I Want To Stop Cheating On My Spouse: Why Do I Cheat On My Husband / Wife When I Love Him / Her

The prevalent hedonistic culture in the world today, convinces people that the pursuit of personal pleasure outstrips all other considerations. Fidelity in marriage has become a casualty. Marriage which was considered the building block of society and bound two people together in a physical, mental and emotional oneness, is now merely a minority concept.

A good marriage doesn't happen automatically. It involves commitment, acceptance, and mutual respect bonded together with love. Spouses set themselves apart from all others, and give themselves exclusively to each other. A good marriage is based on the "reciprocity principle." Partners, who have pledged to love each other 'till death do us part,' must work at it actively and continuously. There is no casual leave or vacation written into the contract.

What do we mean by Fidelity? It is the quality of reliability and trustworthiness to one's partner.
"To be faithful is not a favour you bestow on your spouse. It is a privilege to bless yourself with, says Michael Cohon.

The world is in the grip of a sexual revolution. Sex, sexual exploits, sexual prowess are recurring themes that bombard us through both the print and electronic media. Personal pleasure and self fulfillment are characteristics of the New Morality. Infidelity is glamorized.

"Do what you want to," is the slogan of Individualism.
A recent study done in the US, shows that 30% of women and 40% of men have been unfaithful to their spouses at some point in their marriage.

The weakening of religious and social restraints, the easy availability of sex, permissive legislation have all contributed to the rise in infidelity.

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Temptation is a gradual process, which first begins in the mind. Suggestive articles, movies, books or magazines initiate lustful thoughts. Thoughts turn to desire and desire to action. Even a one-night stand doesn't happen suddenly. It is preceded by unworthy thoughts.
"An affair may be an indication of marriage malfunctioning," says Linda Wolfe.

There are three main reasons for malfunction. The first is Emotional Immaturity. In a stable marriage, spouses honour and validate who the other person is. When one partner is selfish and self centred, and unwilling to make a total commitment, the marriage becomes unstable. Someone who has lived a very pampered life, doted on by parents, and used to having his own way, never really grows up. He is incapable of giving or receiving love or trusting others. Such a person may flit from one affair to another. The "Paris Hiltons" of this world are examples of such emotional immaturity.

James Goldsmith (Jemima's father) was also one such, who had countless affairs. Even after marriage to Lady Annabel his third wife, he did indulge in an extramarital affair.
"When you marry your mistress you automatically create a job vacancy," he said.

Many young people enter marriage with all kinds of expectations. They believe that marriage will meet all their needs, and is one long state of love and romance. They anticipate no quarrels or disagreements; that sexual pleasure is an indication of the stability of marriage; or that children will create an inseparable bond between parents. But when they realise that the practical realities of every-day living are quite daunting, they look elsewhere for the fulfillment of their needs.

Unmet needs bring about frustration and disillusionment. When couples don't enjoy each other's company, don't like doing things together, or going out by themselves, boredom sets in and life gets stuck in a rut of ordinariness. Lack of communication or mental stimulation leads to emotional dissatisfaction. A woman feels let down when she receives no emotional support from her husband. He never compliments her on her looks or attire, and does not thank her for the food she has prepared. This may spill over into the bed room. Sex is not merely physical. There is psychological and emotional involvement too. When her needs are not met, sex becomes an unpleasant chore.

Husbands too can be put off by nagging wives, or 'clinging vine' types who lack initiative.

The basic needs of every human being are Affection and Appreciation. It can be conveyed through a glance, a word, a smile or a kiss

Acceptance of the spouse as a person is important. Many problems arise when one partner tries to change the other, and squeeze him /her into a mould of one's choice. Even in marriage it is important to maintain one's own identity and values.

"When a man and a woman are able to respect and accept their differences, then love has a chance to blossom," says John Gray.

Husbands and wives should also be each other's best critics. Tactful and loving criticisms done in a non-judgemental way are sure to strengthen relationships.

