* If you’ve had an affair, are regretful and desperate to save your marriage, don't let another mistake-ridden day go by without reading these tips.
* If you are the betrayed spouse and your cheating partner is unintentionally hurting you in his/her attempts to make you feel better, put this article in their hands.
Most unfaithful partners underestimate the damage and fallout caused by their infidelity. Many claim they’d never even thought of the consequences and often panic when faced with losing what they have. This panic often leads them into making further mistakes in attempts to help their injured mate.
Having studied and worked with many couples going through this dilemma, I am now sharing - ‘The Secret of a Helpful Apology’ which is part of my - ‘ ‘How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair’ program. This is just the first step in one of many programs I run. For more details visit : -

www.purepeacecoaching.com and click on the ‘Infidelity’ tab for details.
What is an Affair ?

An affair is a sexual relationship, romantic friendship or passionate attachment between two people outside their marriage and without the knowledge of their spouse.

The secret of a Helpful Apology After - Cheating Husband Or Cheating Wife Advice

Show Empathy and Make a Heartfelt Apology

Successful repairers know that half-hearted apologies prolong and even defeat the healing process. Whereas, sincere apologies and demonstrating genuine empathy speed up this process. You may think apologizing is an obviously simple step. But what many fail to recognize is that unless your other half is aware that you fully understand the extent of their pain, healing is impossible. Expressing genuine empathy gives the injured partner peace of mind in that you realize and recognize the devastation and hurt caused by your actions. Getting a helpful apology right is crucial. This is why it is the first part of my program.

Examples of Unhelpful Apologies : -

“ I’m sorry if I’ve upset you / caused you pain.”

In this statement, ‘if ‘ causes offence. It’s obvious that you have caused pain. The use of ‘if ‘ could lead to a reaction such as : -
“ What do you mean ‘if ‘ ? ”
“ Is there any doubt that I am suffering ? ”
“ Do you think I am making this up ? ”

“I’m sorry for your hurt.”

Here, ‘Your’ puts the onus on your partner to heal the relationship. It can lead the injured spouse to think : - “ Is my pain for me to deal with alone ? ”
“You had the affair and now it’s up to me to make things good between us as well as heal myself ? ”
Saying the above will leave them more upset and annoyed as you haven’t yet acknowledged the damage you’ve caused to the relationship and their future.

"Sorry for whatever damage I’ve done."

‘Whatever’ is never a good idea. Your significant other needs acknowledgement from you as to the exact pain he/she is going through.
Rather than offering empty apologies, those successful in repairing the damage show concern in engaging ways. They exhibit obvious signs that they are truly sorry and empathize with the sufferer’s pain.

Here are Some Helpful Apologies: -

“I feel terrible for how badly I’ve hurt you.

“I deeply regret the pain I’ve caused you.”

“I will do whatever it takes to make this up to you.”

“That must have felt awful.”

“I cannot imagine the pain you feel. I’m so sorry.”

“I love you and promise never to betray you again.”

2. Express Yourself But Don’t Wallow in Guilt and Self-pity

When making an apology, you must ensure that you are more sorry for your partner’s pain than your own guilt. I frequently see people mess up in this area. They allow their own shame, defensiveness, regret and/or self-pity get in the way of the healing process.
Don’t fall into the trap of becoming so wrapped up in your own self-recrimination that you fail to help your spouse with their pain. They need to know that you are sorry for the heartache you’ve caused them, not that you are sorry for how guilty you feel or for the shame you have brought to yourself or the family. It’s good to show you feel remorse but be careful not to dwell on it and make it about you.

Do NOT Repeat Statements such as : -

“ I’m terrible . You shouldn’t be with me.”

” I’m such a bad person.”

“ I hate myself. I’m such a failure.”

“ I feel so guilty. I can’t eat or sleep and I’m in so much pain for hurting you.”

“You’re better off without me and the shame I’ve caused.”

“ I’ll never live this down.”
In saying the above, you are making it about you and this will not help repair the relationship. Be sure to focus on their needs.
If you are having a hard time forgiving yourself, are full of self-regret and resentment and this is causing you problems, consider self-forgiveness coaching separately from this program. Recognize that your self-punishment will never help your spouse.
Contact me if you find yourself in this position.
Hug Them When They Cry

It’s difficult to listen to your other half when they are suffering, but they need you to witness their pain and be there for them. Hold them when they cry and let them know you fully appreciate how much they are hurting.

Many injured spouses complain that they felt further rejection when their partner couldn’t face them, wouldn’t hug them or didn’t want to hear about their pain.

