How to Manage Commitments, Demands, and Desires

I’d like you to meet Sam. I’m introducing you because Sam wants some important changes to occur in his life and he keeps failing to get them. He wants to be rich and he’s not. He wants to be in a loving relationship and he’s not. He wants to be free and he’s not. Sam doesn’t know it yet but the reason he keeps failing to get the things he desires is that he’s stuck in a conflict between his Commitments, Demands, and Desires. Since we all suffer from this same conflict to one degree or another, allow me to share more about Sam and how he can end this conflict and create the change he’s longing for.

Sam is in his late thirties, single, and lives in an ultra hip part of San Francisco. He’s highly eclectic and it’s sometimes hard for the rest of the world (and even Sam) to define exactly who he is and what he does. For his profession, he performs a variety of things including web designer, musician, photographer, and account executive. He’s also a dedicated tri-athlete, loves to go clubbing, and has a passion for buying vintage cars and fixing them. But underneath the surface, if you really get to know Sam, you’ll learn that he constantly struggles with these themes in his life:

• He wants to be rich and he’s not. He thinks about money issues constantly. He never seems to have enough money. He’s over his head in debt. When he does have money, it flows in sporadically. Next week, he could get a project windfall and his money woes will be solved for a few weeks or months; then it’s famine time again.
• He wants to be in a loving relationship and he’s not. If you ask him, he can describe his dream relationship in vivid detail. Sam wants to be married and eventually have kids but, for the past many years, he hasn’t been in any real relationship and he dates around exhaustedly looking for Ms. Right.
• He wants to be free and he’s not. Freedom for Sam represents the ability to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. At the same time, he strives to avoid getting bogged down in projects, details, relationships, and commitments that drain him of time and energy. I imagine too that, at a deeper level, freedom for Sam means feeling inwardly free while he’s living his life, yet today his thoughts are consumed with fear and anxiety and regret.

So Sam constantly struggles with these three issues – money, relationships and freedom – and we can all relate to them at some level. Yet each of these problems is really about one thing: Sam suffers from internal conflicts between his Commitments, Demands, and Desires. If Sam truly wants to experience the life he says he desires, he first has to make peace with himself and end this conflict.

Commitments
Commitment is what is. Your life is a reflection of your commitments. Commitment is the trait of sincere and steadfast fixity of purpose to someone or something. Commitment is all-powerful. Commitment creates awareness, directs energy, and inspires action. Over time, commitments, positive or negative, become habits. Habits create destiny. What are you committed to? You can gauge your level of commitment by measuring the amount of time and energy you invest in any relationship or activity. Commitment is not a measurement of what you desire. You may say you’re committed to something. You may like to think you’re committed to something. But quit fooling yourself. You can tell exactly what you’re committed to by looking at what actually is in your life right now. For example, if I ask Sam, “Sam, what are you committed to?” Sam might say, “I’m committed to being rich, free, and in love.” However, as I’ll show you, and as hard as it might be for Sam to accept at first, what he’s really committed to is being broke, single, and bound.

Demands
Demand is what should be. The demands in your life are a big mountain of "should." You should do this and you should not do that. Demands come at us from many different levels. First, there are your own demands: “I should be working instead of surfing the web.” You don’t necessarily desire to be working, but that little voice in your head is telling you to get back to work. Yet more often than not, our own demands are really demands that we’ve accepted from others, consciously or not. There are the demands of your family: “Sam, you should be married by now. You’re almost 40!” The demands of your friends: “Sam, you should be rich by now. Look at Kyle! He just bought a new Maserati!” And then the demands of the society in which you live. These societal demands are often tricky to spot at first. They bombard you from all directions in language, arts, culture, advertising, education and more. They are all-pervasive and very, very powerful: “You should go to college so you can get a good job.” “You should follow this religion so you’ll be a good person.” “You should buy this perfume so you’ll feel happy and sexy.” “You should get a flu shot because it’s the safe thing to do.” On and on it goes. It takes courage to look at the shoulds being thrown at you and take a stand on what’s true and in alignment for you, even if it goes against the demands of your family, friends, and society at large.

