How To Make A Marriage Work After Cheating: How To Save The Marriage After Cheating

For two people to come together and pledge to live together for the rest of their lives it takes commitment and a lot of faith in the love that you share. Faith in that love helps you believe that your spouse will ever be true to you, that they will desire none but you, that they will be fully open to you as you live your lives together. And this would be an ideal situation if at all it happened in every marriage. The sad reality is that it doesn't.

The day things changed

You had a pretty god marriage you say. Your partner loved you and you loved them and gave them all of you. And for some good time everything was as fair as heaven. Then things started to change. They were subtle changes and you barely saw them happen. But you started feeling distant to your partner as if there was a wedge coming between you. And slowly your suspicions grew however much you fought them with the trust you had for your partner. But you had to face that bitter truth that your spouse had cheated on you.

The state you are in is a sorry one but you need to move on

You are broken and hurt. You feel as if the world has crumbled around you and you can?t find the strength to carry on in life. This is because the person who you believed loved you above all others has betrayed you.

This is indeed a sad state of affairs but there is still hope for you; that is if you choose to have hope. It is human to want to wallow in self-misery and have your own pity parties but they will destroy you. You need to understand that staying as you are will kill you on the inside and hurt you more than it would ever hurt your spouse. You therefore need to find it in you to rise up from the betrayal.

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Stop all the negativity and dwelling in the past

One thing you will have to remember is that to error is human. Now the most natural thing for you has been to try and think things through which ends up making you feel more broken. You most likely have thought about some evil things you could do to pay your spouse back for all the hurt they caused you. That is where you stop. When you understand that all that negativity is getting you to dark places and it will make you an evil person. You need to retract from where you are and understand this one thing.

There is only one way out of your misery

Forgiveness is the only thing that will help you move on from the volatile situation you are in. You should not think twice about it. It is hurting, but that is the only way that you will regain your joy of living. It is the only way you will be able to truly smile again, to laugh again, and if you love your spouse enough, the only way you will be able to salvage your marriage. But you have to be willing to make this step. Because you need to remember that to forgive is divine.

The turnaround begins

You need to find a way to let what happened fade into the past and be gone. Clinging to it will keep you exactly where it is, in the past. And staying in the past simply stops you from living your life in the present. There are many counselors and physiotherapists who promise to talk you through it but they can never give you a way out. There are few who have gotten enlightened in ways to help you rescue your marriage. Dr. Max Vogt, a Master Marriage Counselor, has discovered ways to help you and has invaluable resource available to you.

Finding that resource will be your turnaround

You will learn how to truly let go of your baggage of unwillingness to forgive. You must always remember that you love your spouse and deep down inside, you want the best for them. Tap onto this truth and stick with it regardless of what you think you feel. And get that resource to help you rediscover yourself and be free.

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It is a frightening statistic, but the rate of divorce has grown considerably during the past twenty years. Current figures indicate that people who have been married more than three times has risen from 8% to a whopping - and almost unbelievable - 40%.

That's a frightening number for those who start a marriage with intense and passionate love in their hearts. Love certainly can be strong, but it shouldn't be the only foundation in your marriage. Loyalty also plays a critical role in a lasting, thriving marriage.

Cling to Each Other

When people consider marital loyalty, fidelity is the most obvious expression. Two people who choose to be married should always remain loyal to one another. Breaking the bonds of marriage is a sure precursor to its looming demise.

Cheating is a devastating, intentional act that can be almost impossible to recover from. Forgiveness may be extended from the offended person (and "offended" is putting it lightly), but forgetting the betrayal could take a lifetime.

Another important area of loyalty many couples don't consider in advance has to do with extended families. Couples certainly hope that merging families will work out well. If this doesn't take place as desired, however, a spouse needs to be on the side of his/her mate. Parents, siblings and other relatives are all very important to you and your marriage, but your beloved - the person you married - must take priority above all others.

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Long-Lasting Loyalty

Loyalty will be a primary commitment in a strong marriage. Loyalty isn't easy, so it must be nurtured, and couples need to build trust with each other. Clearly, it is difficult to remain loyal to someone who is dishonest and untrustworthy.

Secrets held in marriage can break down the trust and loyalty of your spouse. Hiding the truth about something that can negatively affect your emotional intimacy together. We all know it can be a real strain to talk through difficult personal issues, but facing problems together can strengthen the bonds of loyalty.

