How To Talk To Husband About Marriage Problems: How To Start A Difficult Conversation With Your Husband

How To Talk To Husband About Marriage Problems: How To Start A Difficult Conversation With Your Husband

Did you know that when things get tense in a relationship, it is human nature to bring in a third person do calm yourself down? When everything is lovely in a marriage, we're often content to keep details just between our partner and us. But when tension rises, we have a tendency to pull in the first available person to listen to our countless woes.

Sometimes including a third party such as a therapist can be a great resource for a couple. But when one person in a marriage constantly relies on friends and family to vent about his or her spouse, these actions only increase the emotional distance between them and their partner. The twosome becomes a three party issue, sometimes referred to as an emotional triangle, and it can become more and more difficult to bring thoughts and concerns back to where they belong, which is between a person and his or her spouse.

Here are some of the most common people you might be tempted to "triangle" into romantic relationships. Which ones are your "go-to" third parties?

1. Your children. Children should never have to carry the weight of the conflict in a marriage, but they are often the first person a spouse turns to when complaining about a husband or wife. When a mother or father turns to their children to be the confidants for the secrets of the marriage, the other spouse is left feeling on the outside. This only increases the amount of conflict or emotional distance in the marriage, and it can create anxiety or "acting out" behaviors in the child, who feels overwhelmed by the emotional intensity.

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2. Your Best Friend. Your best friend should know everything about your marriage, right? You might want to think again, if you're constantly turning to a close friend to vent about your husband's emotional aloofness or your wife's irrational worries. Any friendship built on complaining about other people is not much of a friendship to begin with.

3. Your parents. Television and movies often make jokes about the mother-in-law being the third person in a marriage, always defending her son or daughter when they have an argument in their spouse. But it's no joking matter when this alliance prevents equal and honest communication from happening. It's difficult for any member of your family to be objective about your spouse when you constantly turn to them to share the negative and never the positive.

4. Your coworkers. Everyone knows that one person at the office whose spouse is a constant source of comedic relief in the break room. Letting off steam to your coworkers may be a quick way to bond with them, but addressing marital issues at work rather than in the relationship will only lead to increased distance or conflict between you and your significant other.

How do you escape these patterns? The easiest way is to start paying attention to your habits and direct your thoughts back to your one-to-one relationships. If you have an issue with your partner, then direct it back to them. Every relationship in your life will benefit from these practices, because relationships that are not built on blaming or gossiping or criticizing others are the ones that will stand the test of time. A friendship or a romance built on complaining about a third person will only make you more anxious and more stressed as an individual.

Fortunately, not all triangles are unhealthy! Enlisting a therapist to help direct the communication between the two of you can help you bring your relationship to a level that is more open, honest, and equal. Having a third party to help you decide when to share with each other and how to share with each other will decrease the temptation to bring anyone and everyone into the twosome.

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1. Addictions

Not all addictions are substance based. While drug and alcohol addiction is an incredibly hard situation to manage and try to control in a relationship with one participant behaving in such a manner, relationships containing two parties who choose to participate in these types of addictions are extremely volatile. Other addictions such as pornography, sex, strange fetishes, even the addiction to needing to be clean or having things a certain way all the time, can wear on a relationship. It's important for the parties involved to realize that loving someone also means helping them get better when they feel trapped and faced with addictions. Be supportive and try to help your partner find help. Addictions, for the most part, can sometimes be overcome with time, love and care.

2. Infidelity

Lack of communication or poor feelings within a marriage may foster feelings of resentment for your partner or vice versa. In this situation, it is often likely that one party will choose to commit an act of infidelity. There are many types of infidelities but it is usually fairly clear within the boundaries of each unique relationship, which actions qualify as infidelity or not. Secrets, cheating, lying, stealing, abuse or other types of infidelity can often permanently damage a relationship. It is important to value and honor your partner's trust, just as you would want them to honor yours.

3. Inattention

Just as too much attention to your partner can make them feel overwhelmed and as if they have very little privacy, not paying any attention to your spouse can be just as damaging. Don't let your relationship slip in to the doldrums. While every relationship may hit a slow phase, you should always want to create something new and exciting between you and your partner, even if it is something simple. If you let your partner languish alone while you spend time going out all the time with friends or clinging to your family, you may end up alienating the person who is supposed to be your 'best friend'. Do not let that happen! Communicate with your spouse today and make sure they understand that you desire to be involved and included in activities with you, no matter how menial.

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4. Lavishness

Lavishness? Well that sounds a bit silly doesn't it? What does it mean when you or your partner is being to 'lavish'? Sometimes, we tend to cling to the things in life that are material and don't mean all that much in the relationships we carry with others. When we choose to spend more money and time fascinated with objects, things and possessions than we do the ones we love, we cause a breach of trust, friendship and love between each other. Owning nice things together is great and fine, but overspending on a consistent basis and taking luxurious trips regardless of a budget, is disrespectful of your partner and shows that you don't appreciate the hard work that went into obtaining those items. Becoming lavish can wear on the other partner if they are generally not into spending lots of money on expensive things, or are frugal.

5. Abuse

Abuse, whether physical or verbal, is unacceptable in any form. If you are the victim of abuse in your marriage, the best thing you can do is to leave, no matter how hard that may be, or what kind of support you are receiving from your spouse. There are multiple places for spouses of abuse to go in the event that they have no family or friends to rely on, which may often be the case. Abuse victims are often ostracized from their other contacts in order for the abuser to gain more control over the victim. If you are being abused, don't try to tell yourself that things will get better. Abuse, without proper correction and monitoring by a psychiatric or legal professional, will not improve. If your spouse is not visiting one of these doctors or other experts (or is, and it's not helping) you must leave as soon as you can. This sadly, is a very common problem in marriages, where many people are ashamed or indoctrinated into not speaking about what happens behind closed doors. Your safety is a priority.

