Husband Does Not Support Me Financially: When Your Husband Doesn't Contribute Financially In The Home

Husband Does Not Support Me Financially: When Your Husband Doesn't Contribute Financially In The Home

Ask yourself the following question: What causes the 3 biggest fights in marriage? Now don't peek at the next line before you try to answer.

My guess is that you're right on. It's children, in-laws--and money. And the money struggles precede children and most likely will outlast in-laws

Joining forces financially means that "your" money--or your parents' money--becomes "our" money. And it's not until you're actually sharing the checkbook and credit cards every day, in a legally binding way, that you fully recognize how fundamentally different you are from your spouse when it comes to money.

So take two steps as you make this move from "mine" to "yours."

1. Accept the reality that you are now a "we." Who you are now includes another person.

2. Communicate. Couples may fight openly and often about money, or they may silently but unhappily suffer, increasing marital unhappiness and distance. Or there's really still another option, as I've learned from my practice--and the Madoffs. One or both can temporarily live in a fool's paradise, willfully pretending to know nothing about the couple's finances--until disaster strikes.

You might ask yourself, as I have done, why would anyone would suffer in silence or avoid knowing about something that affects him/her so significantly.

I suggest that people avoid the topic because, deeply and fundamentally in our society, money = power.

The spouse who makes more money earns a 'get-out-of-chores free' card, and gets to buy impulse purchases without communicating with the spouse. And while the 'money spouse' can use money as a mechanism of control, often the 'less-monied spouse' is too timid or intimidated to verbalize concerns.

This situation requires a marriage counselor competent in financial matters.

So, let's assume, for the moment, that you've got a marriage counselor competent in financial matters, and a couple with an unequal money-power ratio has come to me. Let's assume you, the reader, are part of that dyad.

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So, if you're the controlling spouse, you're not likely to care what therapist says, but read on, anyway, just a few more lines. Remember this: in divorce court all assets are split 50/50. You can share financially within the marriage, and improve your happiness, or you'll be forced by to share by law when the marriage ends. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I hope this reality might encourage you to read on further.

If you're the timid spouse, it's time to get over your fear and take control of your life. If you don't speak up for your financial needs and wants in your marriage, the bitterness will consume you over time, and you will begin to act out in unproductive ways, such as sneaking money from the family accounts by getting cash back for grocery purchases, which is, in reality, laundering money to avoid confrontation.

To both spouses: Managing your anger through silent submission, ineffective fighting and blaming, or removing yourself emotionally from your spouse just leads to more and more emotional distancing--including in the bedroom.

Who wants the longings of their heart outweighed by cold hard cash? It's time to redistribute the weight on those scales in a radical way. But how should couples communicate about such a difficult topic?

Let's start with a few basics.

Approach one another when one or both of you recognize an issue is emerging. Don't wait until you explode. Simply state your concern without sarcasm or disapproval: "I'm upset because I see XYZ happening and that worries me for the following reasons."

If you can't clearly explain your concerns, spend some time figuring out why you're upset before your broach the topic. If you can't explain it to yourself, honestly, how is your spouse supposed to get it?

Give each other time to consider possible solutions. Setting your concern out there is a great, but don't expect that move on your part to end the entire issue, and don't expect a solution immediately. Maybe your spouse has to think it over, and maybe s/he doesn't agree with a solution you might have proposed. A few days to a week is usually sufficient for this mulling over process, unless a major life change is involved.

Now, work together to create and institute a plan you can both live with. Both partners can learn to address finances fairly and openly, and thus win in their marriage. Don't let the lure of cold, hard cash outweigh the duties of the heart.

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Is money really a big issue in marriage? Maybe you've heard these money sayings or maybe at one time have even said them yourself: "Money doesn't grow on trees", or "Money is the root of all evil" or "Time is Money". There are some who hold fast to the saying "Money is Power". Money is a BIG part of life whether you are engaged, newlywed or married beyond newlywed. No matter how long husbands and wives have been married, people tend to "bump" heads when it comes to money. Some husbands and wives quit talking to each other when it comes to money because they argue instead of talking. The person who is managing the money may think it is easier to carry the burden of the marital finances in order to keep the peace. What is the mystery behind money? In all fairness it is not a mystery, it is more common sense and people are CHOOSING to AVOID what they know they should be doing.

