If one wanted to go on holiday somewhere and they had to save a certain amount of money in order to go, it would be important for them to keep their spending down until they have saved the amount they need. It could be said that this is common sense, and while there is no denying this, it doesn’t mean that this is something that always takes place.

When this is something that takes place, it is likely to be only a matter of time before they are able to go away. But if it takes longer than they expect it could be because they need to pay for other things during this time, or it may be a sign that the holiday ends up costing more than it did before.

Delaying Gratification

Now, this is not to say that won’t they have moments where parts of them will want to spend their money on other things; what it means is that they will generally be able to rise above it. Their priority will be to save money and this will be what stops them from wasting their money on the things they don’t need.

Another way of looking at this would be to say that they have the ability to delay gratification and this will make it easier for them to tolerate frustration. It could also be said that they know how to be patient in life.

It Matters

One way of looking at this would be to say that the reason why they are able to delay gratification and to tolerate the conflict within them is because they are working towards something that matters. And that if this wasn’t the case, it would be a lot harder for them to keep going.

However, there are going to be others who want to achieve something and even though they have the ability to delay gratification, for instance, it still might not be possible for them to achieve it. In this case, the conflict within them could be so strong that they are unable to move forward in life.

Inner Conflict

It could be said that it is normal for one to have moments in their life where parts of them want different things. And this is because even though there is only one of them, there are a number of different aspects within them.

While there is their adult self, there is also their child self, as well as the parental figures that live within them. So through having these different aspects, it is to be expected that one will have moments where they will experience inner conflict.

Inner Dialogue

And when they experience this conflict, it will be important for them to listen to each part of themselves. This is then similar to how a loving parent would talk to their children, and through acknowledging each part; it will be a lot easier for them to function.

In this sense, the adult part of them will be the part that makes sure everything is running smoothly as opposed to being enslaved to another part of them. When it is possible for one to experience life in this way, they may have been this way for most of their life, or it could be a fairly recent occurrence.


So when one can generally regulate their own system, it can be a sign that their early years were a time where their needs were met, and this means that they would have received the right kind of nurturing. Along with this, they may also have taken the time to develop themselves in their adult years.

At the same time, this may have been an ability that they developed during their adult years, and this could mean that their childhood was less-than nurturing. Their adult years may then have been a time where they had to deal with trauma, process an emotional build-up and develop a new inner voice, among other things.

Inner Strength

Through doing this, it would have caused them to develop inner strength and it would then have allowed them to experience self-control, among other things. This could have been something that took a few years or it could have taken even longer.

But regardless of how long it took for them to achieve it, it will be seen as something that was worth the effort. When one hasn’t got the ability to regulate their system, it can be a lot harder for them to achieve something.


One could then be in a position where a part of them stops them from taking action and it might not matter how much they want to achieve something. It could then be normal for one to feel as though they have no control over their life.

If they were to take a closer look at the part of them that is causing them to experience conflict and therefore to sabotage their life, they may find out that they feel worthless. Through feeling this way, it is going to be a sign that they are carrying toxic shame.


One may want to be in a loving relationship or to have fulfilling career, but while this is what they want, they are also not going to feel as though they deserve it. They could be in a dysfunctional relationship and while they want to leave, they will also feel as though they don’t deserve to experience life differently.

They may find that other people don’t notice them and although they want to change this, they may also fear that other people would realise how flawed they are if they were to see them. So while one can have the need to do something, all the time they are carrying toxic shame it is unlikely to happen.

The Cause

When one is carrying toxic shame, it could mean that their childhood was a time where they were abused and/or neglected. At the same time, this may also be something that occurred through what has taken place in their adult life.


Either way, it will be important for one to reach out for support here, and this could be from a therapist and/or a support group. During this time, one may need to grieve their unmet childhood needs, discharge the shame that is within them and receive the positive regard that they didn’t receive all those years ago.

Author's Bio: 

Prolific writer, author and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over eight hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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