Living With An Angry Husband: My Husband Blames Me For His Anger Outbursts

Here's the good news. Most of the negative emotions in your relationship are not due to your partner's personality, selfishness, ill-will, bad choices, or poor communication skills. They come from your reactions to emotional pollution.

That's why most of the advice you get from self-help books about expressing your feelings and talking things through with your partner don't often help and sometimes make things worse. Chances are whatever you are talking about is not the true source of the negative emotion that hurts you.

Here's a way to test this assertion for yourself. Think of the last three times you've experienced negative emotions that you blamed on your partner. List them in order and then write down the answers to the following questions for each incident you list.

1. What were you doing or experiencing immediately before that negative emotion?

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2. How did you feel when you woke up on the morning of the incident you described?

3. Did any other negative events happen that day, before the incident you described?

4. Had you been feeling connected to your partner before the event that triggered the negative emotion?

5. What was your partner doing/experiencing immediately before your negative emotion?

6. How did he/she feel first thing in the morning?

7. Did any other negative events happen on that day, before the incident you described?

8. Had your partner been feeling connected to you before the event that triggered the negative emotion?

We asked these questions of over 400 couples. More than 70% reported that that the negative emotion attributed to the spouse was preceded by a string of negative events. Almost in no case did the couple feel connected before the negative incident described. Of course, no couple is likely to connect by blaming negative emotions on each other. Couples should not see the negative effects of emotional pollution as one party doing it to the other. Rather, it is something happening to both of you. Self-compassion coupled with compassion for your partner will bring you together. Together, you can detoxify.

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Here are the Ten Principles for a successful marriage. A summary of each will follow:

1. Unless God is allowed to be the Chief Architect of my marriage, I can't get the marriage I want. (Psalms 127:1, 128:1-6)

2. Communication is the medium through which all love, growth, and grace must flow. (Prov 18:4, 21)

3. Unhealed emotional injuries will always be the most hazardous obstructions in my marriage. (2 Cor 2:6-7, Mat 5:23-24, Prov 4:23)

4. There can't be any place, physical, mental, or emotional that my spouse is not allowed to go with me. (Gen 2:24, Eph 5:31, Mark 10:8)

5. Deepening my love for my spouse is dependent upon increasing my knowledge of, and walk with, God. (1 John 4:8)

6. Resolution and reconciliation is more important than who is at fault or who is to blame. (Mat 5:23-24, Mat 18:21-22)

7. Strengthening shared values is more essential to my marriage bond than engaging in shared interests. (Amos 3:3, 2 Cor 6:14)

8. It is more important to earn my spouse's trust than to get my own way. (Prov 28:20, Prov 25:19)

9. To whatever degree insecurity exists in my marriage to that same extent my marriage has become vulnerable. (Luke 22:31-34, Heb 6:18-19)

10. Submission and love go hand in hand, and neither can exist in my marriage without the other. (John 15:13, Eph 5:21-33)

Here is a brief explanation of each principle:

Unless God is allowed to be the Chief Architect of my marriage, I can't get the marriage I want. (Psalms 127:1, 128:1-6)

No one ever planned to have a lousy marriage. They have great dreams of happiness and marital bliss. They just don't have any plans. Or they aren't following the plans. Or they are changing the plans. God knows what He is doing and He has given us a complete set of architectural plans for building a good marriage. These plans are intuitive for your specific and unique marriage. They are indeed drawn up to provide you with what you want while staying within the codes and regulations.

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Communication is the medium through which all love, growth, and grace must flow. (Prov 18:4, 21)

Communication is the bedrock for any relationship. It does little good to love someone but be incapable of expressing that love. Without good communication, a marriage cannot function properly. There are many types of communication. Body language, symbols, words, music, and even tears are all forms of communication. But without it, there can be no growth.

Unhealed emotional injuries will always be the most hazardous obstructions in my marriage. (2 Cor 2:6-7, Mat 5:23-24, Prov 4:23)

When a person is emotionally traumatized, they usually stop their emotional growth at that moment. As a result, we have adults getting married who emotionally are still children, or senior citizens who still have an emotional immaturity of a young couple. These emotional injuries are the greatest danger to a marriage. They prevent growth. They stop couples from achieving their dreams. They short-circuit a couple's happiness. Giving them all the knowledge in the world is not going to fix such a marriage. Only healing will fix it.

There can't be any place, physical, mental, or emotional that my spouse is not allowed to go with me. (Gen 2:24, Eph 5:31, Mark 10:8)

When distances - physical, mental, or emotional - between a married couple are enforced, it only creates greater distance. When a man tells his wife that she cannot be part of an area of his life, he pushes her away in other areas. This is very destructive. Sometimes, a man or a woman will have a fantasy realm tucked away in their imagination. His wife, or her husband, is not allowed to go there. This creates even more distance. When a woman is addicted to romance novels or even romance movies, she will begin to compare her husband to the men she is observing or reading about. This is not good. It is an area her husband is not allowed to go and it creates more distance.

Deepening my love for my spouse is dependent upon increasing my knowledge of, and walk with, God. (1 John 4:8)

The relationship with God - not necessarily a duty for God - will always deepen other relationships. As our understanding of God expands, our ability to love is also deepened. God is the embodiment of qualities we cherish, such as love, peace, kindness, gentleness, mercy, forgiveness, and so forth. To get to know God, therefore, is to begin to understand these qualities in ways that will always have a positive effect on every other relationship - including, and especially, marriage.

Resolution and reconciliation is more important than who is at fault or who is to blame. (Mat 5:23-24, Mat 18:21-22)

Too often couples fight to accuse, blame, and otherwise point fingers. This is never conducive to good relationship building. It is highly destructive and nothing constructive can come out of such bickering. Until a couple can put aside the blame and fault, they will never find resolution or true reconciliation. Blaming the other person may provide a temporary sense of relief or justification, but it won't fix anything. There must be more concern for solutions than who created the problem.