4. Accept F U L L Responsibility For Your Actions

Successful repairers acknowledge that no one made them behave as they did and recognize that nothing can ever justify inappropriate intimate emotional or physical contact outside their marriage. This means no excuses or shifting blame onto the faithful partner.
Unfaithful spouses often give themselves permission to engage in an affair. They either feel self-pity for their pre-affair situation or state that their partner’s imperfect or unsatisfactory behavior makes their cheating behavior acceptable. Part of taking responsibility is by getting counseling, coaching or by joining a support group in order to help address the underlying issues beneath these self-rationalizations.
For some in my program, that involves helping them to open up and to be more honest in their relationship about needs not being met and then having marriage coaching to address these problems.
For others, it can be dealing with past issues, possibly in their childhood or other relationships they’ve had that may have triggered their own rationalizations for the affair.
There are also those I assist in breaking addictive behavior.
Occasionally it involves getting needs met in different ways. If a person feels thrill and excitement is missing from their lives, we need to find ways of generating other avenues in which to channel those desires. If they miss emotional connection and good conversation, we must look at either building that into their marriage, or shifting that focus to a relationship either within their family, or a same sex friendship outside the family, in order to fulfil that need.

The focus of the adulterer should be on apologizing without passing blame and also seeking further support in addressing the thought patterns used to convince themself that adultery is acceptable.

It all makes sense when you think about it, doesn’t it? How can your other half possibly trust you again if you say something or someone outside your marriage led you to commit adultery? Successful repairers accept sole responsibility for straying and seek help to assist change.
There are Other Ways in Which You Can –

Cut off all contact with the person with whom you had the affair.

Provide complete access to your mobile, all social media and phone accounts.

Take action daily to rebuild trust.

Work on reconnecting and loving your partner in the way they want to be loved.

Give them the extra support they need to get through this.

Provide as much information as they need and always be patient.

Let them know exactly where you are at all times and how they can reach you.

Demonstrate how you’ve changed and how committed you are to making this relationship work.

Recognize and support them through any difficult triggers or flashbacks.

Believe it or not, I’ve heard many couples say that the affair was the best thing that happened to them and their relationship. Whenever a couple come to me for support, my main aim is to get them to that happier place as quickly as possible. In order to create more love, passion, fun and respect in a marriage : -


I sincerely hope you found this article useful. I'd love to hear your thoughts or comments below
From my heart to yours,

Nicola Beer
Marriage Transformation Specialist and Founder of Save My Marriage Program
I specialize in a proven 10 step program to help couples increase the love, passion and happiness in their marriage in 30 days or less…Guaranteed!
P.S Unsure if Your Marriage Can Be Saved? Get the FREE Quiz - Can My Marriage Be Saved? To find out, it addresses 30 marriage problems and looks at whether it's possible to save your marriage and what actions to take if you can. Take the QUIZ now www.savemymarriageprogram.com/quiz

PP.S OR If your marriage is in serious trouble and you need help now - Book Your FREE Save My Marriage Consultation TODAY www.savemymarriageprogram.com/consult

Author's Bio: 

Nicola Beer is an International Relationship & Divorce Coach who helps her clients find peace and create a new beginning after Marriage Breakdown and Divorce. This includes helping couples on the verge of a breakup to resolve their relationship issues once and for all, so that they can revive the love, passion, respect, and fun that's been missing.

As well as helping clients during and after Divorce to manage stress, create more income and adjust to new financial realities, redefine who they are, create a new social life, and when they are ready attract someone great. Nicola also runs 2 parenting programs that support children through and after divorce

Nicola has combined 11 years' experience helping people with emotional issues. This comprises 7 years private coaching and 4 years as a volunteer for the Samaritans where she supported callers dealing with any emotional distress. She is UK certified in Coaching, Grief Recovery for Adults and Children, NLP, Time Line Therapy, Hypnosis.

Nicola's passion to support people before, during and after divorce comes from her own childhood, where due to the stress of divorce her mother suffered a mental breakdown. As 1 of 5 children the divorce was devastating for her family and affected each of her family in different ways. More recently Nicola's older sister with 4 children is going through a difficult divorce. Having experienced and seen the pain and stress associated with divorce Nicola is focused on proving solutions. She knows divorce doesn't have to mean disaster and takes her clients and their children from surviving to thriving. She is equally passionate about saving marriages, so has a program to overcome relationship problems.

Nicola works with expats and locals, Muslims and Non-Muslims from all over the world, mainly from Dubai, London, India, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, either in person for a 2 day intensive package or further afield US, Australia via video conference and phone.