Looking for Love

I Googled "dating" this morning - Google came up with 268m results. Whether it's online dating, speed dating, lunch dating or singles holidays, events for singles... actually I Google gave me even more results for singles - 288m.

Lots of people are looking for something that's missing in their lives - whether it's companionship, friendship or love. But there's a problem. Almost everyone who's out there "looking for love" is normal. Surely, you might think, that's not a problem - but I can assure you that it is.

"Normal" people use only 1% of their mind to do what they're supposed to be doing in the here and now - "normal" people cannot pay attention to what's going on before their very eyes - even if they decide to. "Normal" people lead automatic lives - reacting from one situation to the next. I'm not making this stuff up - there are decades of research that prove this. In fact, you know it from your ordinary everyday life - almost everything you do is a reaction - or done thoughtlessly.

You do all the little everyday things mindlessly - you don't think about walking, brushing your teeth, driving, grunting "morning" to your work colleagues, shouting at your children, browsing the internet - it all kind of happens automatically - it's what psychologists call automaticity - and it stops you from paying attention.

Now, if you are habitually not paying attention, how are you going to recognise the love of your life when he or she stares you in the face? It could be the person standing next to you buying a sandwich at lunchtime - it could be the person who pushes their way past you to get on the train - it could be someone who simply catches your eye as you do your "singles" shopping on a Thursday night - but you won't catch their eye - because you're not looking. "Normal" people are fast asleep - and it's damn difficult to see any opportunity if you're not all there - never mind actually grasp the opportunity.

Over the years I've worked with a number of people who are looking for "Mister Right" - or "Miss Right". Some of them realised that they had already met the person and didn't realise it until they sat down and reflected on what had happened - and, by then, generally speaking, it was too late. Others weren't happy with themselves and were looking for someone else to make them happy - normally a recipe for disaster (sooner or later). And that, of course, is simply another example of the blindness from which "normal" people suffer - not understanding or appreciating their own self-worth.

But, back to my first point - "dating" is now a huge business because people have stopped doing what comes naturally - finding a mate. Why? Because people have become more and more engrossed in the high-stress frenzy of everyday life and have stopped paying attention to what's before their very eyes.

Recent neuro-psychological research has established a direct link between your ability to pay attention and your ability to be happy. In other words, even though "normal" people have, as adults, got into the bad habit of not paying attention, if you re-develop your ability to pay attention, which we all had as children, you will be happy. Some authors will tell you that this is "The Secret" - but, it's no secret at all, it really is that simple.

How do you learn - or re-learn - how to pay attention. Well, you've five senses - use them. Spend a few minutes each day deliberately breaking the adult habit of doing things automatically by deliberately and carefully noticing what you see, feel, hear, smell and taste. Don't analyse what you experience, don't add to it - just observe it. In this way, you'll get used, once again, to paying attention - and your whole perspective on you and your life will gradually change.

Or spend a few minutes each day meditating - all meditation is is a way of getting you in touch with what's actually going on now - it hones your ability to stop the noise in your head and pay attention.

Whatever way you decide to do it, you need to start paying attention all over again. Then, you won't have to go looking for love - some day, when you're simply enjoying the moment by paying attention to it, love will slap you across the face - and you'll feel it!