Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Mother-Enmeshed Man Only Change His Behaviour To Please His Girlfriend?

If a man is in a relationship but is overly focused on his mother, his girlfriend is likely to be frustrated with what is going on. This is because he will spend a lot of time doing things for his mother, having very little time for himself, let alone her.

She might have kept her true feelings to herself, or she might have spoken to him about how she feels. If she has spoken to him about how she feels, he might not have been able to accept that he is overly focused on his mother.

Another Outcome

However, over time, he might gradually be able to see that he is living in a way that is not serving him. If this does take place, he can come to the conclusion that he needs to reach out for external support.

This could be something that she has also put forward as being something that would be a good idea. He can then find someone to work with and start having regular sessions with a therapist, for instance.

Self-Activation

In this case, he will have activated himself; he won’t have needed his girlfriend or anyone else for that matter to make him take action or to keep taking action. As the days, weeks and months pass, his life is likely to change.

Still, it could take a number of years before he is able to fully break away from his mother. It can all depend on what stage of his life he was deprived and on the rate that he is able to work through his inner wounds, for instance.

Another Reality

Alternatively, he can end up reaching out for external support but only because he primarily feels that this is what he has to do. He will then be doing the ‘right’ thing, but it won’t be because he feels a strong call to do so.

His girlfriend can then believe that he wants to change his behaviour as he wants to be with her and for their relationship to progress. Nonetheless, this will only be a small part of what is driving him.

A Closer Look

Deep down, he can believe that if he doesn’t do what his girlfriend wants, he will end up being rejected and abandoned. This can then be seen as something that will cause his life to come to an end.

What this is likely to show is that he is unconsciously projecting the mother that he had into her. This will stop him from be able to see that she is just a woman, not an all-powerful, god-like, parental figure.

A Replay

As a result of this, he will primarily be motivated by fear, not love. Due to this, if his girlfriend stops encouraging him to take action and puts less pressure on him, he could end up going back to how he was before.

It might then only be a matter of time before she starts to become frustrated again and questions if she is with the right man. After she has spoken to him again, he can feel the pressure to change his behaviour again.

What’s going on?

At this point, it can seem strange why he wouldn’t be able to see his girlfriend as just a woman as opposed to an all-powerful, god-like, parental figure. But, if his early years are taken into account, it might soon make sense.
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This is likely to have been a stage of his life when he missed out on the nutrients that he needed to go from a dependent to an interdependent human being. His mother might have not only been emotionally unavailable and out of reach but she might have used him to meet some of her needs.

A Brutal Time

He would then have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. As he was dependent and powerless, he wouldn’t have been able to change her behaviour or find another mother.

To handle what was going on, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs, with him going into a disconnected and unfeeling state. This wouldn’t have changed what was going on or stopped him from suffering but it would have stopped him from being consciously aware of what was going on or the suffering that he was experiencing.

Anchored To The Past

Many years will have passed since he was a powerless and dependent boy, of course, but a big part of him will be frozen in time. At an emotional level, he will feel like a traumatised boy.

Thus, this part of him will see his girlfriend as the mother he had, which is why it will be essential for him to please her. This shows that even though he is not aware of this part of him, it is still having a big impact on his behaviour.

Moving Forward

What this part of him won’t be able to accept, as it has no sense of time and is blind, is that his childhood is over and another woman is not his mother. It is then not a surprise that he has such a strong need to please his girlfriend, not to mention his mother, and is unable to freely express himself.

For him to be able to emotionally grow up and do what is right for him, he is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.