Long Distance Marriage Falling Apart: How To Make Long-Distance Marriage Work - Long Distance Marriage Problems

All you need is love. That is what the films and songs say, but what happens when your love or whole family is living hundreds, or even thousands of miles away in another country.

As the world is getting smaller, thanks mainly to social media and cheaper / more convenient air travel, it seems that more and more of us having long distance relationships before and in marriage. There are millions of people who are involved with long distance relationships, despite the preconceived notion that they just don't work.

If you are one of the many millions of people who feel lonely right now because the love of your life (and perhaps children) are far away, console yourself with the thought that long distance relationships and marriages can, and do work. Some people have chosen to be in long distance relationships, while others are in the situation due to work commitments or financial reasons. This is prevalent across many know "expat cities" and "expat countries." It is reported that there are at least 10 million people worldwide that are involved with long distance relationships of some sort. Thought you were the only person facing the challenges a long distance relationship can bring? Think again, I speak to many and below I have outlined some success secrets for you from those I have had the privilege to work with

1. Share the travelling

Where possible share some of the travelling. Travelling takes up a lot of time and is exhausting for the traveler. Not to mention the cost if you are not married or sharing expenses. I have worked with several married expats who fly over 7 hours for a weekend every 4 or 5 weeks, they are wiped out by the time they get there, so if you have the option to share do so, so that neither of you get fed up.

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2. Plan enjoyable activities you have energy for

Alex was furious because every time he flew home he was greeted with a list of household chores to do, from fixing cars & bikes, painting rooms, putting up shelves, the list was never ending. His wife even promised that he would jobs for her sister and friend. This made him mad. After a hard week at work and the usual tiring air commute (packing, taxi, passport control, flight etc. ) he barely had the energy to watch a film, let alone get stuck into DIY. He felt like his wife no longer cared for, or was interested in him, she just wanted jobs done and his money. This is not uncommon, Nina another lady I worked with told me every time she stayed with her boyfriend she would spend the first 4 hours cleaning, as she couldn't stand the mess. In both cases intimacy and affection was destroyed, as frustration set the mood for their time together. So think about the traveler and their energy levels when you plan activities. Don't greet them with a "to do list" or hectic night out the first night they arrive, cook a romantic dinner or order a take out, so you can both relax and unwind, preferably alone.

3. Ensure you have alone time but don't isolate

Peter has lived away from his family for many years. Jobs at his level and salary are just not available in the UK. His wife has always refused to join him, arguing she and the children are settled. In the past 10 years, they have only had 1 full year together. Peter came to me to discuss whether his marriage was over or could be saved. I never judge or give my opinion on this matter, but I do help individuals and couples gain clarity on their most important emotional needs and help them establish whether their needs can and will be met by staying. We also review the relationship (highs and lows) to determine actions or discussion points to create positive change. One thing Peter found frustrating was that they never had any alone time. The children 9, 11 and 14 were with them all day and in the evenings his wife Susan went out. She saw his trips back home as an opportunity to put herself first, to see friends and do activities she couldn't normally do being a full time mum. Peter was hurt she wouldn't move out to be with him and hurt she went out when he came home, but didn't say anything because he didn't want to argue in the little time they had together. All relationships need some "together alone time" otherwise important needs such as affection and intimacy will not be met.

The reason I mention not to isolate is because some couples do the reverse and lock themselves in together and this can cause problems too. When Yusuf got a new job in Saudi Arabia, he flew home every 2 weeks. As husband and wife they felt that they ought to spend the 48 hours they had only with each other. This caused frustration for them both, as they turned down friends and things they used to enjoy. Boredom became a real issue, as they just stayed in together every weekend. Yusuf called me because he was concerned his frustration and boredom meant he had fallen out of love. After our chat he spoke to his wife and they started doing different activities, since then they have more appreciation for their alone time and their bond has become stronger.

4. Be as open and honest as possible

Whilst apart keep the relationship alive by being open and honest about everything you are thinking, feeling and doing. Sharing your daily schedule, thoughts, plans builds trust. Trust is key for a long distance relationship. Without it, you may wonder what the other person is doing while you are not there or even doubt there fidelity to you. If you leave out information the quality time that you spend together on the end of a telephone line can quickly end up in mind games, destroying the small amount of time you do get to be close together. You do not have the luxury that "normal" couples have to make up, so making the most of this quality time should be top of your agenda. If the wonders do start creeping up on you, remember that your relationship is built on trust, love and respect.

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5. Agree regular communication

Jealousy can also come without regular communication. We've all been there... they don't phone when they say they will and straight away your mind starts wandering... are they with someone else or can they not be bothered to speak to me, etc.? In order to avoid this, agree that you will phone, message, or email at least once a day. If you want this relationship to work, you need to feel like you are in a "regular" marriage and relationship, one where if you want to offload your troubles/share your news for the day, you know that he/she is there for you. If jealousy is an issue contact me I have a simple 2 session program that helps shift your mindset.

