Husband Leaves House When Angry: Husband Leaves During Argument

Husband Leaves House When Angry: Husband Leaves During Argument

Marriage can be an incredible battle zone, with insults and hurtful comments flying like warheads to harm combatants, where the fallout is what's left of the relationship in the aftermath. Or, in rare or uncommon instances, marriage can be a peaceful partnership, where both parties obtain mutual benefits that enhance the relationship.

Whatever scenario your marriage falls under, arguments, conflicts, and even minor differences of opinion can be an everyday occurrence. The main thing is to stop the arguments from getting out of hand, before they can harm your relationship; to stop them before they ever start.

So, what can you do?

Realize you have "triggers."

Whether you consider your relationship is characterized by bitterness, resentment and frequent outbursts of anger or you think your marriage is better than most, both you and your spouse have triggers. A trigger is something that sets you off, gets you to see red (get angry). Your spouse probably knows exactly what your buttons are and, when he or she needs to, your spouse pushes them. Try to recognize what your "buttons" are so that the next time your wife or husband and you are embroiled in an argument and your buttons get pushed, you don't react.

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Don't take the bait.

When you refuse to buy in to what your spouse is doing, regardless of whether he or she is right with respect to your disagreement, you will be able to remain calm. If your spouse pushes your buttons or tries to get a reaction from you in an attempt to get you to blow up but nothing happens, over time, your partner may stop trying to push those same buttons. When you know he or she is doing their best to "get your goat," remain calm. You may need to take a deep breath, count to 10. Walk away if you have to. The key is to not let yourself engage in the "game" and get upset.

Don't push back.

If you don't have a grip on your emotions and you're feeling out of control, your first instinct may very well be to strike back. You may feel like you want to get out your verbal shotgun or something even more powerful and fire back, giving everything you got to hurt your spouse, since he or she has said something or acted in such a way to hurt you. Your reaction is only natural. You may want to even the score, or even do more damage, if that's possible. For the sake of your relationship, don't retaliate. Seek to make peace by refusing to strike back or truly hurting your spouse like he or she has hurt you. When you make this decision, you'll find that you're changing the dynamic of your relationship, so that both of you are less apt to go to battle stations when there are differences of onion. Making the choice to not engage in the battle at all may the most effective strategy in the long run.

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Improving your marriage doesn't necessarily have to involve huge changes on your part or your spouse's. Many times, the cumulative effect of small changes can make a significant difference in the quality of a relationship.

It can be discouraging to only focus on the big, sweeping long-range changes that you feel are needed, such as improved communication or increased intimacy. Instead, focus on making several small changes that can affect the quality of your relationship right away.

Once you generate some positive energy flow, it'll be easier to tackle the larger issues. Plus, you'll be more motivated to put forth the effort and to keep trying.

Here are seven easy ways you can improve your marriage:

1. Schedule date nights on a regular basis. Did you know research by Idaho State University shows that one of the secrets to a happy marriage is scheduling regular dates?

This study involving 132 couples found those who went on dates more often (the average was six dates a month) were more likely to be satisfied with their marriage than those who spent less time together.

So get out your calendar and schedule some times for you and your spouse to go out and spend time together doing something you both enjoy.

You might have dinner in a restaurant, go dancing, see a movie or play, or listen to live music. The important thing is you're spending time together and having fun.

If you have children and have been neglecting this part of your relationship for a long time because you don't want to leave the kids with a babysitter, there's probably something else going on underneath the convenient "reason."

Doing everything with the children and not spending time alone with your spouse can be a way to try to avoid sex or to minimize romance. It's a mistake to think this won't hurt your marriage in the long run--because it will.

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2. Show respect when you're talking to your spouse. You may not realize you're doing damage to your marriage when your spouse is talking to you and you sigh with exasperation and roll your eyes.

Psychologist John Gottman has conducted research on what attitudes increase the chances that a marriage will end unhappily. He has found contempt is the most damaging, and he says rolling your eyes when your spouse is talking to you is a classic sign that communicates contempt.

The actual words used in interactions between a couple are only part of what is being communicated. The non-verbal component is also communicating loudly. So you're giving your partner important information about how you really feel about him (or her) when you show disrespect.

Start becoming more aware of your behavior when your spouse is talking to you. You might ask your spouse if she (or he) feels disrespected during conversations and interactions with you. But don't ask for honest feedback unless you're prepared to receive it without getting defensive. The goal is to become more self-aware and improve your relationship with your partner.

