Mother-Enmeshed Men: Did A Mother-Enmeshed Man Have To Abandon Himself?

If a woman is with a man who is focused on his mother’s needs and does what he can to please her, she is likely to wonder what is going on. She can struggle to understand why he is behaving in this way.

It could be clear to her that he is not there for himself and this is causing him to neglect a number of his needs. Not only this, but she could be angry and frustrated about how unavailable he is.

Self-Neglect

However, although he won’t be there for himself, this might be something that he is not aware of. Therefore, if his girlfriend, or anyone else for that matter, were to talk to him about what is going on, he could end up becoming defensive.

This person will then be trying to help him, but it will be as if they are trying to undermine him. From this, it will be clear that he is not ready to face up to what is going on.

One Outcome

If he does respond in this way and he is in a relationship, it might be best for his girlfriend to leave him. The reason for this is that if he is not ready to face reality, she is likely to be wasting her time if she tries to get through to him.

Moreover, even if she is able to get through to him, it could take many, many months or years before he is emotionally available. Of course, if he is able to face reality and is willing to work on himself, it will be different.

A Strange Scenario

With that aside, if he is not there for himself but is unable to see this, there is going to be no reason for him to change. His life will then continue to go in the same direction and he will continue to turn his back on himself.

This doesn’t mean that he won’t often feel frustrated, tired and exhausted but that he won’t allow himself to fully acknowledge what is going on or look at why he is this way. Most likely, his life will need to get a lot worse before it gets better.

The Next Stage

After a number of years have passed, he might arrive at the stage where he no longer has the energy or desire to behave in this way. Subsequently, he can wonder why his life is this way and how he can change it.

Still, a big part of him can still have the need to be there for his mother and not be there for himself. What this will show is that due to how conflicted he is, he can’t simply change his behaviour.

Resistance

He can find that if he thinks about changing his behaviour let alone changing it, he experiences fear and anxiety. If he were to go deeper, he can find that he fears that he will be rejected and abandoned.

Doing what is right for him and living his own life is then going to be seen as a threat to his survival. With this in mind, it is not a surprise that he is focused on his mother and has abandoned himself.

What’s going on?

At this point, he could believe that he is weak and powerless and even that there is something inherently wrong with him. In reality, there is a strong chance that he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded during his formative years.

Therefore, he would have missed out on what he needed to go through each developmental stage and would have ended up being developmentally stunted. If so, this is likely to have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and unable to provide him with what he needed.

A Closer Look

Along with this, she is likely to have used him to meet some of her adult and unmet development needs. Instead of her attuning to his needs, then, he would have had to attune to her needs and become who she wanted him to be.

As he was powerless and dependent, he couldn’t change her or find a mother who could love him; his only option was to adapt to her. If he did express himself, he is likely to have been punished in some way.

The Message

He would have learnt that he would only survive if he focused on and did what his mother wanted. Additionally, he would have learnt that his needs and feelings were bad and that he wasn’t allowed to have his own life.

This stage of how life will now be over but a big part of him won’t have moved on from this stage of his life. For this to take place, he will have beliefs to question and pain to work through, among other things.
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Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.