6. Use a webcam or Skype whenever possible

Whilst this cannot compensate for actually being with someone, it's a great way to keep in touch whilst you're apart. The fact that you can see each other and are giving each other undivided attention is important. It is all too easy to be on the phone, whilst engaging in other activities such as watching TV, reading your emails / social media updates, driving, shopping, cooking etc. I have to admit, I am guilty of this one myself as I am always trying to do 3 things at once. But you can tell when someone is not fully listening and their attention is elsewhere. It is hurtful and frustrating for the person talking and can destroy communication. Good communication is the key to strengthen and keep your relationship a light whilst apart.

7. Turn the away time into a positive

Don't spend every night you're not together wishing time away. Make the most of your independence (whilst still having a relationship) by learning a new skill, developing your career or business idea, socializing with friends, going to the gym or simply pampering yourself.

8. Ensure you have a common goal

This is probably the most important one of all. If you are apart you need to have a reason and common purpose /goal for the future. A plan that you both value and are working together towards. For example you are living apart, so that you can have enough money to; put your children through private school, have a great retirement, get out of debt, look after family, buy your dream home, finish education, develop your career. Without a shared purpose or goal for the future, it is harder to keep the relationship alive.

Concluding thoughts

Like any relationship, long distance relationships before, and in marriage require effort for them to succeed. Communication, trust, and honesty will strengthen your relationship whilst you're apart. Working towards a common goal and ensuring you have time for just the two of you is also crucial. Love is never easy and should never be taken for granted as enough to make a relationship work. Whilst long distance relationships and marriages can be difficult, they can work and do work for many couples if both parties put in the effort.

I would love for you to share your tips to help more people post them below or send them to me anonymously to me and I will post them.

Hope this is of value to you or someone you know, from my heart to yours

Pay Close Attention Here-

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No one can deny the benefit of preventive medicine. First of all, it's often easier to prevent an illness than it is to cure it--that's why you go in for your annual physical (or why you should). And we all can agree that feeling healthy is preferable to feeling sick. So looking out for potential illnesses before they take over your life is the reasoning behind the medical check-up.

But when was your last relationship check-up?

Everyone needs a Relationship Check-up...

Unfortunately, couples and couples counselors have not adopted the philosophy of the regular physical for relationships. Most often, the approach is to wait for problems to arise, persist, and then to seek help. To compound the problem, most marriage counseling is focused exclusively on the presenting complaint--this problem-centered focus often obscures any resilient aspects of a relationship that already exist, ones that might be used in a healthy way. This sends the message that couples should only seek counseling or give their relationship close attention when a crisis arises. Couples counseling is seen as a last resort, an act of desperation.

Shouldn't there be an alternative to this approach?

The typical journey to marriage counseling:

Meet Joanna and Bernie-the "every" couple.

Like many modern-day couples who try to juggle numerous commitments and responsibilities, Joanna and Bernie have their share of stress. And this stress has taken a toll on them. Over time, their relationship has suffered.

Depending on circumstances, relationship problems surfaced but then seemed to disappear...only to resurface at some later point. As time passed, this pattern intensified and became more frequent, often with no resolution. The vitality and life that was once a part of their relationship started to give way to hurt feelings, then withdrawal and finally indifference. As their marriage became more painful, Joanna and Bernie started to channel their energies elsewhere: Work-related activities, parenting and/or time spent with family and friends supplanted the time that was once spent enjoying each other.

As unresolved issues continued to fester, the familiar relationship that once offered comfort and meaning was nowhere to be found. Beleaguered and hopeless, it became painfully obvious to Joanna and Bernie that marriage counseling was needed if they wanted to head off a divorce.

What if your spouse don't love you anymore? Here's how to get them addicted to you like when you fell in love for the first time

Couples often endure an agonizing existence for years before seeking help-and like a slowly developing medical problem, the more time that elapses before seeking treatment, the poorer the prognosis.

But what if Joanna and Bernie had been going for an annual relationship check-up?

Isn't it possible that their marriage problems could have been identified early on and Joanna and Bernie been given the tools needed to tackle these issues?

Unfortunately, few options exist for couples who want to evaluate the overall health of their relationship before problems crop up.

When is a problem a "real" problem?

There is a level of decisiveness when someone is dealing with a physical aliment: if you develop a pounding headache that won't go away, you call your doctor; when you injure your back to the point where you can hardly move, you see a specialist immediately.

This level of decisiveness is lacking when it comes to relationship aliments.

Some couples quarrel often and still have strong relationships; however, conflict can signal the start of significant trouble for others. Some couples make love infrequently but still feel fulfilled and connected with each other, while for other couples, a lack of physical intimacy is a sign that help is needed. In other words, a problem for one couple isn't necessarily a problem for another.

Would you call a counselor for a relationship check-up if you faced any of the following?

~Lately your marriage seems less fulfilling;
~You start wondering if this is all that love has to offer;
~Over the last few months, you and your husband have been arguing more frequently;
~You've noticed that your wife has been withdrawing from you and avoiding intimacy;
~When you have the choice, you prefer spending time with friends rather than with your partner;
~You find that you have no desire to make love to your husband.