Placing Priorities

With everything that goes on in the life of married couples, it is easy to jumble priorities. Clearly, your jobs (or businesses) are important, but in the grand scheme of things they should not be higher on the list than your spouse. So you need to develop an adamant balance between work and time with your loved one.

Busy schedules and huge work loads make it all-too-easy for your spouse to default to one of your lesser priorities. Your partner's needs, feelings and concerns, however, should be front-and-center in your mind and availability. Couples need to work with one another to ensure time together is coordinated with intentionality.

Outside friendships and (as mentioned earlier) extended family members are also important to a fulfilled life. However, balance is important here too. If a spouse is spending more time with friends or family, eventually a sense of neglect is likely to develop in the other.

Your marriage can be filled with love and romance, but even that isn't enough. Couples need to make each other a priority to avoid becoming another ugly statistic, much less experiencing a gratifying marriage relationship. Loyalty can go a long way toward helping a marriage both last and proper for an entire lifetime.

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If you were to say to the man in your life, "Honey, we need to talk about our relationship," what do you think would happen?

If he would answer with something like, "I thought you'd never ask!" or, "I've been dying to share my feelings about our life together, and I especially want to hear how you feel about us and how you want me to change," you are luckier than the vast majority of couples. Most women would expect that their men would get distracted, defensive, irritated, fidgety, roll their eyes, or shut down completely, and most men would feel like they're being punished for a crime they didn't commit. She knows her lines, he knows his, and it always ends up worse than it started. No wonder the five words a man dreads most are, "Honey, we need to talk."

It turns out that men are right; talking about your relationship is more likely to make it worse than better. Talking about emotions calms women because they get a shot of oxytocin, the bonding chemical, even from negative interaction. Men don't want to talk because talking won't make them feel better. In fact, it will make them feel worse - they get pumped with unpleasant-feeling cortisol in conflictive, emotional talk. Men experience more physiological arousal with more blood flow to their muscles when they have negative emotions. It is physically uncomfortable for them to talk, especially when they feel shame, and they are likely to feel shame when you approach them with anxiety or unhappiness.

There's something more powerful than the stereotypical nagging wife and stonewalling husband at work here. It's the same dynamic that seizes both of you when you startle at something on the road while he's driving. He sees your fear as an assault on his charioteering and either puts a chilly wall between you or becomes an angry Ben Hur to show you how aggressively he can drive.

What happens to both of you when you get afraid of his driving and when you want to talk about your relationship is a primal dynamic that is present in all social animals: Your fear stimulates his shame/aggression. Often punished at an early age for showing vulnerable emotions (Big boys don't cry!"), males tend to merge shame and aggression. To avoid the exceeding pain of shame, they become aggressive. That is why "Death before dishonor" is not a phrase associated with women's groups.

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We are also unlikely to hear the phrase, "No woman is an island." Worse than feeling bad for a woman is having no one care that she feels bad. When women talk to each other, they often make connection by exposing vulnerability. If you tell her girlfriend, "I feel sad, lonely, ignored, etc," she hears your complaint as an invitation to move closer and lets you know that she cares. So why can't your husband do it like your girlfriends?

By adulthood, normal male socialization has funneled the shame-aggression response into a dread of failure, particularly as a provider, protector, lover, and parent. Confronted with unhappiness from the woman in his life he feels like he's failing. He feels too inadequate to see the desire for connection that lies beneath her complaints.

Here's a common example. Sarah was nervous about the weight she had put on when she modeled her new dress for her husband. "How do I look?" she asked.

Sensing her nervousness, Scott replied, "How much did it cost?"

This simple exchange in an otherwise loving relationship started a fight about money that quickly expanded to include sex, in-laws, and their relationship. But the fight wasn't about any of those things. Her anxiety about her appearance triggered his shame, which he associated with provider inadequacy - he feels he doesn't make enough money. Of course, his response made her feel like she wasn't worth the cost of the dress. So that night she didn't want to have sex with him. His shame as a lover aggravated, he refused to go with her to visit her parents as they had planned.

This invisible fear-shame dynamic is at the core of a great many relationship problems. The good news is that connection soothes both fear and shame. And that's why you want to talk in the first place, to feel more connected. But it's hard for him to feel connected when he feels like a failure. Had Sarah simply told Scott the truth, that she bought the dress to look good for him, he would have felt valued rather than threatened. And if Scott had felt protective of his wife's anxiety, he would have reassured her, which would have dissipated his feeling of inadequacy.

