I Shut Down When My Husband Yells At Me: How Not To Shutdown In An Argument With Your Spouse
Have you ever experienced this? You are in the middle of explaining a problem to your spouse and instead of listening to what you are saying, they are picking apart the most ridiculous details. Frustrated, you try to answer and return back to the problem but they are so stuck on the wrong word you used or your tone of voice that you don't even want to continue. So instead of having another argument, you decide to shut down and keep your comments to yourself.
Now you have another problem on top of the original problem and so it builds until you just want to explode. While there is nothing wrong with deciding not to argue about semantics, not voicing your opinion can breed resentment which turns into anger and eventually bitterness. So what can you do? Instead of replaying the argument over and over from your perspective, try to replay the argument as if you were a third party looking from the outside. Then evaluate the situation with these points in mind.
Recognize. As you replay the argument, look for similar patterns of behavior from previous exchanges. For instance, if the argument involved another person is there a tone in your voice that indicates aggression, depression, obsession, or oppression towards that person? Could the way you say something trigger a response in your spouse because they are naturally inclined to defend that person? Recognize the non-verbal communication and see if there is a look, a lack of engagement, or a distraction that is also triggering a negative response. Oftentimes it is not the obvious answers that are the most revealing.
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Remember. Replay the argument again and this time, take into consideration the timing of the argument. Did you confront your spouse while they were in the middle of something else? Did you confront them on the same day when a thousand other things went wrong? Were they overly tired and would have benefited from some sleep first? Remember the circumstances surrounding the argument and see if their response would have been similar no matter who was confronting them in that moment.
Restore. One more time, replay the argument and look for ways you could have resolved the conflict without shutting down. Sometimes it is as simple as telling your spouse that you will answer all of their questions at the end of your explanation or not entertaining their question at all until you are done speaking. Instead of refusing to get your point across, look for shorter ways to explain your point or start with your point first and then share the story. Restore your relationship rather than allowing an argument to tear it apart.
Having said all of this, there are some spouses who already have disengaged from their marriage and the distraction tactic is an effort to reinforce or justify their disengagement. If this has happened, then when you try to bring up the argument again, they will reply in a similar manner. If not, then review the three points and give them the benefit of the doubt.
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You've read a lot of advice on the internet about improving your marriage, right? The advice you've been reading is probably starting to a little sound redundant and perhaps even washed out.
These kinds of advice is don't last very long. Instead, these tips cover up the real issue behind what is really going on. Using tips and tricks to make your marriage work is essentially like putting oil-clogging makeup on a blemish. It just doesn't get to the root of the problem.
Instead, if you apply these two things, you can dramatically improve your marriage.
Accept Your Current Reality
By accepting your reality, you're not resisting something you can't control. Why add extra pain and suffering to your life if you can't do anything to change it. For example, if you and your spouse turn up late to a dinner party because your spouse wrote down the wrong directions, there's no need to hold that over your spouse's head. It happened and there is nothing you can do about to fix the situation.
Instead, strive to aspire towards positivity because what you make of the present moment will become your past. Instead, you can get over the fact you're late and begin focusing on having a great time.
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Why not move past whatever happened so you can open more opportunities for a positive interaction with your spouse? This can work for anything. Whatever your spouse did or did not do, said or did not say-- allow yourself to be emotionally okay with it. No need to fuel a flame that will only burn down your happiness.
Take Control of Your Own Emotions
Do you rely on your spouse to feel happy and complete? Are you basing your state of happiness on their actions and words? If so, you must learn to rely on yourself rather than your external situations and relationships to make you feel happy. Happiness is perspective and you have the power of changing your perspective.
Work on making yourself feel better by focusing on things in life that help you aspire to positivity and feel successful. The root of behind successful couples is that they feel successful in their own lives, apart from their spouse. Do you feel very successful right now? If not, you may need to work on your self-esteem, confidence and self-image. The only person that has the power to make you feel happy or sad is yourself.
What if you just can't get the love back in your marriage? I know how hard it can be to try and make your spouse understand just how special your love is but if you want to really make your marriage sing again you'll need to learn a that you can't use the same strategy you've been using in the past.
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There is no doubt fights and problems occur in every marriage. Therefore some methods are "developed" to solve these problems. These marriage problems fall into two cases: There is no danger of divorce in the first case. The aim of the spouse is to solve the problems just for the sake of making the marriage a better experience, not to save it from divorce. If this is the case with you, then you are a proactive spouse and should be congratulated.
Second and a more widespread case is that: You try to find methods to prevent divorce when you are facing a divorce problem. If this is the case similar to yours, I can really understand what you are feeling: My marriage is failing. My spouse does not show enough interest in me anymore and now I feel that I cannot attract him any more. A divorce is on its way. But I am determined to fight and win.
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This was the case with me. Yes I was very determined, but had no idea about what to do: Marriage counseling? This method is useful when both sides want to solve the problems between them. So when only one side wants to save a marriage, this option does not work. So I tried to find new ways to save my marriage. I was so hopeless that I couldn't see or decide what to do. Now that I look back, I understand that it's impossible to create a well-thought, perfect plan of action when you're in such a situation. And this is the heart of the problem.
So, what you need to do to save a marriage is that first, you should not try to solve the problems by yourself. Ask for some outside advice. You cannot see any progression unless you do this- I made no progress so I decided to get some outside help, which changed the whole situation for me.
Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.
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Even if it's what you really think you need to do, a divorce can be painful for everyone involved. No one likes to think of starting their life over again, facing financial upheavals, and hurting their own children, but these situations are all looming when you think of divorce. Unless there are very extenuating circumstances, such as spousal abuse, mental illness, or numerous infidelities, there may be a way to revive your ailing marriage and stop divorce. That would be to connect with an online marriage coach who will be able to show you the road back to marital health using proven techniques.
Stop and think about all the things that a divorce will do to change your life. You may have to move to a new residence. That involves paying deposits and moving expenses and maybe storage fees when everything you own won't fit into your new place. You will likely have shared custody of your children which will mean you're only involved in their lives part of the time. You will also have to deal with your ex-spouse remarrying and providing a stepparent for your children. Are you really going to want to have your kids raised by strangers who may or may not even like them?
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Your finances may end up in disarray. You may or may not be given enough child support to keep living your life, but it could be less than you need, or your ex may not even pay you regularly, so you can't count on it. You will assume the full responsibility for the children as far as arranging child care while you're working, figuring out how to get them to school and back, taking care of them when they're sick, and driving them back and forth to various activities. Even with only partial custody, a lot of extra burden will still fall on your shoulders.
Then there's the dating scene. It's been a long time since you dated, and when you do so, you may discover that your ex, problems and all, was better than anyone else you can find while you worry about being alone the rest of your life. How much simpler it could be to work with a marriage coach in order to repair your marriage and continue on through life with your partner! So, think about it long and hard before taking the plunge, and you may be able to stop divorce before it happens.
Now Listen Carefully-
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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.
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