Admiration is a big ego booster. Appreciating the virtues, achievement and capabilities of the partner in his role as husband or father, his patience, his courage and dependability, makes a man want to do better.

"I can live for two months on a good compliment," said Mark Twain.

Similarly a woman's self confidence depends to a certain extent on her husband's estimate of her. She needs to be nourished and cherished with praise and appreciation.

Sexual appetite they say is second only to hunger. J. Robert Whitehurst wrote in the Journal of Sexual Behaviour that "All men from the first day of marriage think about the possibility (of extramarital encounters)...........Although these tendencies diminish in later middle life and beyond, they never entirely disappear or vanish in normal men."
Sexual dissatisfaction is a symptom of marital discord. One partner may be frigid, or the other may suffer from erectile dysfunction. Sex may become so routine when partners refuse to acknowledge each others needs. As Esther Pirot says, "Bedroom familiarity breeds contempt."

While a woman is stimulated in an emotional environment, a man's interest is more about sexual excitation. Romance just fades away, and the entire exercise becomes mechanical and devoid of feeling. Dr. Albert Ellis describes this as "Healthy Adultery."

A prominent Divorce lawyer says that in 90% of cases, divorce begins in the bedroom.

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When one partner turns down a mate for sex, it is a painful experience. The partner feels rejected. Men especially begin to look elsewhere to satisfy their unfulfilled desires. Dissatisfaction is a preliminary to infidelity. The "trapped syndrome" makes them want to flee the boring marital bed.
Even the Bible counsels, "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband; the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, except for prayer. Then come together again so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control."(1Cor 7:4.5.)

Long distance marriages also lead to infidelity. Prolonged absence does not make the heart grow fonder. It may drive them apart.

The term "Managed Monogamy" is a new word added to the Manual of Infidelity.

Here spouses have extramarital affairs while being in a marriage, by mutual consent. There's nothing clandestine about it. They even discuss their affairs and have a laugh.
Unresolved Conflicts can also lead to infidelity.
Careers and jobs today are so demanding that couples don't find time to speak to each other. Instead they form relationships at work. A wife who is housebound feels neglected when her husband is preoccupied with his career. Her loneliness and frustration may goad her into an affair.

A husband unemployed for long period can be nagged at or belittled by his wife. This may drive him into the arms of another sympathetic woman.

Financial Problems either due too poor salaries or extravagant life styles, or large families lead to constant bickering and dissatisfaction in the home. It could trigger infidelity.

In-laws can sometimes drive a person to desperation especially when there is no support from the partner. The aggrieved spouse might look for support elsewhere.
Domestic Violence, repressive husbands, nagging wives or wives obsessed with order and cleanliness are also causes for infidelity.

Economic freedom of women has given them power and opportunities to have fun elsewhere.

A newspaper item said that women are more inclined to cheat in love than men. The ratio stands at 40% as against 34% males.

Unfulfilled goals in life often create frustration and irresponsibility, which can also lead to infidelity.

There are three types of infidelity.

- The one night stand or the one-time affair, like Boris Becker's quickie in the broom cupboard in a London restaurant. It cost him his marriage and a chunk of his fortune.

- It may be a short term relationship. But too many of these short affairs could destroy one's marriage and lead to depression, say psychologists.

- Others have parallel marriages with two wives and two families. Many of the Bollywood (Mumbai) actors are into such relationships.

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

The common reaction of aggrieved spouses when confronted by the infidelity of their partners is almost similar to what one experiences when a partner dies. Surprise, denial, anger, disappointment and eventually acceptance follow.
Denial is a defensive mechanism by the aggrieved spouse even when the signs are glaringly evident. Husbands sometimes purposely leave clues like hotel receipts or lipstick on the collar because it brings them relief from guilt. But many wives pretend that all is well and refuse to confront them. This "ostrich syndrome" is a way of coping. But it eventually leads to depression, insomnia and sometimes suicidal tendencies. A wife, who has no other economic means of support covers up a partner's guilt, thereby condoning his infidelity.