Always try to connect before you talk about anything emotional. When people feel valued they cooperate; when they feel devalued or threatened, they resist.

The best advice for men is to incorporate small connective gestures into their routine, e.g. "Brush my teeth-kiss my wife. Pour my coffee-pour her coffee, answer work emails-email my love." Be aware of how important she is to you - she provides the meaning of your life, so don't wait to show love for her until she's got her bags packed and ready to walk out the door. Hug her at least six times a day. Surprise her now and then. Help her often.

Women should start conversations with touch. Men need 2-3 times more touching to feel connected. Yes, they like non-sexual touching, as long as they're not sex-starved. Men feel more connected through mutual activities, so try to do things with them. Women report that they have the best talks with their husbands while walking and driving because then he's doing something with you. Understand that he feels connected to you when you are nearby but letting him do his routine. And don't forget sex. Orgasm releases oxytocin and is his only source of the bonding chemical. It increases his desire to be close.

Fortunately, we have powerful internal signals of the fear-shame dynamic. If a woman feels anxious and her man isn't helping, he's probably feeling shame and she needs to make a compassionate connection with him. If a man is feeling hassled or trapped and his woman is making it worse, he can bet that she's feeling fear of isolation or deprivation; he needs to get in touch with how much he cares for her and reassure her. The discomfort they both feel is not something that one is doing to the other. Rather, it is happening to both of them, and together and they can disarm it. Mutually disarming the fear-shame dynamic is the most effective way to achieve the closeness you both want, which is, at heart, a love beyond words.

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In my job as a pastor and counselor, I deal with many unhappy marriages. On average, the husband is usually reluctant to admit that he needs help while the wife is trying to drag him into my office. The male ego takes a blow when he must admit that he has a problem, that there might be something that he can't handle or hasn't the ability to deal with.

But this thinking is all wrong! There is no particular skill set one must have in order to have a happy marriage. It's not about money, talent, or intelligence. A happy marriage does not depend upon these things.

I believe that everyone is capable of having a good marriage. In fact, in the ten years I've counseled and dealt with marriages, I have yet to see one that doesn't have the potential to be happy. It is not a lack of skills, talent, or intelligence that is causing your marriage problems. It may not even be a lack of love.

The problem is that you may not have the necessary tools or knowledge to build a happy marriage. Everyone is capable! It is merely a lack of tools and knowledge. Give a couple the right knowledge and tools, and they can fix most of the issues in their marriage.

For example, let's take a car that needs the engine overhauled. If you have neither the tools nor the knowledge, you personally can't fix it. If you have all the tools, but not the knowledge, you still can't fix it. If you have the knowledge and only a screwdriver, you won't be able to overhaul the engine. It takes both.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

As a counselor and Pastor, I try to give people both the knowledge of how a happy marriage is supposed to be and the tools to achieve it. I don't think that I can actually fix anyone's marriage. I just provide the means for them to do it themselves.

You're capable, but you might just be lacking in some tools and knowledge.

GO TO A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR

Naturally I'm a bit biased in this area. And I prefer a Christian counselor over a secular one. The secular philosophy on a happy marriage is different than a Christian's. That being said, you ought to choose someone that both you and your spouse can trust and allow them to give you the right tools and knowledge.

Don't think that you'll never need advice or help. When you have an emotional stake in a marriage problem you'll not have the aptitude to see the problem clearly. It takes someone who doesn't have an emotional stake in it to give you the right perspective and direction.

Don't fear advice! The Bible teaches us that in the multitude of counselors there is safety (Proverbs 11:14). There is no shame in it and you don't have to feel inadequate or incapable. After all, if you had the right knowledge and tools, you could fix the problem yourself.

STUDY MARRIAGE

At some point, you must believe that marriage is important enough to study. I study marriage. I read books. I listen to sermons on it. I listen to lectures on it. I observe. I ask questions. I want all the resources at my disposal as possible to build my marriage.

The common mistake that most couples make is when things are going good. It is here that they relax, drop their guard, and begin to ignore the marriage. Be on a constant hunt to gain knowledge and tools.

Knowledge brings understanding and understanding brings wisdom. You don't have to be intelligent to get this. In fact, most people confuse knowledge for intelligence. If you want wisdom in your marriage, it starts with knowledge.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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