How To Get Your Husband To Listen To Your Feelings: Husband Doesn't Listen To My Needs

In marriages, many arguments and hurt feelings can be traced back to communication problems. It's not unusual for spouses to stay in a continual state of frustration, feeling misunderstood and unappreciated.

Unexpressed feelings can pile up and poison the relationship.

When you repress your anger, it will always come out later, usually after something minor has upset you.

You may find that it's difficult to have a complete conversation without you or your spouse leaving the room before the conflict is resolved. The emotional buttons that your spouse pushes in you can make you want to bolt and get away from your uncomfortable feelings and reactions.

Learning to communicate more effectively with your spouse requires that you be fully present and attentive. You have to be committed to really listening and hearing, not only with your ears but also with your heart. You want to eliminate any communication blocks that prevent you and your partner from growing in understanding and intimacy.

Communication blocks are anything that you do, verbally or non-verbally, to keep you from connecting deeply with another person. Some examples of communication blocks in marriage are:

* Rolling your eyes and looking resigned or exasperated when your spouse is talking;

* Sighing deeply and loudly when your spouse is sharing his/her viewpoint;

* Looking at your watch or a clock repeatedly;

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* Not stopping what you're doing when your spouse is trying to have a serious talk with you;

* Not making eye contact and not giving your partner your undivided attention;

* Using the time when your spouse is talking to think about other things unrelated to the conversation;

* Tuning your spouse out because you've heard the same thing repeatedly and are convinced it's the same old speech;

* Becoming defensive and angry immediately instead of showing your partner the respect of hearing him/her out;

* Belittling your spouse, name calling, cursing, shaking or pointing a finger, or getting in his/ her face.

* Interrupting your partner before he/she is finished talking.

It has been said that for every minute you are angry with someone, you lose sixty seconds of happiness that you can never get back. It just makes good sense to do everything you can to preserve the good will and intimacy of your marriage when conflict, anger, hurt feelings, and disagreements occur.

If you truly love your partner, you will not want to rip him/her to shreds verbally, or to ignore or discount differing opinions and beliefs. You will want to do everything you can to insure that you have quality communication in your relationship and that you are communicating your caring, love, and respect to your spouse

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "The most important thing in any relationship is not what you get but what you give." While you cannot control how someone else will react to your efforts, you can commit to doing all you can to create a safe environment where intimacy can flourish.

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There are many factors why love fades away in time. Discerning these reasons can answer your questions; why? how? when and where did you lose his love?

1) Affair outside your marriage

We have only one heart that can only belong to the person we love. When the other half of his heart clings to somebody else outside your relationship, you will not expect full and unified attention. It would be a big lie for him to say, I love you with all my heart when really his heart is split into two. He may try his best to pretend but you can feel the cold attachment. Not only that he easily gets irritated and unhappy but disagreements replace simple conversations so quickly. His mind dwells in the moon and his heart floats on the air, he is confuse and uncertain in all his ways. He loves somebody new.

2) Pressures of economic life

In this world where financial problem abounds, bringing food on the table is quite a responsibility to fulfill. Family obligation is becoming a burden that could decrease the joy of marriage. In time they may start to feel that obligation is withholding them from some kind of freedom. Bills and other expenses are strangling their time, makes them too much occupied that there's not much time left for themselves or for them as a couple to spend together.

3) Lack of intimacy

If Intimacy which is necessary for a happy marriage is ignored and distracted, distance in between couples takes place. They maybe close in one room but emotionally far apart. Remember, one reason why you get married is to satisfy your emotional desire and to create one flesh out of two. Good planning and cooperation must be necessary for both. This would involve; how many children you will have? Reasonable budgeting could be of serious concern to lighten up your financial loads and have more time with each other. Working and sharing things together can maintain the warmth of your relationship and can stimulate intimacy that will prevent your love from fading away.

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4) Expectation unfulfilled

Time of courtship could be very misleading. All you know is your marriage will be filled with romances, caress, tenderness and unfading love. Yes, your courting moments could be summarized with just sweetness of words and emotional attractions that you thought could form a rainbow in your life. You dreamed that your married life full of sunshine and roses but after all it's a pile of thistles and thorns. Because things are not transparent enough for you to see the reality of your relationship, you thought those moments of love you conceived during your courtship will be the same when it will give birth to your marriage.

As you travel deep through the journey of your marriage, you will discover things about your spouse you didn't know before. His imperfections and weaknesses, his failures and his bad tendencies are emerging gradually. These can develop doubts and can push you back from sticking close to each other. And of course he will feel the same with you. If expectations in marriage turned out to be wrong, feelings of regret comes next. We can lose the appetite of preserving our marriage.