3. Take the television out of the bedroom. You may be surprised at the research findings involving late-night TV.

A survey by Italian psychologist Serenella Salomoni found that among couples over the age of fifty, those who kept TV out of the bedroom had sex an average of seven times a month compared with 1.5 times a month for couples with TV's. The implication is that late-night TV can translate into a lot less sex for many couples.

It's easy to see how this could happen over time without a couple even stopping to think about the long-term effects on their sex life and intimacy. Watching television becomes a habit and the path of least resistance.

If removing the television from your bedroom sounds too drastic, at least consider initiating a conversation with your spouse about these findings and whether your marriage might benefit from less TV watching in the evenings.

4. Make time for vacations. The Wisconsin Medical Journal reported that when 1500 women were asked how often they took a vacation, 20% said that it had been six years or more. These non-vacationers were more likely to be stressed and unhappy in their marriages.

Every day life can get so bogged down with details, work, and loose ends that fun and romance can easily become buried and neglected. Remember the old saying, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

The same is certainly true of relationships--if there's no time to play and have fun, then dullness, fatigue, and boredom often take hold. Passion and romance thrive on stimulation, building positive new memories, and the excitement that change brings.

Just leaving home and seeing and doing different things can be energizing and perk up a stale relationship. The vacations don't have to be expensive or exotic. Consider staying at a state park or camping. Explore off-season rates and advertised motel specials. Put on your creative thinking cap and see what's possible.

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5. Remember to hug your mate each day. Doctors at the University of North Carolina have found that hugging boosts blood levels of oxytocin, a relaxing hormone that is linked to trust.

According to Kathleen Light, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry at UNC and one of the study's authors, "It is safe to say that oxytocin is linked to emotional as well as physical closeness in partners...."

Make it a point to initiate more hugging, and don't be bashful about asking for what you need and want. Ask your mate to join you in some bear hugs each day or a session of snuggling on the sofa as you talk. You'll both feel better afterwards!

Note: If "hugs = sex" in your marriage, it's time to make a change. Many wives complain their husbands only touch them--hold hands, hug, kiss, snuggle--when the husbands want sex.

These wives often try to avoid physical contact with their husband because they don't want to get him aroused. This leads to a pulling away and a lack of on-going closeness and connection. Thus, it's important that hugging not be just a prelude to sex.

6. Celebrate days that are special to the two of you. Take the time to record the special days on your personal calendar so you won't forget.

What days should you celebrate? For starters, include the day you met your spouse, your wedding day, your partner's birthday, your birthday, New Year's, Valentine's Day, and any other dates that have significant meaning or cause for celebration.

Through the years, I've heard many spouses express hurt that their mate never buys them a gift, even for their birthday. There's no special dinner or birthday cake--nothing.

They might not receive a Valentine's Day card or a Christmas present, either. I'm always sad to hear this, because it seems like such a loss of an opportunity to celebrate. And the message delivered to the mate is she (or he) isn't valued and treasured.

Life is short, and you can't take your beloved partner for granted. Look for every opportunity to celebrate your love, your marriage, and the fact that you're alive!

7. Smile More Often. A genuine smile can warm the heart and make you more attractive to your spouse.

That's because smiles are sexy as well as contagious, and the energy they produce can give you and your spouse a needed boost just when you need it the most.

Smiling connects you to others so you aren't aloof and separate. A warm smile invites your spouse to come closer, to connect with you, and to linger in your presence. You'll feel better and so will your spouse.

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Over the years we have discovered several basic qualities that a spouse needs to have in order to save his or her marriage.

We will explore 4 such qualities that can get you started. Some of them may not come natural but with constant practice, they can become a part of you.

1. Be Willing To Forgive: Do not allow a stubborn and vindictive nature to put a rift between you and your spouse. No one who is unwilling to forgive can truly give their heart to another. Ensure that you are dealing with issues as they arise and make certain that a repentant spouse does not have to live in guilt and shame. Do not constantly bring up their past mistakes. Decide to forgive and move on.