Anger is a common reaction. Angry words, refusal to do normal domestic chores, withdrawal of conjugal rights, or running off to Mother, are some of the ways women show their anger. Sometimes fights ensue. The husband is angry with his wife for driving him to infidelity. The wife who is betrayed is angry at being let down. There is a breach of trust which psychiatrists call 'psychic injury.'

At times a woman may retaliate by saying "If he can do it, I can do it too." Imitating the wrong doer is like being controlled by the errant spouse and is counter productive.
Anger can sometimes be directed at one's self for not being able to make a success of marriage, or at the spouse for not meeting her needs, or at God for allowing such a situation.
Revenge is a fatal reaction. Inflicting physical injury or throwing acid on a lover's face is becoming quite common these days.

When Peter the Great discovered the affair his wife was having with William Mons, (Gentleman of the Bed Chamber) he had the man decapitated. The head was preserved in a bottle full of alcohol and kept in the Queen's bedroom.

Many women with poor self image blame themselves for their husbands' infidelity. They feel they have not lived up to their husbands' expectations and have driven them into the arms of other women.

Some like to force a solution immediately, without waiting for any explanation from the errant spouse. The decision to split is taken immediately, leaving no room for reconciliation.

Marriage is a relationship that has to be built over the years, with love and deep commitment to each other. Infidelity is a breach of trust that leaves the offended spouse deeply hurt and betrayed. An affair is a crisis that must be tackled calmly. Facts must be sorted out from rumours or suppositions. It is possible for wrong conclusions to be drawn from innocent gestures.

Partners who communicate well with each other and periodically conduct a marital audit will be able to sort out major or minor conflicts. No one is infallible. Mistakes are possible but confession must come quickly, and remorse should be rewarded with forgiveness. The incident thereafter should be laid to rest and not recycled with every argument. Spouses must love "in spite of" the other's faults.

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers," says Robert Quillan.

Ogden Nash sums up the secret of a happy marriage in verse.

"If you want your marriage to sizzle,

With love in the loving cup,

Whenever you're wrong admit it,

Whenever you're right shut up."

Spouses who love each other deeply and have pledged to be faithful till the end, will not compromise even on small temptations. They will be able to resist them. Mutual respect, concern for the other's needs, and the ability to continually fall in love with each other, will keep the marriage bed inviolate. Of course it goes without saying that Divine help is imperative.

"Couples who stay married develop the ability to not lose sight of the love in their relationship and to express it," says Robert Levenson.

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If you have been noticing your partner pulling away and losing interest in you - you have a right to be worried about your marriage. Your desire to save this relationship is a good one, but you should make sure not to make the wrong move or a bad decision. These tips will help you to salvage and heal your marriage.

Saying sorry means to back those words with action: Acknowledge your faults as quickly as you can. It does take two hands to clap - so do your part. Just saying "I'm sorry" means nothing till your actions prove what you say. Usually a heartfelt apology works miracles.

Regain the trust: The reasons for lack of interest and cracks in a marriage relationship could be many. If there has been infidelity on your part, then you will have to work hard to regain the trust and respect that you lost. Do all you can to show your partner that you erred but will never do so again.

Reinforce the relationship: Here again, it is your actions that will prove your love and loyalty to your spouse. Take time to bond with your partner in a way you have never done before. Take the lead and show your partner that you care and cherish what you have together. This will form a strong foundation for your marriage.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

Have a heart to heart talk: Sometimes couples are too caught up with the everyday chores and the mundane things of married life to really sit down and talk to one another. This could lead to taking each other for granted. Don't let this happen. Take time to listen to one another and show your partner that they are your first priority. It works to keep the love strong.

Be open and honest: Don't try to hide your true feelings or they may surface in a negative way that will destroy the peace in the house. If you feel uncomfortable or unhappy about certain things regarding your relationship, air your feelings in a diplomatic and loving manner. This approach will be appreciated and better understood by your partner.