There are yet proper expectations in marriage such as; love, faithfulness, attention and support though sometimes these things go unfulfilled. So it is then wise to consider and accept these facts that even we plan our marriage carefully, we can still feel so neglected, frustrated and lonely. So someone who desires for a serious relationship must consider and accept these realities before going forward to marriage.

5) Constant arguments and conflicts.

No doubt you will agree that frequent disagreements can weaken our hearts and develop the fear of pursuing with our relationship. The more hurting and stabbing words inflicted in our hearts, the more fragile it can become. No one possessed a wooden heart that can be able to withstand too much pain and crying. The closest exit we can find is to end everything up and just watch the love go by.

Sadly, many spouses give up so easily and fast. They feel their marriage will never work anymore. They thought even they will do the best they can, it's impossible to mend what is already broken. Now they think that separation and divorce is the last solution to their never stop arguments. So constant conflicts has the power to replace the love to hatred.

These are some of the common reasons why love fades away in time. Knowing these factors can help one to take precautions not to let your love go away. To stay in love requires effort, time and determination in order to keep the fire of love burning within our marriage.

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"Daddy!" yelled an excited little girl dressed in her pink pajamas.

"Hi Angel," replied Greg as he walked in, scooped up his little girl, and planted a big kiss on her cheek.

"Daddy, I missed you!"

"I missed you too, baby."

Greg's smile dimmed as he turned to his wife, Hannah, "What's for dinner?" he asked dryly.

"Are you kidding me? No hello? No how are you? You haven't kissed me in a week, and you ask what's for dinner? Find out when you sit down at the table. Or do you have another teleconference call tonight?" replied Hannah in a rather harsh tone.

Greg sighed, "Hannah, please don't start. It's been a rough day and I really don't need this today."

"Well what I really need is my husband."

"I'm here. Aren't I?"

Is your story like Hannah's: a lonely wife who feels unhappy in marriage? Do you ever feel unloved, rejected, or neglected by your husband? Maybe you try to show love to him, but it seems like he's pushing you away. Maybe your husband hasn't kissed you in weeks and you're starting to feel left out of his world.

You really need your husband's attention and it would help if he would at least say, "I love you."

While you may feel deprived of love and affection, do you ever consider how your husband might feel? Maybe he feels disconnected from you as well.

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You may be thinking, "How can my husband feel disconnected from me when he's the one who's causing the distance?"

Let me ask you a question, "Have you taken the time to make love to your husband lately? So often as women we tend to shy away from sex. Whether it's fatigue, children, frustration, or just a lack of desire, sex is still a major part of the marriage relationship.

What is sex in the context of marriage between a man and a woman? Sex is an outward expression of one's love for his/her spouse. It involves giving yourself to your husband with no limitations in order to please him. It is an act of worship because it honors God.

Whether you realize this or not, your husband views sex as major issue in your marriage and when he doesn't get it on a consistent basis, this can make him feel:

• Unloved by you.
• Disconnected from you.
• Disillusioned.
• Rejected and vulnerable to the temptation of cheating on you.
• Downright grumpy!

(Do any of these emotions and feelings sound familiar?)

If this is the case then why do we hold back something that is so important to our husbands?

Unfortunately, many women see sex as an option because we allow the things such as work, money, children, our personal problems, etc. to take precedence. As a result, you end up with a sexless marriage and an unhappy husband who feels just as lonely as you.

As married women, we must make sex a major priority in our marriage relationships. We should embrace sex, enjoy it, and include it in our marriage on a consistent basis. Once we take our vows as husband and wife, we have no right to refuse sex or use it, (or the lack of it), as a weapon against our husbands, (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).

What about you? Have you stopped having sex with your husband because of your hurt feelings, your disappointments, or a decreased sex drive? If so, here are some things you can do to make sex a priority and restore the spark in your marriage:

1) Pray and ask God to renew your sex drive. As a Christian woman, you have the power to talk to God about anything, including sex! Therefore, you can tell God how you feel about sex and ask Him to show you why your desire for sex is gone. Believe me, He really cares, (1 Peter 5:7).

2) Prayerfully talk about sex with your husband in an open manner at an appropriate time for both you and your spouse. Share your likes and dislikes. Also, deal with any past (or present) sexual problems you may have experienced such as molestation, rape, sexual addiction, pornography, incest, etc.

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3) Study sex in a healthy manner. There are many Christian-based books on marriage, love, and sex. Three books include:

The Song of Solomon - (the book in the Bible) by King Solomon
The Sexually Confident Wife by Shannon Ethridge
For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn

4) Get a deeper understanding of your husband emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually. Knowing how your man ticks will help you to initiate intimacy in a way that is appealing to him. This can also lead the way to good sex!

5) Get some rest. "I'm tired," is one of the biggest reasons we give for not wanting to have sexual intercourse. For this reason, make sure you have the energy so you'll be awake, alert, and ready to give your best during sex.

