I Can't Live With My Husband Anymore: I Can't Stand My Husband Right Now - Reasons To Stay Married When You Aren't In Love Anymore

Today's popular thinking is that you should stay married only as long as you are in love with your spouse. Once you are no longer in love you are expected to move on from the relationship and to begin searching for a new partner who you will fall in love with. This view is further perpetuated by the media where we read of celebrity couples breaking up because they aren't in love anymore. We want to be perpetually in love with our spouse but is that a realistic expectation? What are the reasons for you to stay married when you aren't in love anymore?

1. Love thrives in commitment. A major reason to stay married when you aren't in love anymore is that commitment builds love and you are looking at the picture backwards. You want to be in love in order to stay married and yet staying committed to your marriage is what will grow your love. When you and your spouse are totally committed to each other and you let each other know this at crucial times in your marriage than that's when you will grow deeper in love with each other. Knowing for sure that your spouse will be your partner and ally through life is what will make you fall in love with your spouse.

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2. Love changes. Another reason to stay married is that love changes. In the first 2 to 3 years of marriage both your emotions are on a high and your love is very emotive but after that your love changes to a more settled mature type of love that is based more on sharing and supporting one another. You both love each other dearly but the love is different but if all you want is the emotional high that you first had then you will have to keep moving from relationship to relationship every 2 to 3 years. What does being in love mean to you? Is it the emotional high that you had in the first 2 years? Then you need to let your love mature and change into something deeper.

3. Life affects your feelings. You must know that your love will not remain constant. Whatever is happening in your life and in your spouse's life will affect how you feel. If you are having financial problems then your love for your spouse will take a beating. Problems in how you and your spouse handle the issues of life could be the reason why you are no longer in love with your spouse. All your emotional energy is diverted to the problem or you are blaming your partner for the problem so your feelings toward your partner are ambivalent or negative. You need to learn how to be a better team member in your marriage by doing your part instead of running away and leaving the marriage.

These are the 3 main reasons why you should stay married when you aren't in love anymore. You should only leave a marriage when you have tried all that you can to identify what the problem is and to solve that problem.

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This process is best done with an impartial third party, whose sole interest is your marriage, not taking sides. However, if there is no one to do that, the couple could follow this procedure separately and then trade results. I'm not sure this will work well, but at the very least it will allow you to identify the problems in your marriage.

Knowing where the problems are is the key to knowing what you need to work on. This procedure is not designed to be a reflection of the truth. Oh no, but rather to reveal the problems as you and your spouse see them. The truth and how we see the truth is rarely the same thing. More often than not, we must deal with our perceptions in order to fix the problem. The truth always takes care of itself.

STEP 1 - RATE YOUR MARRIAGE

The purpose of this is to get a general sense of who sees the problem as the greatest. Every problem must be solved from the perspective of the person who sees it as the worst. If you don't tackle it from that perspective, someone will feel that the problem isn't being addressed properly. Nothing will be solved. So, take a piece of paper and write your name at the top of it. In one of the corners, draw a box and write a number between 0-10 in it. 0 is hell on earth, and 10 is heaven on earth.

Usually, it will be the wife who rates the marriage worse than her husband. If this is true, then, hubby, you need to realize that in order to solve the problems in the relationship you may have to acknowledge that the problem is greater than you were willing to believe.

STEP 2 - WRITE DOWN THE ANSWERS TO THREE QUESTIONS

These three questions are designed to get you to examine the relationship in its entirety, not just from a platform of anger or frustration. Answer them honestly and objectively. Write the questions down on the piece of paper and leave space for your answers.

Question #1 - If you could change anything about your spouse, what are the two most important things you would change right now?
Question #2 - If you could change anything about yourself, what are the two most important things you would want to change right now?
Question #3 - If your spouse could change anything about you, what are the two most important things you think he/she would want to change right now?

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The answers to these questions give you a fairly general idea of where you see the problems in your marriage to be. This is important. If you use a pastor or counselor, giving him the results of these questions will enable him to see both sides of the picture. If you swap results and are able to look at your spouse's responses objectively, you may begin to see what needs to be done to fix your marriage.

These results tell me several things out the couple in question:

1. Do they know what is most important to each other? Or are they oblivious to the other's perception of the issues?

2. How much weight they give to their own side of the problem versus the problems with their mate.

3. What issues are most important and to whom.

4. Are they willing to be introspective as well as critical of their mate?

5. How well they understand the nature of the problems.

Depending on the responses, I can glean a lot of other information as well. With these three questions, I'm able to at least figure out what areas need to be addressed in a relationship. I also cut out a lot of accusation, yelling, and arguing.

STEP 3 - WRITE DOWN A LIST OF THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURS SPOUSE

This is essential. It is important to find out if you have the ability to take your eyes off of the issues and problems and realize that there are some good things about the person you married. Draw a line underneath the three questions and write out a list of positive things about your spouse. So many times we become fixated on the problems and all the good that a person is becomes smothered. The ability to recognize the good in the other also demonstrates a wiliness to try and fix the problems.

If someone says, "I can't think of anything good." Then we have a real problem. This person is trying to get out of the marriage or is so hurt that they want to run. Either way, it's not a good sign. Also, many couples after dealing with problems in their marriage have no idea what things they are doing that the other person likes. It is important to know these things! Follow these three simple steps and you'll have a basic idea of what you need to do to fix your marriage.

