How To Heal Marriage From Resentment: Dealing With Resentment In Marriage

Have you ever been hurt by something your spouse said or did? Of course you have! However, if you do not forgive your mate, then that hurt can turn into anger and resentment. This creates a wall of division in your relationship that is difficult to scale. There is a proverb that says an offended brother is harder to win than a walled city. That is not only true about brothers, but also about spouses

How to create walls of anger and resentment

·Dwell on how your spouse has hurt you. Mull it over in your mind until you are thoroughly angry.

·Think about all the ways your mate has wronged you in the past.

·Think of ways to make him/her pay for what they did.

·Bring up the incident over and over.

·Only be willing to forgive after your mate asks for forgiveness.

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How to find peace and healing

·Realize that you are the one suffering by holding on to the hurt. You are punishing yourself more than your mate.

·Your spouse may not deserve to be forgiven, but it is a gift of grace that you can give.

·Your peace and your marriage are far more important than holding onto the pain.

·Forgiveness is releasing the pain that they caused you.

Forgiveness may not happen overnight. It takes a concentrated effort to achieve. However, the rewards of forgiveness include peace and healing for yourself and your relationship.

Marriage Building Tips

One way to picture forgiveness is to imagine a big ship tied to the dock. Visualize yourself placing your hurt and pain on the ship. Then cut the ropes that bind the ship to the dock and let the ship sail away with your hurt and anger.

You may have to repeat this exercise several times, but eventually the pain associated with the memory will lessen. In the process, you will experience greater peace and satisfaction in your marriage.

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Saving your marriage is hard work. I'm not going to beat around the bush about it so to speak. But, most of the time you end up making things a whole lot more difficult then they need to be. It's not your fault, you're just not prepared or for that matter really capable without help to understand the things that you're doing wrong and how it is negatively affecting your best efforts to save your marriage. The most important thing you can do right now is understand what you're doing wrong and stop it now before you make it worse and or beyond repair.

Ok, there are several things you need to begin looking at very closely. The first among them is taking a look at how you are handling things at the moment. How you're acting and reacting to situations that will undoubtedly present themselves. Such as how you are responding to altercations between you and your spouse. Are you allowing yourself to become extremely heated or losing your cool at every whim? Are you lashing out emotionally, even doing things you never imagined yourself doing such as threatening your spouse or begging and crying to your spouse to stay in the marriage? As much as you want to get your point across to your spouse, these tend to have the opposite effect and in turn serve to push your spouse further away.

What if your spouse don't love you anymore? Here's how to get them addicted to you like when you fell in love for the first time

Another thing you should take a look at, is if you're actually giving your spouse the space they need to really think hard about their decision to end the marriage. Are you allowing them the time they need or are you in their face about the marriage every chance you get? Are you bothering them at work or in their peaceful retreat to a space they normally venture to be alone or have a few moments to themselves? If you constantly stay on your spouse about the marriage, this tends to push your spouse further away just as well. Although, instinctively you may believe that you should be diligent in your efforts to get to the bottom of your marital crisis, the inability to balance out time for marital discussions and time to be alone can have a very negative effect on your efforts to save your marriage. In fact, it can become the sole reason as of why your spouse is persistent on still ending the marriage.

The reasons why even your best efforts seem to fail, can more than likely be that you haven't been able to strike a balance between controlling your emotions and timing your discussions about the marriage. Not just that, but not knowing what you should actually be saying and doing at those times can be equally a factor. If you don't know what to say or do, then you should really consider finding a plan that will guide you into perfectly executing those moments so that they will best serve your efforts in saving your marriage.

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Janis fought the urge to go inside. Her cookies waited; baking sheets, food coloring and powdered sugar beckoned her from inside. But still she sat on the stool in her husband's workshop, sipping her coffee while he ran the belt sander over the wood. Occasionally Bob would look up at her and smile, then go back to his task. Three times he asked her to do something; refreshing his coffee, finding a Phillips head screwdriver, handing him his safety goggles all drew but brief conversation from his lips. Finally after an hour, he was done for the day. "Thanks for being out here with me, honey. I really enjoyed your company," he told her, smiling. "I had a great time," she replied. What mystery of man had she uncovered? A very simple one indeed - her spouse, not unlike many men, spells "love," "t - i - m - e."

Tip #1: "Watch Me!"

