Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Mother-Enmeshed Man Carry A Lot Of Disgust?

If a man’s life revolves around his mother, he is not going to have much time for another woman. If he was to get into a relationship, then, he is unlikely to have much time for her.

His mother will come first and his partner will come second. In the beginning, his partner might not have much of an issue with this, but, as time passes, this is unlikely to be the case.

Spread Too Thin

The reason why this might not be an issue at first is that she could believe that he just cares about his mother. However, as time passes, she is likely to see that he doesn’t just care about her; he is caught up with her life.

Naturally, as a number of her needs won’t be met, this is going to cause her to experience a lot of frustration. Due to how unavailable he is, she may think that she would be better off being by herself.

His Side

Now, while he might be able to see that he is out of balance and is too caught up with his mother, he might not be able to see this. If he is aware of this, he will be able to do something about this so that he can start to be there for himself and his partner.

Then again, if he is not aware of this, he will continue to neglect himself and his partner. And, if his partner was to open up about what is going on for her and point out that he is out of balance, he could deny what she says.

A Strong Reaction

After this and/or perhaps a number of conversations like it, he could start to experience a strong need to keep her at a distance and get away from her. This will show that he sees her as the problem.

She could then consciously or unconsciously pick up on this and feel the need to move closer. If so, this could show that she carries early wounds that relate to being emotionally deprived and his pulling away unlocks her fear of being left.

Transference

Of course, he won’t be her mother and/or father, but at a deeper level, this won’t be something that she is aware of. At this level, she will see him as someone from her past and this is why he will be seen as being in control of whether she lives or dies.

So, if she does try to get closer to him, he is likely to experience an even greater need to keep her at bay. This will illustrate that how he saw her when he first met her and perhaps for a little while afterwards is radically different to how he sees her now.

A Deeper look

At this point, he is likely to feel both smothered and trapped and thus, need to get away in order to experience inner control and feel at ease. Additionally, he could be experiencing a sense of disgust and this is why he is repelled by her.

As a result of this, she won’t be seen as someone who is good for him; she will be seen as someone who is bad for him. Therefore, like a pathogen that is in the air, he will need to protect himself from something that would undermine and even kill him.

Two Parts

When he has the need to get away, then, there will be what is going on for him at a mental, emotional and physical level. The thoughts that he has, how he feels and his body’s response will be there to mobilise him into action to allow him to get away from a threat.

The big question is why was he drawn to her at one stage and repelled by her at another? Also, it could be said that there is no reason for him to see her as a threat to his survival.

A Closer Look

As strange as this behaviour may appear to be, it is likely to soon make sense if his early years were taken into account. This is likely to have been a stage of his life when he missed out on the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Instead of his mother being focused on meeting his needs, she is likely to have been caught up with her own and used him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental needs. As he was being deprived of the emotional nutrients he needed and mistreated, he would have been deeply wounded and disgusted by her behaviour.

No Choice

Ultimately, the disgust that he experienced was a natural consequence of the fact he was being violated. But, as he was powerless and totally dependent, he wouldn’t have been able to act on this disgust and get away from her.

His only option was to disconnect from and repress what was going on for him and go into a collapsed state. This would have allowed him to be there for his mother but not be aware of how he felt or his needs.

The Connection

Many, many years will have passed since this stage, but, as what took place hasn’t been resolved and is still held inside him, he will replay this early scenario with other women. The difference is that while he wasn’t able to get away from his mother, he will be able to get away from another woman.

For him to truly let go of the past and no longer project the issues he had with his mother onto another woman, he is likely to have a lot of pain to face and work through and unmet development needs to experience. This will take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness
​
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.