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Over the last couple decades, divorce rates and demand for Marriage and Family Therapists (MFT's) have both risen sharply. The purpose of the MFT is to first evaluate and then treat emotional and mental problems that may impact a relationship, as well as help couples cope with and overcome their relational issues.

In many ways MFT's tend to be less counselors and more coordinators of support groups - as they don't typically solve problems directly but rather provide families the tools they need to get their relationship back on track.

Avoiding Pitfalls

Of course, it is very possible to manage a healthy and happy relationship without the aid of an MFT, provided you both actively make the commitment to focus on your relationship to first understand, then avoid common marital pitfalls.

Learn to build realistic expectations - even the most "perfect" of relationships has its share of disagreements. You should be open to discussing issues that arise over the course of your marriage for the purpose of resolving them rather than either avoiding or (at the other extreme) exploiting them as an emotional "weapon" against your beloved.

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Remember Communication

Whether you are newlyweds or a couple who married for decades, you should never underestimate the importance of good communication. Study after study confirms that a majority of couples rank communication near or at the top of priorities they want to commit time to throughout their marriage.

Types of Communication

Talking should be by far the least complicated and easiest form of communication for most married couples - thus making implicit mind reading a non-option. If you have questions or concerns of your spouse, voice them - and be willing to listen - truly listen - to the feedback you receive.

A critical component of proper communication is courtesy - whether verbal or non-verbal. Simple gestures such as saying "please" and "thank you" and/or leaving appreciative notes don't go unnoticed, and may even make your spouse's day. Think of these gestures as emotional investment into your marriage account. The "interest" compounds over time. (Yes it does, guys!)

Clearly disagreement will arise in your marriage - of course they do. In the midst of them, though, it is important to practice "fair fighting" as much as possible. Try to address real issues at hand whenever you converse and feelings are intense, rather than bringing up previous issues or hurling personal insults. Restrain is definitely in order here.

Show Appreciation

Rather than picking your spouse apart and demeaning him/her by pointing out mistakes, it is absolutely more productive to overlook the forgivable stuff and focus on the genuinely important aspects of your relationship instead. People respond incredibly well to positive reinforcement. You do. So does your mate.

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IN A VISION I was given I was shown how remarkably easy it is to be lured into temptation to engage in sexual sin.

(So thankful am I for the revelation inbound of a mystery. There is most often little or resolutely no connection with what is going on at the time the content and meaning of the revelation is received. Hence, the revelation, as a warning or as an encouragement, is always gratefully received as it is later pondered. And it is seen for what it is, for it is pungent with truth. This revelation is the communication of the Spirit demanding the furtherance of his holy communication. I am, again, to be used as his messenger!

Please, read on... )

To be lured into temptation to engage in sexual sin is not the wrong, in and of itself.

Our weakness to submit as if we had no other choice, however; that's the wrong. It's our weakness of intention to forget what is behind and what is ahead - the relationships implicit of faithfulness we are about to take immediately and surreptitiously for granted - which is never more wrong. The travesty about to prevail is a sinner's snare when they don't see the litany of corpses strewn ahead; none more, their own. The awesome calamity that is about to beset one and one's loved ones - and so many more!

Yet being lured into temptation to engage in sexual sin is astoundingly powerful as a force for wrong, and, if we match up the seductive power of our innate sexual desires and our needs of felt intimacy with the innate propulsion of wrongdoing in sexuality enacted inappropriately, we have a potent thousand proof cocktail that inebriates even the 'very best' of humanity!

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

This is the problem I feel the Holy Spirit wants me to proclaim: Engage the human being, yes anyone, at the level of need, and there, place such 'national' (whole-of-being) pleasure in their lap - a caress, a tickle, a requited glance, a touch - and there is potential for an incursion of disaster to occur internationally. The process of cause-and-effect is ignited. And a rocket-propelled vehicle goes faster down a spiral. The forces of calumny are only just now coming into being! There is a woe in its creation!

Only one accord for international relations is permissible: marriage - when one's body (their 'nation') takes up with another's to the alliance of consummate unity to the very last breath; until death parts them.

Whatever is intrinsically enjoyable that may involve inadvertent sexual contact - and not necessarily, and not usually, genitalia - may prove irresistible. The brush of skin or hair, a gaze set upon and taken in longer than the wiser look away, the sneaky note or text message, time spent together meeting in a conspiracy of pleasure, the meeting of a need inappropriately, in sum; these, and more, are killers of good international relations - global safety and security is on the line! All that is needed for a runaway train is for attitudes to become behaviours, let alone if behaviours become habits! For a habit so appalling reaps a cataclysmic event - an unprecedented derailment - coming all too soon. From there the unfolding destruction goes ahead of the person who took no account for the consequences. Destruction is then manifest in myriad dynamism. Once an event like this is in its horrendous throes there is no recovering it until all the forces at play come to a complete standstill. Disaster recovery must then wrestle with what is, having full control over the management of such a horribly disfigured scene.

***

But it need not ever be; we have our own devices of Spirit-led and Spirit-contained response enabled for the moment; 'surprise' is never really surprise when our Spiritual acumen is enabled.

We have no excuse.

Warning upon warning is provided, if we are interested enough in national and international welfare.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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