These are a few things that may cause rifts in relationships and marriages, but overall the majority of them can be overcome. If you have the will and the drive to speak to someone about the issues in your marriage and can remain an unbiased third party, it may be possible to eliminate some of the feelings of hesitancy, betrayal or anger that you may be feeling in your marriage.

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Marriage is sacred. The experience of being married could be divine or it could be frightening. Marriage gives you strength. Your better half compliments your personality and makes you complete. It may also stagnant your growth and make you feel drained. It is important for everyone to figure out the reason for getting married, right time and manner to get married. One must ponder on these three issues before giving the nod for marriage. Here are few tips that will be useful for eligible aspirants who want to get married.

1. Get married when you are ready for it, not when others want you to get married. Be firm about your decision. In India, as soon as a girl crosses the age of 18 and a boy reaches the age of 21 their parents and relatives begin the search for prospective groom. The search becomes intense with every passing year. Over 75% women become a first-time mother before the age of 25 years. It appears as though getting married is the only objective of their existence. Just get married whether you know each other or not or whether you love each other or not. They believe that everything will become alright after marriage. One must remember that for your parents, siblings, relatives and friends, your marriage is just an event to celebrate and enjoy. They will not come to solve your problems.

2. Be certain about your reasons for getting married. If you are getting married because you are running out of age and wants to have kids then think again. People believe that as they get older it will become difficult to get a suitable match for them or they carry the syndrome of a biological clock. Marriage is much more than having sex and kids. If this is your reason for getting married then think again.

3. Keep it simple and sweet. Don't get into debt. Your marriage is not an occasion to flaunt money. India is still in the grip of dowry system. Families spend millions in their marriages. We recently heard of a marriage that costs over 100 million USD. Marriage is not about money. Marriage is about acceptance, respect, love and understanding. Keep it simple.

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4. A Select place for your honeymoon diligently and carefully. If you search for a word "Honeymoon Video" on any Search Engine, you will get thousands' of leaked videos. Many hotels and motels are notorious about placing recording camera's in rooms that they lent out to honeymoon couples. Many times couple try to record their personal moment via mobile camera without knowing the risk of it getting leaked. Be careful. Don't make your expression of love turn into a horror.

5. Trust each other. Don't let any third person (be it your family, parents, relatives or friends) influence your relation. In India, siblings and parents of your spouse and sometimes friends try to interfere and influence your relation. They guide you to do or not to do things. They try to take control of your relation. Don't let anyone come between you. Take your own decisions. Make your own mistakes and learn. Always remember that every couple has a different story and no two couples are same. Today, trust each other and give your best to the relation, future will take care of itself.

6. Stand for each other. Protect each other. Avoid arguments and disagreements in public. Do not criticize one another in public. Accept imperfections of each other. People will point out imperfections of each other. People will misinterpret and misrepresent several things. Protect each other and stand together while facing external criticism or disparagement. You might dislike and disagree on few things but don't show it in public. Your disagreements shall not come out from your bedroom.

7. Confide and share everything that might affect the present and future of your relation. While I don't advocate the philosophy of sharing everything with your spouse and sometimes you need to make few decisions. There will be times when you need to keep your personal life different from your profession; however, it is important to share all those events or activities with your spouse that might carry a positive or negative impact on your present or future.

8. Have kids when you want to have not when others want you to have. Your parents, siblings and relatives might be interested in playing with your kids; however, you need to raise your kids. You need to make certain that your kids get a good education and an environment of safety, learning and growth. Therefore, you must have kids when you want to or when you are prepared not when others want you to have.

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9. Don't carry forward your arguments and disagreements to next day. Resolve them today before going to sleep. Individuals can have a difference of opinion. Sometimes they do argue and disagree. Don't carry your remorse for a long period of time. Talk to one another. Explain your point of view and agree to make a conclusion. Silence and assumptions have killed many relations. Communicate often. Speak up your mind. Don't let the gap between two of you become enlarge that it becomes difficult to reconcile.

10. Change, if any, let it be slow and natural. Many a time we expect overnight change. We expect spouses to be fully aware of responsibilities from the very first day of marriage. This is not going to happen. Let your spouse remain the person that you have loved. Don't change them. Let the change, if required, be natural and slow.

11. Share your problems; don't let out your professional or external frustration or irritation on your partner. Sharing your problems or concerns with your spouse is a good idea; however, don't let out your workplace frustration or failure on your partner. Don't fight with them if your boss has scolded you in the office or if you have been scolded for something by your superiors. Don't punish your partner for your professional failure where they have no role to play. Don't let anything affect your relation. Your spouse is your strength; don't treat them like a punching bag or a doormat.

12. Love each other without reason and occasion. Show that you care. Love is not sex. Love is acceptance, understanding, and care. Say, "I Love You" to each other as often as possible. Don't wait for a reason or an occasion to acknowledge your love. Care for each other and be with each other when it matters the most.

Marriage is a relation which is constructed on the foundation of love, respect, trust and a passion for being with each other for rest of the life. Believe in yourself and believe in your partner. Don't let the love in your relation die at any stage of your life. In a long run, as you grow old, nothing and no one will matter to you more than your spouse. Being happily married is work-in-progress.

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