Desires
Desire is what you want. Desire provides the fuel for change. Desires are natural and can be wonderful. A clear heart-felt desire powers new commitments in your life. In turn, these new commitments create the change and improved conditions you seek. Desires can also be a tremendous burden. Desire itself is not the root of suffering. But unfulfilled desire certainly is. And the catch is that a desire can easily grow to become insatiable. Our “bad” habits – cravings, addictions, and compulsions – both physical and mental, all stem from the root of unfulfilled desire. Often too, we are confused by our own desires. We want to be in a loving relationship but we secretly wish we could also be single and date around. Or we want to be in good health but we also want to eat the food we’ve always loved. We want to be rich but we spend our time watching TV. On and on it goes, self-conflicted and wounded by our own desires.

A Picture of Happiness
If your commitments are what is, your demands are what you believe should be, and your desires are what you want, how in the heck do you attain any happiness? Happiness , in essence, is an alignment between what is, what should be, and what you want! The picture below represents a life lived at the convergence of all three zones:

But when you’re out of alignment – when there’s conflict between what is, what you want, and what you believe should be – you suffer. This makes sense. How can you possibly get more of what you want when you’re a house divided against itself? How can you move forward when your commitments conflict with your desires and demands? And you’ll continue to suffer until you reconcile any misalignment and make a commitment to live in the center zone. Of course – and here’s the tricky part – the reason you’re suffering in the first place is that you haven’t yet been able to make a commitment to live in that zone and so you continue to suffer. So how do you do that? How do you make a new commitment that brings you closer to your demands and desires and aligns all three?

How to Heal Your Life
The etymological origin of the word “heal” refers to wholeness, completeness, unity. In this context, you’re going to heal your life by creating a unity between your commitments, demands and desires. I need to say up front that this takes a lot of hard work and courage. Here’s how you can do it:

Recognize What You’ve Been Committed To

Look around at your life and relationships. Everything you’re experiencing right now is a reflection of your commitments. What are you committed to? An apartment or a mansion? A girlfriend or a wife? Stress and fear or peace and happiness? Wealth or impoverishment? Health or sickness? It all points back to your commitments and here’s the kicker…. every commitment brings its own benefits. Even the ones we want to change.

Let’s use Sam again as an example. Sam says he wants to be rich, happily married, and free but his commitments show that he’s broke, single, and feels bound by his life conditions. The first step Sam should take is to ask himself, “What am I really committed to? Not what I say I want or what people tell me I should do or want, but what really is in my life today?” The next step is self-inquiry on the benefits his commitments deliver today. In Sam’s case, being self-employed and single allows him to be creative and have a sense of ownership over his own time. He loves to spend hours each day training for the next triathlon, then maybe following his inspiration to write some music, do a creative project or “hunt” the next date – each day is different and that’s very valuable to Sam. In fact, when you get down to brass tacks, his commitment to “time freedom” is more powerful than his desire to have more money and be in a relationship. The shoulds come from his peers and his parents and society: “Sam, you’ve got to get serious and build a nest egg.” “Sam, you should settle down with one woman.” “Sam, you need to focus on one thing to be successful.” On and on the inner and outer dialogue runs.

Not recognizing where he’s truly committed creates a double-edged sword: Sam says he values freedom when, in reality, he still feels bound because he spends considerable time fretting about money, love, and career. He’s created a zone of physical freedom with mental and emotional bondage. Sam’s divided against himself and he’ll never attain what he says he desires until that conflict ends. Once it does, he’ll have “it” (whatever it may be) faster than he could have imagined.

The right approach is to recognize and accept what benefits you get from your current commitments and then decide if you truly want to make a new choice. You don’t have to make a new choice. You don’t have to do what you “should do.” You’re ultimately responsible for your own life and perhaps, if you think about it, your current life is pretty sweet after all?

Sam for example, could free up tremendous energy by simply stating the truth, “Right now, I value my time freedom more than I value my money, relationships, and career and the benefits I get from that choice are the ability to enjoy my time, be involved in creative projects, meet new people, and explore different things." I might never be rich and it's OK!"