6) Refuse to have "Pity sex". This is a term my husband coined which means sex without emotion, passion, or desire. In other words, you just open your legs and lay there while your husband "does his thing". The problem is that your husband can tell that you're not enjoying it, which can cause him to feel unloved and disconnected from you. As a result, this doesn't help to strengthen your marriage at all.

7) Set up some time and just do it...with passion!

If you're feeling disconnected from your husband, lonely or rejected, then consider how he might feel. Maybe you're depriving your husband of the one thing that helps him to feel loved by you: sex.

If you can do your part to initiate sex with your husband, chances are he will open up his heart to you and give you the love and affection you're craving.

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Have you ever heard the statement, "Prayer changes things?" While prayer does change things, the real key to change is praying effective and purposeful prayers. Oftentimes in marriage we want to pray for our husbands to change, but God can use our marriage problems to change us as well. One of the best principles to understand is that you cannot change your husband. You can pray for your husband and God can change his heart, but ultimately the only person you can change is you!

Here a some of the things you can say and (do) during prayer that will help you and ultimately get God's attention.

1) "Show and Tell" God how much you love Him. Another word for this is worship. This is the act of taking pleasure in your relationship with God as you spend time with Him. God wants you to recognize Him as the ultimate Source of your marriage and your life. Many times we go to God with complaints and requests only to overlook His goodness and the blessings He has already given us. Consider how you would feel if the only time your children came to you was when they needed something. (You may already understand this feeling.) You would probably feel used, neglected, and only good for what you can give them. This is what I call the "Genie mentality". This occurs when you go to God expecting Him to give you everything you ask for, (regardless of whether it lines up with His will), with no thought of giving Him the worship and honor He is due. While there's nothing wrong with asking God for things, it shouldn't be the main reason for praying on a daily basis. Prayer especially worship, has a way of strengthening your relationship with Jesus.

What are some effective ways to worship God? You can sing praises to Him, tell Him how much you love Him, and repeat to Him what the Word says about Him. For instance, when I read the Psalms, I learn more about who God is to me. He's my Redeemer, my Savior, full of mercy, slow to anger, etc. If you start your prayer by worshipping God you can become so excited about being in His presence that you're not even focusing on your needs or your husband's flaws. Note, you may not always feel like worshipping God, but worship is not about a feeling; it's based on His goodness. In other words, sometimes we must press through in order to worship God.

2) Confess to God by asking Him to forgive you for anything you may have done to hurt Him or to offend your husband. While you may feel that your husband is at fault understand that we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. In other words, you've probably done something wrong as well.

3) Thank God for being a good God who, wants what's best for your marriage. In this case, you must have faith. Why? Because you must have confidence that God loves marriage and that He wants your marriage to work. (Note: If you are in an abusive situation, you will need to get some help. Or if adultery has taken place in your marriage, then you should seek counseling). However, in other situations, it's so easy for us to give up on the marriage relationship. Why? I believe the images we see about marriage, the TV shows that include marriage, and the voices we hear tend to undervalue marriage. In most cases, these items don't offer God's perspective on marriage. In addition, consistent exposure to these things will ultimately give us a perverted view of marriage, and an easy excuse to walk away from our spouses. In turn, we acquire a negative attitude about marriage, especially when ours is not going well, and we can give up in our hearts. Yes, we can still go through the motions of being married, but our hearts have left the marriage. This is why it's so important to recognize that despite what statistics say, God still loves marriage and he wants yours to work.

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4) Ask God to help you deal with any hurt, anger, and pride you may have because of your marriage. Sometimes it's so easy to believe we're right in every situation when it comes to marriage, but in most cases we're not. This is why it's important to humble yourself and ask God to show you where your attitude and perspective do not line up with His word. We often think that our methods of communicating are right and effective. Then when we talk to our husbands, we find that our words can be tainted with anger, bitterness, and spite. I encourage you to be open to the Holy Spirit when He shows you things about yourself. He could speak through your husband, a sermon, a friend, a situation, and ultimately His word. Yes, coming to the realization of your flaws may be painful, but God will be with you every step of the way as you walk through this journey.

5) Ask God to give you the strength to show love to your husband and communicate more effectively. Also ask Him to give you words that will speak life to your husband and your marriage, even if it means apologizing to your husband for something you did wrong.

6) Pray blessings on your husband even when you don't feel he deserves them.

7) I also recommend going to the Bible and reading Christian-based books on marriage to learn what God says about marriage and how you should conduct yourself as a wife in the marriage relationship.

While prayer does change things, the words we pray to God are also important. God can sometimes use our marriage problems to change us, and if we're open to God through worship, prayer, thanksgiving, and effective prayer, then He will change us which can in turn change the marriage for the better.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.


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