Reasons Why Money is a BIG issue in Marriage:

1) On some level to every person, money represents security. When a husband and wife have not discussed what is important to them when it comes to money and someone loses a job, then security is jeopardized. Think about how many people possessed the American Dream and once the economy went into a recession people began losing jobs which affected their ability to pay their bills and even their mortgage. Once the mortgage got so far behind and they couldn't catch up they received a couple of warnings to catch up and eventually they got a notice about being foreclosed on. Now not only did this affect the person who was managing the money but everyone living in the household. For many women, money represents security, being able to take care of their family and leaving a legacy. When security has been compromised, that does not make anyone feel safe.

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2) Most marriages have a money manager and the other person has no knowledge of what is happening in the marital finances. Let's face it, the money manager is usually the person that has good administrative skills, doesn't need to be reminded when to pay the bills and has a goal in mind when managing the money. The problem that seems to creep up over and over again in this situation is that the money manager is literally carrying the weight of the world on his or her shoulders and not sharing with the spouse when there is financial decision that needs to be made. Finances in marriage impact the husband, wife and children if there are children. Therefore, the money manager needs to involve the other person and not just once a month. In the beginning, they should engage the other spouse at least twice a month so they are aware of what is happening with the finances. Consequently if something happened to the money manager, the other person wouldn't even know how to pay the bills to include HOW they pay the bills (phone, internet or even mailing a check).

3) Feeling the need to keep up with the Joneses. Let me let you in on a secret about the Joneses: They are up to their neck in bills and late notices. They are also fighting behind closed doors. However they have figured out the difference in Public Finances and Private Finances. In public, they represent having it all together, driving the latest cars, wearing the finest of clothes and acting as if they are all lovey dovey. When they are in private, they can't lie to themselves. They have to look at themselves in the mirror. This is when they are faced with late notices, the phones are ringing off the hook with calls from collectors. You are on the outside seeing exactly what they want you to see - not the truth. You are witnessing some of their best acting outside of their home. Give them their Oscar. The Joneses only have to pay their bills and not yours. You are the only ones responsible for your household bills, LIVE accordingly.

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Adding social intelligence and wonderful relationship skills are a key in a successful marriage. Many problems can come from not loving and showing respect to your mate. Many people that love their significant others, just do not know how to show it to their mate. Many people get frustrated and say things they really do not mean when they are mad. Having the five relationship skills we are going to cover will help you deal with stress and anger in your relationship.

The first thing you need to do is decide you are committed to your marriage. Without becoming truly 100% committed to your marriage, nothing will work, no matter how hard you try.

You must practice the skill of forgiving your significant other to route the entire marriage. When people are dating, they always put their best foot forward. When you get married, things will change and become different. You cannot expect your significant other to continue doing as they were while you were dating. You must forgive each other for deceiving one another. This one simple task of learning to forgive each other for what has happened will save much time and argument in your relationship.

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You must learn to how to speak your true feelings in a nice and respectful way. Degrading or calling your significant other nasty names is not a way to communicate. If you when your wife exchange cars for a day and she returns your car almost empty on gas, you do not need to think yourself I will get her back next time and do the same. Instead, you should try and say to her nicely that you would appreciate it if she fill your car up with gas the next time she noticed it was getting low. You must offer the same in return and always do it for her.

Learning how to be courteous to your significant other is a key skill you want to develop. Always show respect to your wife or husband by being genuine and courteous. Do not then your anger on to your spouse anytime for any reason. Make sure you tell him or her at least one nice compliment each and every day. Make it a unique complement about their personality, not about their looks.

There are two words you want to eliminate from your vocabulary immediately. These words are always and never. You usually use these and statements such as you never do this and you always do this. These usually come out in the form of anger and are not useful in any situation. Make sure to eliminate these from your vocabulary right away.

Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.