to be how she saw him practically from the moment that he was born. Irrespective of whether she was consciously aware of this, he would have represented someone who would give her what she needed but didn’t receive as a child.

A Lot of pressure

As the years went by, she would have expected more from him, with him being placed into the role of an attuned, caring and selfless parent. It would be easy to say that she gradually moulded him into the father that she didn’t have, but, it’s unlikely to be this black and white.

The reason for this is that if she didn’t grow beyond around three years of age, there would have also been the part that her mother played. Ultimately, she would have expected a lot from her son and given him very little.

Emotionally Malnourished

He might have generally had the clothes he needed, had enough to eat and somewhere to live, but that might have typically been about it. Not receiving the attunement and care that he needed would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded him.

The trouble was that as he was powerless and dependent on his mother for his survival, he had to adapt to her and become who she wanted him to be. Thus, he would have lost touch with his connected, true self and developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self.

The Truth

Many, many years will have passed since he was a powerless and dependent boy but, what is clear is that he still has the need to be who his mother forced him to be from a very young age. If he had received the love that he needed to be able to develop a strong sense of self and wasn’t deeply traumatised as a child, he probably would be able to live his own life.

For him to live his own life and realise that he is not here to provide his mother with what her parent or parents couldn’t, he will have a lot of inner work to do. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness
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If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist to healer.