What someone may find, if they were to reflect on their life is that it is normal for them to more or less always be on the go. So, from the moment that they wake up, until the moment they go to bed, they could generally be doing something.

And, even when they go on holiday, that’s if they do have holidays, they could see that this is a time when they are practically always doing something and/or thinking about what they should be doing. Now, this could be how they have lived for as long as they can remember.

Inner Conflict

At this point in time, part of them could have had enough of living in his way, believing that there is more to life than being stuck on a treadmill. This part of them may want to slow down or at the very least, spend more time relaxing.

At the same time, another part of them could feel comfortable living in this way and not want their life to change. For this part of them, this could be seen as the right way to live and it could do what it can to stop them from changing their behaviour.

External Feedback

When it comes to this part of them, it is likely to be easy for them to find people who will provide validation. They may live in a society that is very much focused on the doing, with their being very little if any focus on the being.

By spending a lot of time on the go and doing things, they could receive a lot of validation from others. If living in this way has allowed them to achieve a certain level of ‘success’, they could even be seen as a model citizen.

External Focus

This will then be a society that is primarily focused on appearances and how well someone appears to be doing. So, if they have a lot of money, a big house and a fancy car, for instance, they can be seen as having ‘made it’.

As to whether this person is actually happy and fulfilled, well, that might not be considered. However, even if they have been able to attain some or all of these things, another part of them won’t be happy.

Dominated

But, before they arrived at the point when they decided that they no longer want to live in this way, there may have been moments when this crossed their mind. Thanks to the part of them that did, this part of them would have soon been outmuscled and suppressed.

Due to the strength that this part of them had, they wouldn’t have been able to change their life. Now, though, the part of them that was weaker will be stronger and it will be able to have an effect on their life.

The Driving Force

When they think about slowing down and no longer spending so much time doing things, they could end up experiencing a lot of discomfort. If they were to stay with this, they might end up fearing that they will be rejected and abandoned and shame could arise.

What this will illustrate is that they believe that if they don’t act like a human doing, they will no longer be accepted and loved by others. Their worth and lovability will then depend on what they do, not on who they are.

One Outlook

One way of looking at this would be to say that this is irrational as there is no way that they would end up being cast aside if they no longer worked as much and allowed themselves to just be from time to time. Based on this view, it will be necessary for them to change their ‘negative’ thoughts and ‘irrational’ beliefs.

As they change what is taking place up top, in their mind, they will be able to settle down and live a more balanced life. Then again, this approach might not work and, even if it does; it might simply repress the material that has entered their conscious awareness.

A Different View

Another way of looking at what is going on for them would be to say that it is totally rational, that’s if their developmental years were taken into account. This may have been a time in their life when they were not given unconditional love and it wasn’t made clear both directly and indirectly that they have inherent worth.

Instead, they may have been given conditional love, and even this type of love would not have been real love. During this stage of their life, they may have only been given attention, acceptance, and approval if they did what their caregivers wanted.

A Cold Existence

If they dared to go against this and even if they did do what they wanted, they may have still been ignored, isolated and mistreated. A time in their life when they needed to receive the right emotional nutrients in order to grow and develop would have been a time when they had to give and jump through their caregivers hoops.

Quite simply, they would have been forced to earn their caregivers attention, acceptance and approval. This would have caused them to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them and their needs, to believe they were unlovable, and rarely if ever having their developmental needs met would have caused them to experience a lot of pain.

The Truth

Ultimately, there is nothing inherently wrong with them or their needs. Furthermore, it wasn’t that their caregivers chose not to love them unconditionally because they were unlovable; it was because they were simply unable to love them.

Most likely, they were also brought up by caregivers who were unable to love them unconditionally. By receiving conditional love and not taking the steps to heal their emotional wounds and accessing their own love, they ended up treating their child/children in the same way.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author of 25 books, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over two thousand, eight hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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