How To Make My Husband Love Me And Respect Me More: Revving Up The Romance In Your Marriage

Romance - much to the surprise of love-struck daters - is one of those priorities in marriage that is frequently neglected. Couples don't intend to forget, but it's just that there are so many other pressing matters we face. Those who find a way to be intentional about romance will have a stronger, more satisfying marriage.

Talk About Love

One of the quickest ways to get the romance juices flowing is to remind each other of past special moments. Romantic trips, special surprises or favorite dates can help both couples recall the spontaneity and passion experienced in the past. Laughter together helps as well.

Couples need to take the time to talk and listen to one another. It can be far too easy to go through a day without any personal communication. In fact, try to go to bed at the same time if there's any way you can arrange it. Those who take even ten to fifteen minutes before sleep to talk will almost invariably feel reconnected.

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Don't Just Talk

It's great to remember the romance of the past (indeed it is!), but couples need to take current initiative as well. Limiting conversation to past enjoyment can make the couples feel as if they are mourning the relationship. Instead, marriage should be celebrated every day.

Authentic romance doesn't need to be a grand or elaborate event. Those can be great, but several small gestures can make an equal impact.

The Little Touches

When couples want to initiate romance, they can start by being nice. Offer each other words of kindness or sincere compliments. Be sure to say thank you, especially if one does something nice. Love notes, unexpected phones calls or small surprises brighten the day and warm the heart.

Building the Romance

Once each person is more comfortable with the buds of romance, it is time to encourage a more full blown effort. A trip or even a special date may allow the couple time to enjoy each other without interruption.

No matter how big the plans are, you both need to be flexible. Flights get canceled and kids get sick. Sometimes the best moments happen when you have to improvise. Depending on the circumstances, a bucket of chicken while you sit on a blanket in the living room can be just as fun - perhaps even more memorable - as a lobster dinner.

When romance has been left unattended, it may be hard to know where to start. There are no rules for romance - you simply need to help each other feel special. It takes a little effort and ingenuity, but really not all that much.

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It's so exciting to plan a new marriage! You are full of plans and expectations. Your marriage isn't going to be like that of "other people" - those statistics of love lost, divorce and pain. You are always going to keep it fresh and new and stay in love.

You make wonderful plans for your wedding. You get all the arrangements made and things come off without a hitch.

What a great beginning. Surely your marriage will forever be like this.

You go on your honeymoon and that just reinforces everything you believed before. This is going to be the greatest marriage ever.

And yet, after the honeymoon ends, life begins.

You may be the most devoted couple in the world. You may communicate great, and things may go very smoothly for a year or two.

But then you begin to have doubts about the "married lifestyle." Is this what you really wanted?

Spending every day with the same person for years makes for a lot of basic routines and can even be, eventually, tedious and boring.

If you aren't careful letting things go down that road can drag your relationship down and leave you both very unsatisfied.

Then what do you do?

It may feel disappointing to you after the spontaneous fun and joy of dating that you actually have to plan life together! But that's exactly what you have to do.

You have to take some basic steps to keep your marriage fresh, or it will go... well, sour.

1. Have Independent Interests

It is important that each of you still maintain some independent interests, something you each are privately involved in and have some passion for.

This is not a sign of weakness in your bond, but a sign of strength.

It also means you have more to bring to the conversations and to talk about with each other.

If you're always doing all the same things, you won't have anything fresh to talk about.oth always have something interesting, and yes exciting, to say to one another.

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2. Spontaneous Planning

OK that might sound weird. Spontaneous planning? Yes, that's right.

You have to actually plan times to be together and build them into your schedule, otherwise you will never spend any quality time together.

Then, when you have those planned times together, you can be spontaneous together. Mix it up. Try out new things. Go places and have fun.

Maybe take turns choosing the "spontaneous" event.

3. Never threaten to leave or kick the other person out.

In order to stay committed and connected to one another you absolutely have to have one cardinal rule: no threatening!

The problem is it's very difficult to "un-say" things you've already said.

Even if you only threaten to leave or make the other person leave once, it will be remembered forever.

Instead, find a way to express your dissatisfaction that leaves plenty of room for negotiation and fun.

4. Getaways

In order to get re-acquainted with one another, it is often necessary to get away from the daily humdrum routine of life.

Plan a weekend away or something to do that's not at your house or in your regular routine.

It doesn't have to be expensive. Even a trip to the next town over and staying in a motel can be enough of a break to offer new perspectives.

5. Get a little more experimental in the bedroom.

You don't need to buy whips and chains and exotic toys to spice things up a little.

Use your imagination, and sometimes just a simple thing like taking a bath together or making love on the floor instead of in the bed can be enough to bring a new enthusiasm to your lovemaking.

