I Can't Talk To My Husband About Anything: My Husband And I Can't Talk Without Arguing

While communication is clearly vital for the preservation of your marital relationship, research has consistently demonstrated that men and women express themselves far differently from one another. For example, women talk on average about 3 times as much as men.

This disparity, coupled with men's natural tendencies to shut down verbally, can become the root cause of a number of marital problems. Of course, no matter what the statistics indicate actually takes place, there is no way to determine who should (or will) do the majority of the speaking in a marriage.

Regardless of which marriage partner does the greater amount of speaking, both should always readily communicate in a healthy relationship, and do so voluntarily and without fear. Following are some tips for constructive conversations.

Ask Rather Than Assume

You can't expect to read your spouse's mind, nor should you expect the same of your mate. If you want to know something, ask. One of the single best ways to open the lines of communication in a marriage is simply to ask your beloved how day went. That question alone could set the tone for an entire evening's conversation.

Of course, never try to force your partner to talk - this will only lead to a resentful attitude or stunted, unproductive conversations.

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One Person at a Time

While some people may find it cute that one spouse finishes sentences of the other, in most circumstances, doing so consistently can cause irritation to your husband or wife - despite best intentions.

In fact, if you make a habit of doing so, interrupting your mate, or otherwise speaking over the sound of their voice, these typically serve as communication killers.

Courtesy is just as important when speaking with - or listening to - your spouse as it is when talking to anyone else, actually more so. Don't rush your spouse when that person is talking - it subtly conveys a message of "I'm too busy to listen to you droning on with your unimportant comments."

Pause to Truly Listen

Being party to a productive conversation requires both speaking and listening - something many people neglect or simply overlook. Listening appropriately and intently to your spouse is often one of the best ways to encourage them to open up as much as possible. And honestly (guys), it's a simple but effective way to say, "I love you."

The bottom line is that every person - and therefore every marriage - faces their own set of fears and insecurities - but these negative emotions don't need to produce destructive marital results.

Making an honest effort to communicate with your spouse - listening as well as speaking - can be the most important thing you do to preserve your marriage's longevity. Not spending less, not losing weight, not more sex, not buying gifts, not even compliments. Effective, heartfelt communication is at the top.

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Communication is an art, a skill, a learned behavior. Just because you can speak doesn't mean you can communicate. There are many different ways we communicate. Words are powerful, but body language or even a kiss can communicate as well. It's essential that you learn to communicate.

I'll break this article into two parts. The first part will be for the wife and the second part will be for the husband.

FOR THE WIFE

Communicating with your husband will take a bit of understanding on your part. Most men just don't like talking about their emotions. They have emotions-despite what they might say-and they have them just as strongly as you do, but they don't like to bring them out and show them. They see it as a sign of weakness.

This isn't true for every man, but it is consistent enough to make a generalization in this case. You will have to know the nature of your own husband. I've seen cases where this was switched.

Getting your husband to open up to you is like trying to crack a nut with a pair of tweezers. It can be a trying experience. Here are some ideas you can try:

1. Ask your husband what he intends to do, not necessarily how he feels. In learning his plan, you will gain an understanding of how he feels.

2. Praise him. Every man has an ego and most men like that ego stroked. Men often pay attention to heartfelt and meaningful praise. You can get your husband's ear more with praise than with criticism and nagging.

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3. Talk about plans for the future. A lot of men think in terms of what must be done. Ask questions about both of your future, get him to make plans with you and he'll talk.

4. Use his interests to express your feelings. This may take a bit of practice and skill on your part, but use that which interests him to explain how you feel. For example, if your husband is a die-hard basketball fan and you feel like a failure in something, you may want to tell him that you feel like a basketball player that just missed the winning shot as time expires. He'll immediately relate to that and understand it. If your husband likes to hunt, you may say that you feel like a hunter sitting in a deer stand all day and not even seen a single squirrel. He'll know what that feels like.

5. Don't try to force your husband to talk. Try to use these ideas to get him to open up to you.

FOR THE HUSBAND

Communicating with your wife isn't an option, it is a necessity. Providing her with security is best given through communication. Even if what you have to say is about negative circumstances, she'll draw security from the conversation.