2. Be Dependable: In a successful marriage both partners have distinct roles and responsibilities. Everything cannot be left up to one individual. However, there are some spouses who are utterly unreliable and left up to them their marriage would fall apart within the first year. The questions you need to ask yourself are: Can my spouse have full confidence that I will do what I have promised? Do they have to constantly remind me to pay the bills, bathe the dog, fix a particular thing around the house? etc. It doesn't matter what your other strengths are, many spouses translate an unreliable partner as someone who is unloving, self-interested and uncaring. Husbands, you could take your wife roses three times per week, but if you continue to forget special occasions (e.g. your anniversary and her birthday) to her, the roses don't count. Wives, you could have sex with your husband three times per day, but if you constantly forget when it is your time to pick up the kids and he has to do it, the sex won't count.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

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3. Be Honest: A marriage that is built on deceit and blatant lying has no chance of surviving. If you have a tendency of covering up the truth, you are only destroying the fabric of your marriage. Ensure that you are always honest about:

a. Your Finances - Do you have secret bank accounts or constantly purchase secret items?

b. Your struggles with the opposite Sex

c. Your attraction to your spouse - If you feel they are not taking care of themselves, find a tactful way to let them know and both of you come up with a solution. Maybe it is not about them but really about you

d. Your fears, dreams and aspirations

e. Your expectations

f. Your Addictions

g. Emotional affairs

After being honest about the above, you may be surprised that your spouse shares some of your struggles and concerns but was afraid to share them with you. Never underestimate the power of honesty.

4. Be Loving: Does someone really have to be told to be loving? Yes. Especially after many years of marriage. There is a story of a wife who asked her husband why it was that he didn't tell her that he loved her. His response was, "Honey, if I stopped loving you I will tell you". He didn't see a need to constantly tell his wife he loved her. Even if your love for your spouse has not changed he or she needs constant reassurance. The simple phrase, "I Love You" takes a second to say but makes an everlasting impact. Use it more often. If you are not like this by nature, then train yourself.

Decide that you will work on these qualities today.

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How do you react if your spouse announces "I want a divorce" or something similar? With shock? Surprise? Outrage?

If these are your reactions, you've got plenty of company. Thousands of spouses each year have this same experience. Many surprised partners in this situation begin to grill their unhappy mate with questions like "What in the #%& do you mean you want a divorce? After all I've done for you!"

Unfortunately, this approach doesn't make the dissatisfied spouse change her (or his) mind. If anything, it makes them dig in their heels.

The key to keeping your marriage begins with a simple but misunderstood word: Acceptance.

What is acceptance? It means respecting and accepting your spouse's point of view, even when you don't fully understand it.

To help you understand how acceptance is important in stopping your divorce, let me share a story with you.

There was a tennis player on a college team whose coach had told her that her serve needed practice. But she refused to accept and act on the coach's feedback. Again, her coach implored her to work on her technique after she spiraled into a losing streak.

Clearly, her career on the court would be short-lived unless she took her coach's advice to heart. Finally after losing another match to an arch rival in a tournament, the coach issued an ultimatum. The player would either have to do what it took to improve or leave the team.

This athlete finally came to accept what her problem was - poor technique on her serves. Before that, she'd been unwilling to do the necessary work to enhance her performance. But once she had accepted the situation as it was, she was able to move forward and improve her game.

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A marriage is much the same way. Sometimes one partner may ignore or minimize the feedback from the other for a time. This time may often stretch into years. And the frustration builds like pressure in a pressure cooker. Until finally a limit is passed and an ultimatum is issued. The offending spouse must change behavior or else the frustrated partner will leave the marriage.

At this point, a history of dissatisfaction has built up on the side of the spouse threatening to leave. Whether the surprised partner considers the reasons given to be valid or not doesn't alter the fact that the unhappiness exists.

The first thing you must do is accept the situation as a given. Acknowledge your spouse's unhappiness. This doesn't mean you have to agree with your mate's reasons. Nor does it necessarily mean accepting your partner at her word if she says that she's leaving.

It does mean that you need to accept the fact that your spouse is unhappy and has been unhappy for some time. If you can buy this description as fitting your situation, you've just made a positive step forward. Because you have to understand the dynamics of your present relationship before you can improve it.

It means that emotional communication between you and your spouse has been faulty and she (or he) believes that you haven't been meeting some of her basic needs. It means you need to accept your spouse's discontent if you want to positively influence the disastrous turn your marriage is taking.

Don't worry if you disagree with the reasons she gives you for being unhappy.

Whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of arguing or telling her she's wrong. Why? Because her perception is her reality and is the basis for her feelings and the decisions she makes.

So your first job is to understand and accept your spouse's perception of your relationship. Only then can you do something constructive to save your marriage.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.