This is up to your imagination and your sense of adventure. Just don't keep things the same all the time!

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Most people want to be in a committed and happy marriage. They can even list characteristics of the relationship and personalities of the partners that "should" make for a happy marriage.

But what does that really mean? Many couples that come in for counseling say they have love, respect, honesty, commitment, and faithfulness (as well as other positive characteristics), but that one or both are just not happy. What makes for a happy marriage?

Much of the time, one primary characteristic that is missing is that of meaningful interaction. Although couples are engaged in all kinds of interaction throughout their normal day, being actively engaged in nurturing or maintaining their relationship is not something that happens a lot. When both parties are feeling important, loved, and secure in the relationship, active attention to the relationship may not feel important. It becomes more important as one or both partners do not "feel" loved or important to the other. The need for active engagement and nurture of the relationship is apparent when a partner complains that they "do not communicate" and do not spend enough "quality" time together

They often already know the problem and presumably how to fix it, but cannot seem to get started with enacting their solution. One of the stumbling blocks to being able to effectively bridge the gap and nurture the relationship is that each individual has made some attempts in his or her own individual way, but felt discouraged when it did not receive the desired response or effect. Each has different communication goals and expectations. They have different ways that they want to be shown love. Their ideas about what they want communicated are different. "Quality time together" means different things to different people.

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Unfortunately, while it seems logical that giving the partner what you want would resolve the problem, it does not. Since the partners want something other than what is being given, they stay frustrated. They are frustrated not only about still not getting what they are wanting but also about trying and not having their efforts recognized by the partner.

Sometimes partners repeatedly tell the other what they want or need to feel loved, appreciated, and important, and the partner will make some brief attempts to comply. When one partner has been trying to communicate his/her needs in an appropriate way and is "rewarded" for the effort with a return to the partner's old behavior, s/he feels more frustrated and angry. To the partner doing the requesting, this means that s/he doesn't care.

The more conflicted that couples become over relationship needs, the more difficult it becomes to solve problems, to neutralize or recover from negative events, and to generate positive feelings and positive assumptions about relationship events. Once the situation has reached this point, couples are most likely to use the exact communication behaviors that guarantee that no change will occur. They often engage in destructive communication patterns where the arguing escalates to a point of anger and verbal violence or to where one partner repeatedly tries to engage and the other repeatedly avoids engagement and conflict.

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Sometimes in order to break out of the negative cycle of conflict and pain, couples must return to the basics, with a step back out of the militarized zone, into basic communication and working on simply being "nice" to each other. Civility and common courtesy toward one's partner can assist in re-establishing at least a neutral emotional tone for your interaction and create an environment conducive to "letting down one's guard and willingness to level with each other.

Simple, basic communication behaviors such as moving from "You" messages to "I" messages can change the whole tone of conversations, reduce defensiveness, and improve the ability to actually "hear" what the other person is saying. Use of active listening and asking clarifying questions also helps to bridge the emotional chasm and restore civility.

As the pervasive mood of hostility and negativity begins to lift, setting aside a regular time for couple communication and nurturing the relationship can be very effective in restoring those positive feelings and marital happiness. Communication exercises such as a Couple's Feelings Meeting or The Honey Jar, a couple's conversation starter, can assist couples with getting into a habit of talking and sharing with each other. When couples are talking and sharing, they are more likely to feel connected, loved, and important to each other. When they feel these positive feelings, they are better able to handle and resolve the inevitable conflicts that arise. When partners can communicate and problem solve, and can resolve emotional relationship differences (including defining "quality time together), they can be happy in their marriage.

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Once you have made the decision to seek the help of a marriage counselor the next step will be choosing one that is right for you. There are several things that you will want to consider when deciding how to choose a marriage counselor. Here is a list of items you will want to think about prior to choosing a marriage counselor.

1. What exactly do you hope to accomplish with the help of a marriage counselor? What are your goals?

2. Does the background of the marriage counselor matter to you? Meaning do you want a counselor that is happily married, divorced, with or without children, experienced in the profession, male or female, in private or group practice, etc. All of these areas may have an impact on how successful your counseling is if you were expecting something different in your counselor.

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3. What kind of commitment are you willing to make to marriage counseling and what does the counselor expect of you? How many sessions per week/month are needed? How long will the sessions last, both individually and duration? What will the marriage counselor expect of you at home?

4. How much will the marriage counseling cost? What is the cost per session and does my health insurance cover this? Do I need to pay after each session or can I be put on a payment plan? How much are you willing to pay for counseling sessions?

5. what is the counselor's educational background? What are his credentials and level of experience in this profession?

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

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