Strengthening shared values is more essential to my marriage bond than engaging in shared interests. (Amos 3:3, 2 Cor 6:14)

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Doing things together is important. There is nothing wrong with that! But values are a much more powerful bond than sharing interests. Having things in common may have initially drawn two people together, but sharing similar values, morals, and principles will keep a couple together. Strengthening these bonds is essential. They help provide the vision and purpose of a relationship. Without the shared values, there is no meaning to the marriage. Two people getting married because they like to do things together should not be the sole reason - might as well join a club. But when two people have the same morals, they find a mission, a purpose that gives their marriage meaning.

It is more important to earn my spouse's trust than to get my own way. (Prov 28:20, Prov 25:19)

Trust is a large factor in providing security. But too often immaturity intrudes and a couple finds their marriage inconvenient. Marriage requires responsibility. Responsibility requires accountability. Accountability requires maturity. It is imperative that a couple keep each other's trust. Earning someone's trust takes effort, time, and commitment. There is no other way to gain someone's complete trust. In marriage, this trust ought to be much more important than getting your way.

To whatever degree insecurity exists in my marriage to that same extent my marriage has become vulnerable. (Luke 22:31-34, Heb 6:18-19)

When either the husband or the wife is insecure, the marriage becomes vulnerable to Satan, outside influences, stress, and pressure. A couple who is secure in their marriage can defend any attack, resist any influence, and handle any stress or pressure. Too often we strip our spouse of his or her security. Sometimes this is done in innocence, sometimes in anger, sometimes intentionally. Either way, no one will be happy. An insecure wife will become controlling and dominating. An insecure husband will become reclusive, withdrawn, and angry. Anything could cause that volcano to blow.

Submission and love go hand in hand, and neither can exist in my marriage without the other. (John 15:13, Eph 5:21-33)

Our society has rejected it, but submission and love are right and proper in marriage. When both the husband and the wife mix submission and love for each other there is stability and strength in the marriage. The husband is head of the home, the Bible teaches, and the wife is supposed to submit. Yet the husband is to love the wife. And what few people understand is that love is always an act of submission. So the Bible command is twofold. A couple is supposed to submit to each other because submission is one of the greatest acts of love possible. The Bible commands us to submit to God to demonstrate our love (John 15:15), and Jesus submitted Himself to the cross as an act of love (Philp 2:8, John 3:16). Both the husband and the wife are to do the same for each other. The two cannot exist apart.

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There is nothing as hurting as your partner having an affair with someone else. If this happens one is devastated, which is why many will try all the possible ways to change the way the things are. You can blame both your partner and yourself as you wonder where you failed. An affair can easily break your marriage. If you want to know how to fix a troubled marriage, you should avoid these two things.

• Never ever ask a lot of questions

After discovering that your wife or husband has been having an affair behind your back, the best thing to do is to keep it to yourself. The fact is he had an emotional affair, and that is enough to answer your all questions. If you go ahead asking questions about what happened, there are details that will forever haunt you and you will wish you had never known them in the first place.

However hurting the situation might be the important thing to do when looking for how to fix a troubled marriage is to avoid the sordid details. As much as we think we will be satisfied by our partner's confession, it will just worsen things because every detail you are going to hear will forever remain in your mind. Whatever you will be doing or whatever he will do will remind you of what he did, and this will reduce the trust you have in him, thus worsening your relationship.

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• Avoid being too curious

If you would like to save your marriage then you should stop snooping around, as this will bring more problems than solutions in your marriage. Remember that what you do not know will never hurt you. With the little knowledge about the affair, stop at that. Trying to turn every stone in an effort to prove that your partner cheated will only leave you more devastated. What you need to do instead of being curious on everything he does is to concentrate on how to fix a trouble marriage. Focus on measures that will help to restore the lost trust and reawaken the love you used to feel.

What has happened should be put in the past and you should do all you can to make your partner trust you in order to fix his mistakes. You should never judge your partner based on the past mistakes. Learn to trust your partner once more however deep he/she hurt you with the affair. When he notices that you still trust him even after an affair, your marriage problems will start ending bit by bit and you will restore the happiness you had during the early days of your marriage.

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EXTRASENSORY perception (ESP), I have learned the hard way, more times than I care to admit, is not a gift married couples receive when they wed.

One of the first times I discovered this was when I tripped over a beanbag on a loungeroom floor and accused my then-wife of having either put it there or of not removing it. Little did I realise she had no idea that I would even attempt to walk over it! How could she not see this?... that was over twenty-five years ago.

Then only recently, in helping load the car with shopping, I shinned the tow bar on the car. Writhing in pain I was so tempted to sound off at my wife for having put the trolley so close to it. Of course, she had no idea that I'd approach the task from that side. But shouldn't she have read my mind? As I surveyed the day, this was the third of such events where I caught myself seriously wondering why her ESP was not only failing, but non-existent! Why was she deliberately trying to harm me like this?

ESP is like a sixth sense that would be really helpful in marriage where communication failures occur multiple times daily.

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The fact is living with another person makes for efficiencies at times that can lead us to think we're advantaged. Those very same dynamics conspire against us, however, when one or both assume something of the other, that something was communicated and wasn't, or where expectations are just plain unrealistic.

It happens. In the common marriage it happens a lot. And it's the straw that breaks the camel's back.

When we rediscover the folly in expecting our marriage partner to exercise ESP, we begin to own our own errors, and instead of seeking an apology, we begin to seek their forgiveness.

Marital success is due mostly to the nurtured ability to practice the overlooking of offenses.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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