How To Know If Divorce Is The Answer: How To Decide If Your Marriage Can Be Saved

Every married couple on the planet has ups and downs in their relationship. No matter how many times you look at a couple and think that their marriage is perfect - it is NOT. So, if you're having serious troubles in your marriage, how can you determine whether it's time to throw in the towel and move on or buckle down and wait the storm out? This article discusses how you can decide if your marriage can be saved and the signs you should look for to help you along.

Is the Love Still There?

Obviously, this is a big one. No one wants to or should be in a marriage with someone that they don't love. Often times, no matter how much we love someone - through the struggles, the daily chores and living, jobs and children - it is possible to simply fall out of love with them. If you search deep within yourself and determine whether you are only staying with your husband or wife because you're comfortable with them or if you are truly still in love with them - you can decide if your marriage can be saved or not. If you do still love them and they you, rest assured that love CAN conquer anything. Of course, with that love you need a lot of commitment and determination but it can be done.

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Does Your Partner Have the Commitment?

Unfortunately, the only people we can control are ourselves. You can have all the love in the world for your spouse and you can be totally committed, but if they aren't - the marriage will not work. You cannot have a relationship with one person. If you are the one doing all the trying, all the working and he or she is doing nothing, it's time to find out once and for all what they want. If they simply don't care one way or another (which is what their actions are showing if they are not trying) then it's time to move on. Of course, there is marriage therapy and more but you just can't make someone try to save a marriage.

Take a long, hard look at your marriage and be perfectly honest with yourself - your heart will know whether your marriage can be saved or not. If you have absolutely exhausted all possibilities when it comes to fixing the problems and restoring the good to your marriage, you are not a quitter. You are wise enough to know that you simply can't fix everything and sometimes you have to jump out of the plane before it crashes completely.

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An old rock group "The Beach Boys" had a song where they sang "Wouldn't it be nice?" They were talking about when two people finally were older and could live together and get married, and how nice it would be to wake up together, spend the whole day together and just be together all the time.

A great vision of the future of a relationship, isn't it? And it's really true too, except when it isn't. Marriage can be hard work especially when the going gets tough, and you might even feel like leaving, or getting out of the marriage looks appealing.

But there was a reason you got together in the first place, and it can certainly be rekindled! Millions of couples have done it, and you can too.

Spend a little time not in the heat of emotions and figure out how things got that way, and what can be done to turn the marriage around. Generally it's much simpler and clearer than you think, if you'll approach it calmly and with clear intentions.

The number 1 thing to do right now is to forgive the past.

1. Forgive your partner and yourself

It's normal to have disagreements in marriage. Any time two lively people spend any significant time together, they will run into disagreements.

Do not think that this is a sign of problems or that your marriage is falling apart. I repeat, it's normal.

It's how you deal with disagreements, not whether you have them, that matters.

The biggest thing to remember is to forgive fast and not hold grudges. People say things they regret and then it's hard to take them back. Take it easy on your partner if he's said something stupid. Be kind, say you're sorry if you said something stupid, and move on.

Harbouring grudges never helped a single marriage in the history of the world.

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2. Show respect and be honest.

It's very easy to become lazy in a marriage with your habits or care of one another.

Regularly say thank you and express your appreciation. This goes a long way.

I'm not saying you should bottle up problems. Those need to be brought up too, but in honest and respectful ways.

Think of what would preserve a friendship you have outside of the marriage. Respect, right? Show the same in your marriage.

3. Keep your sense of humor

Don't take yourself too seriously. Laugh at your little quirks. We all have them, and remember to warmly enjoy your unique personality and that of your spouse.

4. Communicate better and don't "read minds."

This is the #1 thing people say is needed in a marriage, but so few people actually do a good job of it.

Here's one of the most important tips I can give you: don't try to read your partner's mind or expect him to read yours.

Don't pout if he doesn't know exactly what you're thinking. Speak it out and ask him to do the same.

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5. Make decisions together.

Here's a little rule of thumb. Any decision that involves $100 or more has to be done jointly. Sure, there are minor things that it's fine to do on your own, but anything that makes demands on your budget, time or energy need to be decided jointly.

Give in as much as you expect to be compromised with. Be careful about wanting to win too much.

Take turns being "right." Marriage isn't a competitive sport, it's a relationship after all.

6. Do the little things.

Remember to compliment one another.

Praise one another.

Give each other affection.

Do little things together and work on enjoying them.

7. Be always vigilant of your love.

Love is not just something you utter once and it's over with.

It needs daily practice, daily consciousness and daily care.