On the other hand, if Sam continues to strive for what he should do, there’s not any power or commitment behind that desire and any new choices will ultimately fizzle out. He’ll never be truly free listening to the demands because his mind is constantly racked by what he should do, which conflicts with what is and what he wants.
So first accept what is and find the benefits and power in your current commitments. Then decide if you’re truly ready for something new. If not, accept and appreciate what is and let go of the demands and desires that don't serve you.

Make a Bold Choice

Whatever you decide – to keep the status quo or choose something new – be bold in your commitment. Make it. Do it. Choose it. There’s nothing stopping you from realizing your commitments other than the power you give to any conflicting demands or desires. Reflect on your life up to this point and notice how, when you’re truly committed to something, you experience it? As Goethe said, “Boldness has magic and power and genius in it.” So make your choice and be bold in your resolve.

Why is it hard to be resolved and follow through on new commitments? It’s because you’re holding onto a desire or demand that conflicts with the commitment! There’s no way to sugar-coat this or make it easy: if you’re truly committed to something, you’ve got to let go of whatever is in the way.

Let Go Gracefully

Why do you need to let go of desires and demands that conflict with your commitments? Well, if you want to bring a new bed into your room, you'll first have to get rid of the old bed. If you want to create a change in your life, you first have to let go of what’s taking up its space. You can’t be in two places at once and you can’t be two people at once. The hard part of healing your life is letting go of what you’ve been holding onto. It might be a thought or a belief, a relationship or a job. Whatever it is, it will take the form of a conflicting desire, demand, or a contradictory commitment and it must shift. This can be incredibly scary. It may be that a lifetime investment in a career or a marriage is no longer serving your new commitment. It may be that the way you’ve defined yourself your whole life needs a complete overhaul. My sincere encouragement here is to find ways to let go gracefully. The human journey is one of learning, growth, and ultimately healing. By letting go of the conflicts gracefully, you honor what’s most vulnerable in you and in others.

Take Small Actions Consistently

Small daily actions born of your commitment create new habits. These are those little habits that start out weak and constantly grow stronger over time. Ultimately it is your habits that form your destiny. In order to take small actions consistently, you need to maintain the alignment in the three areas of your life. If not, you create friction; the internal energy cost will be greater than the output and you’ll fail (see the Physics of Success).

In Sam’s case, if he does decide that he’s truly committed to having financial prosperity, he’ll first need to let go of those conflicting demands and desires. He’ll need to cut back on the shopping, stop using credit cards, make a daily effort to drive new business, ask for assistance, etc. The key will be to look for small victories. Doing a little better each day is superior to doing one big push for something. Consistent, small actions are incredibly powerful. In a few months, Sam will have the financial prosperity he’s seeking, dependent upon his level of commitment.

Heal Broken Commitments

It is hard and satisfying work to shift an old habit into a new commitment. And the fact is that you’ll break many commitments on your journey. When this happens, the right action is NOT to bemoan, guilt, shame, and belittle yourself. When you do this, you create a cycle of Commitment > Broken Commitment > Guilt > Anger > Re-Commitment. Many of us are actually addicted to this cycle and it shows up really strongly when our desires and demands run counterproductive to our stated commitments. Instead, when you break a commitment, do this:

1. Apologize for breaking the commitment
2. Acknowledge the impact that it has caused
3. Make a new commitment

When you follow these three steps, you can help yourself bypass the Guilt > Anger phase and more quickly get back on the path of your commitment. Be committed but also be easy on yourself and extend that same courtesy to others too.

Summary and Action Steps

Your life is a reflection of your commitments. Your suffering is a reflection of the inherent conflict between what you do, what you want, and the expectations of others and yourself. If you want to have more ease, joy, and satisfaction, then make peace with yourself and end the conflict.

So how do you get started aligning your commitments? Clarity is the first step. If you're not sure where to begin, take the free interactive course '7 Days to Align Your Life for Success'. By completing the course you'll get clearer on your Life Purpose, Unique Talents, Contribution to Others, Core Values, and a Positive Vision for our Planet. When you're done, you'll have a foundation on which you can better manage your multiple commitments and experience greater ease, joy, and power across the board. You can get started here: http://www.LexSisney.com/align-your-life.