If you answered "no" to the above question (whether or not you'd call a professional if you faced any of the aforementioned issues), you're not alone. And quite frankly, your marriage or relationship might be fine in spite of any one of the above concerns. But then again, one of these observations might also signal that your relationship needs some attention. This is why ongoing attention is so vital for the health of your relationship.

What a Relationship Check-up Can Do for You:

A relationship check-up should focus on all aspects of your relationship-highlighting what is working well, each person's unique strengths, how these strengths can best be utilized in the relationship, as well as any areas that might need attention so problems can be prevented. Couples can leave a relationship check-up invigorated and with a plan of action that will help them keep their marriage or relationship moving in the right direction.

Next, click here now to find out why your spouse is lying to you about the reasons they want a divorce. Follow the information step by step and you will discover the truth, cut through the lies and pain, stop divorce dead in its tracks, and rebuild the strong, intimate marriage you've always wanted... even if your spouse doesn't want to!

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Did your spouse ever tell you that?

I LOVE You BUT I'm Not IN LOVE With YOU!

OR is that how you think you feel towards them?

It's a confusing statement for sure, that's why I always address it in couple therapy.

The good thing about it is the "I Love You" means care

And care is necessary for a healthy happy marriage.

So what about the - Not "In Love"

The majority of us falsely pick up from love stories in tabloids, TV series, celebrity news and movies that once that happens that's it.

We are taught that Love is something you find and then that's it The END

That is just NOT TRUE!

Love is a ACTION, it's not a feeling you get from another person, it's an experience you receive as a result of taking loving acts for your spouse.

When people say to me they don't feel love or "in love" in couple therapy I ask them what actions - have they taken to demonstrate their love for their spouse and often they can't answer.

They often don't feel "in Love" because they're not doing anything... waiting for Love to come to motivate them and stuck in a trap.

You Make LOVE in the marriage, you build it through acts that show love

The trick is to give the LOVE and take the ACTIONs your spouse needs and wants.

The problem is we often go about satisfying our partners needs with what we want to receive and when we do that we DENY our partner what they most want.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

It's not rocket science or tricky to do this.

It's so important that in couples therapy when Men and Women join to save their Marriage

it's the core piece to kick start a marriage transformation

If you think about it, there is absolutely nothing in life that is worth having that does not require an effort to both achieve and then maintain.

Things in life either grow or they die

It's the law of nature

Relationships are no different they have to grow or they also die.

They need to be nurtured, paid attention to, cared for, tended to.

So as I explain in couple therapy if you want to fall back "in love" or stay "in love", it's important to make acts of love part of your daily routine.

The more you do the better
as more "in love" you will experience and feel
and the more your lover is likely to reciprocate, especially if you meet their exact needs.

Everyone's needs are different, it's crucial to know what you and your spouse want:

whether it's more excitement, variety, affection, attention, appreciation, fun it's possible to create.

If you partner has said they are not "in love" with you

OR

You're scared you have fallen out of love or are falling out of love with your partner

ACT

ACT now - don't wait for your spouse.

You can make a Huge Shift in your marriage

In fact there are plenty of women and men who my programs to save their marriage single-handedly and are successful. Individuals who wanted something better for themselves, their life and family... they didn't want or need to drag their partner along to couple therapy if they weren't enthusiastic instead they were able to bring about a transformation through their actions.

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In a society where 50% of marriages end in divorce, you might be inclined to feel like you are in a constant battle to save your own marriage. If you have reason to believe your spouse doesn't love you anymore, you may be wondering "how can I save my marriage when everything looks hopeless?" Remain calm, stay positive and take this article seriously. It might be the most important thing you ever read!

If your spouse has told you that he or she doesn't love you any more there is a very good chance that it's a reaction to unhappiness in the marriage. When the two of you got married, it was because you had created an environment together that you both enjoyed being in. Something in that environment has changed for your spouse and maybe for you as well. This results in unhappiness and can also be confused with no longer being in love.

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

Married couples today are not helped by the fact that traditional marriage counseling only has about a 20% success rate. No wonder the divorce rate is so high! Many of these marital "experts", despite their lofty credentials and very best intentions, actually know very little about saving a marriage that is in crisis. That's because most of their real training focuses on individual counseling and many of them end up working from a faulty model of marital counseling.

So just how do you save your marriage when your spouse has said he or she doesn't love you and everything looks hopeless? First, you will need to avoid the very common mistakes that so many people make during times like this that can doom your chances to save your marriage. Second, you will need a proven action plan which will take you step by step through the process of saving your marriage. You will learn what to do, what to say and how to behave. Amazingly enough, it works even without any initial participation by your spouse!

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

Author's Bio: 

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There are specific techniques that will show you exactly what to do and what to say to get your spouse back in your arms- Especially if you are the only one trying... Visit Save The Marriage to find out more.

Looking for love and romance can be challenging. Discuss your marriage problems on our forum. We can help you find a great loving relationship! Go to: Marriage Forum