Be ready to make changes: This means that you have to be ready to make sacrifices - big time! If you feel that your partner is worth it, then go for it! Make the necessary changes you have to, to keep your partner happy. It is not a big price to pay when it can make your marriage secure.

Satisfy your partner: When you fail to satisfy your spouse physically or emotionally, then there are chances of infidelity and heartbreak. Make sure your spouse's needs are catered to in every way. There is no way your partner is going to look for excitement and satisfaction with someone else, if they are content at home!

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Anyone who makes the effort to find solutions to stop divorce already shows a desire to salvage his or her marriage. When you are in this situation, having faith that marriage can still work is key. From this base, you can then look at how to avoid divorce before it really becomes too late.

A number of professional counselors will recommend the following 5 solutions to stop divorce --

1. Don't proceed with the divorce

Divorce is pretty much a point of no return. A couple in trouble must first commit to working at the marriage. Therefore, all talk of divorce must halt, and instead be replaced by the commitment and focus to work things out.

2. Determine the core causes of the breakdown and the actions needed

It is crucial the couple figure out the reasons why they are on the verge of divorce to start with. Determining the core causes is critical because now the focus is on resolution rather than termination.

What if your spouse don't love you anymore? Here's how to get them addicted to you like when you fell in love for the first time

As importantly, WHAT needs to be done by the couple individually? Are there changes in habit, attitude or even appearance that will help? Focus on solutions, with the end-goal of how to stop divorce from actually resulting. As for actions needed, you need to work at showing each other more respect, becoming better listeners and communicating truthfully and more often.

In other words, to stop separation and divorce in their tracks, it is critical for the couple to engage one another in a fresh way, less any bad feelings that have arisen.

3. Learn to compromise or even give in

Learn how to compromise or even give in when you can't agree on a particular matter. Keep in mind the end goal -- to stop separation and divorce. With the big picture view, most things would appear minor by comparison and that's a good thing!

4. Revive your love for one another

This could well be the hardest and yet the most effective solution. After all marriage is about the love you have (or once had) for one another. Revisit the places you used to go, the things you used to do, the memories you used to share.

As soon as you are determined to figure out how to stop divorce as a couple, know that the real work begins. It's hard work but well worth it in the long run. Give these solutions to stop divorce a try. The happiest years of your future married life are yet to be and you hold the power to make them happen. Throw aside all thoughts of divorce and make the effort to love each other again.

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This topic really hits home for me as I write this. My wife told me at one point in our marriage that very thing. "My spouse doesn't love me anymore!"I thought to myself. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I didn't think there was much hope but after saving my marriage, I can tell you that there is still hope for you and your spouse. Here is my story.

When my wife told me this, she said she wanted to separate and sort out her feelings.

I made a lot of critical errors at this point, that I later learned were the complete opposite of what I should be doing. Here is the best advice I can give you based on what I have learned over the years:

1. Remain strong, at least in front of your spouse

2. Acknowledge what he or she is feeling. You can't make someone feel a certain way, or blame them for feeling that way.

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

3. Work on yourself mentally, spiritually and physically

4. Immerse yourself in things that you enjoy, even if you don't feel like it right now

5. Allow your spouse the time they need to sort things out

6. Refuse to lay around moping and do not base your life on your spouse's decision

7. Carry yourself as a happy, confident and fulfilled person

The idea here is to be strong, accepting and confident. More than likely, your spouse has revealed to you in sharing these feelings that he or she is concerned about them as well and honestly would like to understand and possibly work through them. But you will destroy any chance to grow through this is a couple if you push your spouse away by begging, pleading, smothering, or acting negative in any way. Follow the steps above and you absolutely give yourself and your spouse the best chance of getting through this difficult point in the marriage

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.


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Author's Bio: 

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There are specific techniques that will show you exactly what to do and what to say to get your spouse back in your arms- Especially if you are the only one trying... Visit Save The Marriage to find out more.

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