Women define themselves more by their relationships than men do. The strength of her relationships is essential to most women's security and happiness. And the strength of a relationship is built on communication.

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Here are some tips, gentlemen, on communicating with your wife:

1. If you want to know what she is planning to do, ask her how she feels about it. As she explains her emotions you'll gain insight into her intentions as well.

2. Take time to listen to her. This is vital. Many women just want their husbands to listen to them. You don't necessarily have to solve her problems, tell her what to do, or explain things to her, you just need to listen. Don't presume to correct her, fix her, or change her. Just listen.

3. Plan the future together. When you talk to each other, talk about the future. That is what you did when you first met, and that helped bring you together.

4. Schedule times to talk. Anticipation, for most women, is a greater force than surprise. I usually let my wife know in advance when we are going to do something together. She will think about it and just anticipating it often goes further than the actual event does.

5. Praise her. She needs to hear you say how pretty she is, how lovely she is, how much you love her, how appreciate you are of her.

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Marriage partners can end up as cell mates instead of soul mates. It is a lousy place to be. I've worked with couples that feel very trapped, as if they are caught in a life sentence in their marriage.

Signs of The Cell Mate Marriage

- Open hostility to the partner

- Sickening silences that can last for days

- Lead completely separate lives

- Feel trapped, helpless and hopeless

- Some people can feel suicidal when they feel so trapped

As you can imagine this is a horrible place to be. Couples have settled for a life of despair and emptiness, and have resigned themselves to living this way until they die. My belief is once they make this decision to live this way, they have already begun to die.

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What to Do

To quote the popular line from both "Amityville Horror" movies:

Get ooout!

Now, let me clarify what I mean. I'm a big believer in marriage. I fight for the marriages of the couples I coach and counsel. Sometimes people have to tell me to stop, it's over. I am anything but quick to recommend the end to a relationship.

At the same time, I am not a big believer in a lifetime of misery. When someone has tried everything possible to make it work and make it good, and they are still in a cell mate marriage, then sometimes the most loving thing you can do is release each other from the prison cell.

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"To be married is to have found in a total stranger a near and long-lost relative; a true blood relative even closer to us than father and mother."
~ Mike Mason

As two become one,
Their love is found unique,
What they will become,
Is truly something complete.

Think of love as an unrefined perfection; what God can do for two imperfect people as they agree to submit to one another for the marriage's sake. Love is willing sacrifice. Love is God's answer: one human being to another.

Can there be a more salubrious event in the sight of God than two becoming one, whether by marital union or by teamwork or by reaching settlement? God is the God of reconciliation and where there are differences, the God-appointed destiny is to be reconciled, always - by one of many possible ways of being reconciled.

Marriage is perfect reconciliation.

Marriage is the epitome of God's design for two persons of the opposite sex, who fit together, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and, as the culmination of these, sexually.

Marriage is union of trust and the upholding of respect. Where two persons come together, so differently arranged, but placed together by circumstances that God has brought about, it is a veritable miracle that they be such different persons who can attain to trust and respect for the other - to earnestly seek it, every day. There is no shame in being male or being female, though our bodies are different. There is no shame in being male or female, though we think differently.

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Marriage is the opportunity to accept another person more, perhaps, than they may accept themselves. What a gift it is to one partner who has a low self-esteem to receive affirmation and confirmation from their partner, not that a partner is required to complete one's identity in this fashion.

Such love in marriage completes us, as far as God's will for completion is concerned. Unity has no higher mark in this life. Marriage is designed to be all this. But this doesn't mean there won't be a threat to such unity from time to time - or that unity may be destroyed and need to be rebuilt. It is to both parties to the arrangement of marriage that the responsibility for unity lays. Both are equally responsible for unity.

When two have become one, there must be celebrations in heaven. When two have become one there are certainly celebrations on earth.

When two have become one there is a note of willing sacrifice that is shared. They have transcended the barriers of their individual selfishness. They have attained something of God in their midst.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

Author's Bio: 

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