It has been said that people say I love you less often than they floss their teeth, and very few people do a good job of flossing their teeth.

8. Keep sex alive and well

Don't neglect sex, even when you feel tired or not in the mood. Make sure to make love as regularly as possible, and put your whole heart, mind and soul into it. It's one of the bonds that is most important in marriage.

It's not always easy being married. That's why so many marriages fail. But it can be deeply rewarding if you put a little effort into it on a regular basis.

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Often it is the wife who is first to discover there is a problem with the marriage; you know when you do not feel loved. If you find you are telling yourself "I want my husband to love me again" then you need to take action to save your marriage.

With some effort on your part you probably can make your husband love you like he used to when your marriage was new and you were both excited to be around each other.

Chances are that you no longer do the things you used to do; that, combined with other problems that crop up in life can zap the loving feeling right from under most any marriage. Without the proper care and attention, any marriage can quickly become a loveless one.

Here are some ideas you can use once you decide "I want my husband to love me again":

Tip #1: Invite him on a date, regularly.

One of the first things to go by the wayside when people get married, and especially after having children, is the idea of dating. When was the last time the two of you went on a date like you used to when you were courting for marriage?

There have to be dating rules, however, primarily that you do not talk about household problems. If you want to do that after the marriage is back to normal and you are dating often, fine, but for now you need to concentrate on knowing each other and enjoying just being together.

If money is tight then you can go for a walk together, or go to a free museum you both might have interest in - even a car show where the admission is free. Just be sure that you have an opportunity to talk during the time together.

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Tip #2: Buy him a gift.

These do not have to be expensive gifts; maybe a special candy he never gets, or a special coffee. Give the gift for no reason and at random times. The more you can show that you understand him with these gifts the better they will be for rebuilding your relationship and making him feel loved by you.

Some husbands love for their wife cools simply because he does not feel she is attracted to him anymore. Doing something that shows you are attracted to him and that you do care can open up a channel for him to feel it is OK to love you back.

Tip #3: Tell him you love him.

Make sure and tell your husband that you love him. For some reason many women feel they cannot be the one to say it first or to give their man a kiss just out of the blue or invite him to the bedroom. Expecting him to act first all the time is a recipe for disaster.

If you have trouble making him believe you love him then remember what the song says "it's in his kiss"; well, it works the other way around too, "it's in her kiss". Just as you can spot a kiss that does not convey love, so can he.

Tip #4: Try something new.

Marriages fall into a rut quite easily. Think of some way to start a new chapter in your married life (NOT by unilaterally deciding to start a family, though). Maybe you take up bridge together and join a club or start ballroom dancing.

Who knows what you might come up with, but certainly make sure it is not outside his comfort zone. Perhaps you buy a Harley and join a club if that's where his passion is and something you are open to.

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Before we can answer the question does marriage counseling really work it is important to understand the background of marriage counselors. Their training, how and where they practice, their approach to helping couples and individuals, the types of problems or situations they will work with, their specialties, and their professional role.

When looking for a marriage counselor it is important to know what kind of training they have had. Don't be afraid to call their office and ask questions about their educational background, years in clinical practice, success rate and how much continuing education they have had since working in the profession. These are all valid questions and if you are going to put your trust into this person to try and help save your relationship it makes sense that you know who you are dealing with. I would suggest that if a counselors office is not willing to discuss this information or they are offended by the questions then they are hiding something and likely not the best person for the job.

Marriage counselors may work in a variety of settings. Many work in private practice and have established their own offices. Others will work for a medical practice that includes a variety of other medical professionals. The type of setting may not necessarily impact the answer to the question does marriage counseling really work but it is nice to know what to expect.

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Marriage counselors work with couples that are having trouble in their relationships. This doesn't necessarily mean you are headed for a divorce. Many couples seek the help of a counselor long before they get to that point. There may be minor riffs in your marriage or relationship and you want some help in coping with them before they get out of hand. You don't always have to be married to seek the help of a marriage counselor. Couples in long term relationships that aren't married can also benefit from marriage counseling. Counselors may also work with two people that are thinking about getting married. This may help them decide if they are compatible or not. It may also give the couple insight to any problems that they currently have that could jeopardize the success of the marriage.

Marriage counselors should act in a professional manner at all times keeping your best interests at heart. They are there to help you realize the true nature of your relationship problems, to give you advice on how to deal with them, and to establish a plan that can help you save your relationship if it has gotten to that point. Does marriage counseling really work is a question that will be answered when and if you actually use it.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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