I Slept With Someone While Separated: Is Sleeping With Someone While Separated Adultery

I Slept With Someone While Separated: Is Sleeping With Someone While Separated Adultery

"Is it okay if I go out on a date?" asked my client, "John." He had filed for divorce and taken his own apartment. "After fighting with my wife for two years, "I'd like be to be with someone who is glad to have me around."

I get this question all the time as a divorce attorney. And, my simple answer is always the same: "Not until your divorce is final." But, life is rarely simple. "John" was lonely and stressed out. Meeting someone new, feeling desirable again, and having fun struck him as a terrific idea. So, despite my cautions, and like many clients, "John" decided it "couldn't hurt" to accept a friend's offer to fix him up. Anticipating this, I gave "John" the do's and don'ts of dating before you are divorced.

Unfortunately, there is more that you shouldn't do than should, but first let's clarify what is meant by "dating." Legally, "dating" means one-on-one social contact with another person, typically the opposite sex. There is no distinction between platonic contacts and ones that are romantic or sexual, although from a practical standpoint, the romantic/sexual relationships are the ones that draw scrutiny and cause complications.

The reason divorce lawyers counsel against dating while the divorce is pending, even if separated, is that it has the potential to increase both the cost and the stress of the divorce trial. You are not supposed to date if you are married. Judges, however, rarely punish someone who begins dating-sexually or otherwise-once they have physically separated from their spouse.

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Even so, the presence of someone new, particularly when paraded in front of the spouse and/or children, can enrage the soon to be ex-husband or wife, and also create the suspicion that the relationship began as an "affair" before the separation. The innocent new friend can be deposed by the other side's lawyer (that is, asked questions under oath) and subpoenaed to testify at trial. The purpose is to determine exactly when the relationship began, is it sexual, did any marital property get transferred, such as by gift, how much money was spent on dating this person, and did the spouse say anything that could be used against him or her at trial. Even if everything is on the up and up, the result is a lot of unnecessary aggravation and cost.

But, for those unwilling to wait, here are a few guidelines for dating while divorcing:

The Don'ts:

o Don't even consider dating until you have physically separated even if you/your spouse agree that the marriage is over. It could be cited as a reason the marriage failed and lead a judge to award more of the marital assets to your spouse.

o Once separated, date with the utmost propriety, particularly around your children. Don't do anything in front of them that you wouldn't be comfortable describing to a judge. Avoid introducing them to your new sweetheart. It will likely exacerbate their pain and could compromise your future custody rights.

o Don't get pregnant or impregnate someone before the divorce is final. It will prolong your case until the baby's born so the court can verify who is the father, and determine custody and support requirements.

The Do's:

o Do socialize in groups, being careful not to pair off with someone.

o It's okay to attend events individually and network socially. If you meet someone you like, be upfront about your situation. Exchange contact information, but avoid one-on-one contact until you are at least separated.

o Find a support group for people in the midst of a divorce. Typically, these will be offered at churches or other non-profit organizations.

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All of the things that you hoped for during the few years of your marriage are gone. However, you are still hoping that the sparks will eventually come back again for the sake of your children. If you want to be sure before you hit the divorce arena, here are some signs on how to tell if your marriage is over.

If you feel uncomfortable about sharing your thoughts with your partner, it is a clear sign that everything is getting quite shaky for you. It is only natural for you to share your deepest concerns to your spouse. You have promised to be faithful to each other and get through life's perils together, and not feeling so is one of the signs on how to tell if your marriage is over.

Another sign is when you feel that you are working hard to get the love and attention of your partner. Naturally, you would want to receive some love from the person that you are going to spend your life with. But if this does not work, and you think that your spouse has other interests besides being in a marriage, then let it be.

Although these things about how to tell if your marriage is over are stated here, nothing compares to letting your husband or wife know about your concerns if these problems arise. It is very important to have an open communication with your spouse. Who knows, you may just give your marriage a second try.

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When two people fall in love, they say things like: I'll love you forever or our love will last for all of eternity or I'll never stop loving you. Those words are spoken with deep conviction and meaning, but often if you come back a few years later, they're a distant memory. The love is gone and has been replaced with frustration, resentment, or even bitterness.

