How To Forgive Your Husband For Saying Hurtful Things: When Your Husband Hurts You With Words

MARRIAGE seems wonderfully endearing to the single person who has never married, and perhaps to the divorced person who hankers for something to arrest their longing for companionship or sexual release, but marriage for nearly all of us is quite a hard work at times. (And I can say this even as a representative of my wife!)
We carry so much of ourselves into our marriages - which is both a good and a bad thing.

We bring in expectations of being 'met' by our partners: that they will satisfy us sexually, not spend too much money, not seek to control us, that they will want to spend time with us.

We also bring in expectations of what our partners should bring to us: their virtues of diligence and moderation and sanctity and kindness - to name just four. We are disappointed when they don't measure up to our previously unconscious expectations - that have now become conscious due to our encroaching annoyance.

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RESOLUTIONS LIE IN LOOKING ANOTHER WAY

Expectations on our partners might be easily reversed as we seek to understand God's expectations of us in the marriage.

God might expect us to understand our partners' expectations - and not simply to know them (notwithstanding how peculiar they might be to us) - but to wrestle with our own ability, want and capacity to meet their expectations.

God might be saying in the field of the irresolvable issues of marriage - "How important is this expectation?" And, "Can you let it go?"

Many of our expectations might be founded on something perfectly ridiculous, unachievable or unsustainable - and in that, it's up to us to change. This can be a very hard word - but it could be nonetheless truthful. And, in this present day, as it is eternally, the truth does set us free.

Our wives and husbands are dealing with irresolvable issues - struggles and frustrations - just as we are - but they are just different. If we can turn toward them, releasing our expectations in faith, their release is imminent, and then so is ours.

The irresolvable issues in marriage will either torment us as we hold onto our unrealistic expectations for change, or they will release us into a new season of peace and joy. The former is the will of the enemy over our marriages; the latter is God's will for our marriages.

What will we choose to do? Will we choose frustration or peace; struggle or release.

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During the initial stages of your marriage, the sparks that fly between you and your husband can even light a fire. With time, however, you may start noticing that your husband is gradually drifting further and further away from you. It is very painful when you realize that your husband no longer seems to be interested in you as before. The pain is even more intense when you do not want your marriage to end because you still love him. However, you should not give up when things turn out this way in your relationship.

There are a number of measures that will help you to encourage your husband to want you once more. Here are some useful pieces of advice that will guide you to improve your marriage.

Check your own behavior

As people get used to their partners in marriage, they start taking many things for granted. This may be the case in your situation. You should therefore take a hard look at your own behavior in order to determine how you may be contributing to the problem. You may start ignoring your husband without even realizing what you are doing.

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How much do you let your husband know that you appreciate him? It is very discouraging for your husband when he realizes that you do not value him, and he is likely to stop trying to please you. On the other hand, you can make him move mountains when he knows that you appreciate him.

Tell your husband how much you value him. In addition, let your actions show him that you truly mean what you say. You will greatly encourage your husband to want you when you let him know how important he is to you.

Pay a closer attention to yourself

Many wives usually dedicate their lives to taking care of their families. Unfortunately, this tends to have some negative consequences as time passes. You should take some time to improve your personal life if you want to encourage your husband to want you once more.

Find something you are interested in and pursue it. This may be a career, hobby, or even volunteering. In addition, you should not let your social life grind to a halt. Have some women friends with whom you can spend some time. Having fun will help you to have a full and happy life, which will make you be more interesting to your husband.

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Most people get married for selfish reasons only. No one says, "If I marry you, I'll be the most miserable person on earth-let's get married." No, you got married because you believed that the marriage will make you happy. If you did not believe that, you would not get married. Period.

Yet, after the marriage you discover that things aren't all honey and roses. You find out that you aren't always happy, and you aren't always satisfied. In fact, the closer you get to someone the more potential they have to hurt you and you them. You argue more with people you love than anyone else.

Maturity in marriage is where you realize that you have committed yourself to someone else in a way that is reminiscent of patriotism. When you can pledge yourself to another person, your marriage has finally matured. This isn't easy, and it is not something that is actually done when you got married. It's an act of maturity that might take a bit of time.

When you get married you make certain vows. But a vow isn't meaningful until you are forced to keep it. When things get tough, that's when the vow begins to have meaning for you. How many people make all sorts of promises only to break them in divorce and other ways? Too many. Those marriages never had true commitment.