One of the most common phrases out of any little boy's mouth is, "Watch me!" Men are wired from birth to desire spectators - think sporting events. So if your husband has a chore to do, do it with him! Find a way to hand him tools if he's repairing a faucet, hold the flashlight while he works on the garbage disposal, or chop some vegetables while he's making dinner. Your role may not be very productive in your mind, but research shows that men like to be admired - one of the simple ways wives can communicate that admiration is to be shoulder to shoulder with their husbands in activities.

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Tip #2: Let Him Lead His Way

Sandra caused a huge conflict when she started telling her husband how to build a bookshelf they had picked up from the store. "He and I had different ways of doing it; mine was to follow the directions, his was to follow his head. Once I figured out he was trying to outsmart the guy who had written the directions, like it was some competitive thing, I shut up and let him do it his way and we got along better. I couldn't look at the directions though! We ended up with the bookshelf built, and it really didn't matter how we got there." Be wise about what hill you choose to die on when it comes to your husband - you may be right, but is it worth the cost?

Tip #3: Be Grateful

Kim's husband died last year, and she misses the hours she sat near him while he fished. "I eventually took up the sport with him because it gave me something to do, but he always let me know how much he valued my presence when he was on the lake. He just wanted me with him, and doing that several times a week made our years together just beautiful. Sure, I sometimes wished I was getting something done or doing something I really enjoyed, and I can't say as I really understand why he liked it so much, but Thomas just wanted me around, and now that he's gone, I can look at those times and really smile, knowing my husband enjoyed my company."

Bottom Line: Spend time hanging out with your husband on his terms and be a spectator. It requires very little effort on your part and results in the huge dividend of friendship!

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Marriage Tip No: 1 - Develop the intimacy in your relationship

When there is no intimacy in a marriage husbands and wives become insensitive towards one another. Couples that lack intimacy in their relationship make no effort to meet each others needs, they are self-centred and selfish. They usually walk in bitterness towards each other and there is no evidence of companionship. The result is usually on-going conflicts and fighting, arguments, and abuse.

If you want your relationship to be successful then you must maintain the intimacy. It is not difficult to know when a couple is intimate; it just seems to beam through them. Intimate couples are usually holding hands, talking intimately, laughing together, open and vulnerable with one another, and gazing into each others eyes. You can sense among them true love and affection. They don't focus on each other's weakness rather they focus on the strength of their marriage whilst working on the weakness.

You can demonstrate intimacy by gestures of love, showing your spouse that you care, showing your spouse that you appreciate and value them. Intimacy is also demonstrated in not taking your spouse for granted, not criticising but building up the confidence of your spouse, showing interest in the things that your spouse is passionate about.

To achieve this level of intimacy however begins with a love for God. When you love God, you will find it easy to love your spouse; you won't find it difficult to love your spouse as Christ loved the church. Christ loved the Church so much that he was willing to lay his life down for his church - that's the level of love and intimacy we should aim for in our marriages.

To achieve intimacy in your marriage you must also love and accept yourself. You can only love your neighbour as much as you love yourself so if you don't love yourself how can you love and be intimate with your spouse? Loving yourself begins with knowing that you are created in the image of God and that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

Marriage Tip No: 2 - Have a plan for resolving conflicts

In marriage there are bound to be conflicts due to the differences between spouses. The problem however is not really the conflicts but how you handle them. It is also advisable to seek to understand your spouse better so that with time you can avoid conflicts.

Conflicts sometimes arise when we make false assumptions about our spouse. We then react based on our false assumptions which end up hurting our spouse. Rather than assuming, seek to understand the full situation through proper communication before jumping to conclusions. This will greatly decrease the amount of conflicts you have.

Also when conflicts arise, avoid referring to the mistakes and conflicts of the past. Referring to past issues will only hurt your spouse and make matters worse so avoid doing that. Once past issues are dead, there is no need to resurrect them. God himself when he forgives us never brings it up again. He says that he puts our sins in the sea of forgetfulness.

Also when disagreements do occur seek to resolve them and not to win an argument. Its not really about proving that you are right but its about rectifying the situation. At the end of the day, if you win an argument with your spouse, who are you going to announce the victory to? Besides it is better to lose an argument than to lose your relationship.

Be willing to apologise and make up first even if you feel that your spouse is the one that is wrong - it shows that you are the bigger and more matured person when you do this. It will help you resolve conflicts a lot quicker than when you're waiting for your spouse to make the first move - you end up not talking to each other for days or weeks even. Is it really worth it?

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

Author's Bio: 

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