For many people love is an emotion, and the basis for deciding if they are still in love is how they feel about their spouse. Over time, if couples don't work on their marriage, the feelings of love, comfort, excitement, and tenderness toward their spouse weaken and can become nonexistent. When it reaches that stage, they are no longer "in love" with that person.

The problem is that according to the Bible, love is not a feeling but a choice. You choose whether or not you're going to love someone. In fact true love, God's kind of love, is unconditional. It's not based on feelings, whether or not the person deserves it, if they've earned it, or are worthy of it. God chose to love us not because of who we are or what we've done, but because of who he is. God is love; it's part of his very nature.

When people fall out of love, it's usually because their spouse failed to meet their expectations. Maybe the person made promises to them that fell by the wayside after the marriage began. Maybe you expected that they'd act a certain way or do certain things as a married partner, but they didn't. Often, once the marriage is formed, the things your spouse did to win you were discarded when you thought they'd be a regular part of your marriage. Whatever the case, there are things you expected from your mate that didn't happen and as a result, your feelings have changed. Resentment creeps in and begins to form a wedge quietly pushing you apart.

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What about the idea of your love lasting for eternity? Is that still a possibility? It is if you follow the Biblical definition and pattern for love. True love is a choice to honor, care for, support, and encourage the one who is the recipient. It doesn't look for anything in return or place expectations on the one being loved. It's not based on their response, worthiness, or attitude.

Proverbs 16:3 says that when you commit your works to the Lord, your thoughts will be established. If the love you have for your spouse is weak or gone, you can get it back. It may not happen overnight, but can come back even stronger with time. How?

It starts with a commitment between you and God which says that from now on, with God's help, you will choose to love your spouse whether you feel like it or not; whether they deserve it or not. Then ask for wisdom and direction on how to demonstrate that love to them and follow through. Remind yourself and God of your commitment on a consistent basis and keep demonstrating love as God directs, especially when you don't feel like it. According to this verse, what you'll find is that God will begin to change your thinking toward your spouse. As you become a channel of God's love toward your spouse, he will rekindle your love for them.

The scriptural principle is that God establishes facts and principles. Then you step out in faith to apply those principles, and the feelings follow. When you chose to go God's way, your love for each other can last for an eternity.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

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Addictions can devastate lives, shatter marriages and destroy careers. Whether it is alcohol, porn or drugs, addictions can start as harmless urges for attention and transform into thieves that steal the individual you loved and decided to marry. With much work and several steps, a marriage cannot only be saved from an addiction, but may also grow stronger.

First, you should identify the type of addiction. If you do not know the kind of addiction you are dealing with, it will be difficult to combat it and save your marriage. Therefore, look at the signs and find the appropriate help.

For example, your husband could be addicted to porn if he spends most of his time behind the computer surfing inappropriate content. You could also find out if a spouse is addicted to and obsessed with another person, especially if he or she reduces interest in you without a reason and spends most of their time communicating or chatting with them.

Second, be honest regarding the addiction. The addiction will not go away on its own if you choose to ignore it. Be convinced the addiction really exists before you start looking for help. If you turn a blind eye towards it, a time will come when it will be hard to ignore.

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Third, get help for yourself and your spouse. There is a really high likelihood you may not be able to assist your spouse with their addiction single-handedly. There are numerous resources for persons who are struggling with addictions and their spouses. Interacting with others who have been able to conquer addictions can really inspire your spouse to get through this situation.

Fourth, support the addict. Even though at times the case of addiction calls for lots of tough love, it is imperative you support your spouse. It is not easy to overcome an addiction.

If you do not support your spouse, he or she could just relapse, get discouraged or wonder whether they should even attempt to get over the addiction. Therefore, remind your spouse of the great things in your marriage and show them you love them even when you don't 'like' their addiction. This will fuel them to go through the addiction and get out as a sober and clean individual.

Fifth, strengthen the communication with your spouse. Talking with them is not only crucial during a regular marriage, but also essential when handling an addiction. It is during these tough moments you should reinforce your emotional connection and relationship.

What destructive emotions are at the heart of the problems you are experiencing with your relationship. Do you have an addiction? If so, maybe you need to get control of what you are really telling yourself.

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