When your love, when your promises are put to the test that is where the depth of your relationship reveals itself. Your relationship is mature when you can look the other in the eye as your marriage stands on rocky and uncertain ground and then say, "I made some promises when we got married and I intend to keep them. I'm committed to you and I'm committed to making this relationship work."

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At some point your marriage must be transformed from the selfishness that originally existed to the commitment that will keep you together. Feeling committed to someone when everything is going good is not a true demonstration of commitment. When things seem to be falling apart, when you feel insecure, unloved perhaps, and disappointed and yet you can still remain committed, that is a good demonstration of commitment.

I've never seen a marriage that didn't go through turbulent times. It is these times, and remaining committed through them, that gives a relationship the specialness and strength that you first sought when you got married to begin with.

What you want in a relationship doesn't come until the relationship has weathered some fairly serious storms. It is the difficult times that make a relationship great. So, if you can remain committed during these trying and desperate times, you'll get the relationship you first sought when you chose to get married.

I look back on my own marriage and can point to the trials as the reason why our love for each other has such depth and meaning. Thank God that we were and remain committed to each other.

God speaks of this when he says in the book of Ephesians 5:31 of the Bible: For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

God understands the need for true commitment in marriage. Once both of you gain it, you have not only a mature marriage, but one that will last through any storm.

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I often hear from people who are trying to come up with the best strategies for dealing with their spouse during a marital separation. The goal is to make their spouse want to come back to them and to be willing to save the marriage. To that end, one suggestion that is often given is to "ignore your spouse" or to use "reverse psychology" to make them more than willing to come back.

I recently heard from a wife who said that she had read that she should "completely ignore" her husband while they were separated so that he would want her that much more. And I can see why this strategy seems attractive. Basically the idea is that, if it works, you don't have to do much of anything (but a good acting job) and he will just enthusiastically and willingly do exactly what you hoped for all along. But it's my experience that this strategy doesn't always work out this way. I'll discuss some of the risks to this strategy (and tell you one I think works better) in the following article.

Why I Think That Ignoring Your Spouse During The Separation Isn't Always The Best Idea: First of all, I don't know many people who can completely pull this off. Unless you are an award winning actress or actor, it can be very hard to make this convincing. (And if your spouse sees through this, they will quickly lose respect for you.) The truth is, your spouse likely knows you better (and can read you more accurately) than anyone else. It's highly unlikely that they won't see through this.

And even if they buy your act, do you really want for your spouse to think that you care so little for them and your marriage that your response is to just ignore them? I am all for using some strategy to get your spouse back during a separation, but posturing to portray something that is the complete opposite of what you really feel (and what you really want) is in my opinion not only risky, but not the best call.

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There are also a lot of risks associated with this strategy. If you chose to ignore your spouse, you are hoping that they won't be so hurt or put off by this that they will actually pursue you. Depending on the personality and motivations of your spouse, this may or may not work. But, your spouse might be hurt or frustrated and respond by trying to move on or see other people. And, even if it does work, your spouse may eventually harbor some resentment for being manipulated. This isn't good for your marriage.

I Agree That Sometimes Strategic Planning Is Needed During A Separation. Here's A Strategy That I Think Is Better Than Ignoring Your Spouse: One of the main ideas behind ignoring your spouse is that by not being there constantly or by not making yourself completely available to them, you will seem more attractive (and they will want you more) as a result. I completely agree with the strategy of creating mystery and it actually ended up working for me. But, there's a big difference between creating mystery and completely ignoring the person you are trying to get back.

I think there's actually a delicate dance between staying in touch and showing that you care while not being constantly available or completely transparent. I advocate communicating and interacting with your spouse on a regular basis while you are separated. With that said, I believe you should be very deliberate and conscious of what cards you are playing while you are doing this.

What I mean by this is that you always want for your spouse to know that you care deeply about them and the marriage. (I think it's even sometimes OK for them to know that you'd like to save the marriage, but respect that you both need to make that decision.) At the same time though, you also want it to be clear that you care enough about yourself to remain busy and vibrant and that you are not be hanging on your spouse's every word or whim.

It can actually help your cause if your spouse wonders where you are or why you occasionally don't answer their call on the first ring. Does this mean that you are ignoring them? Absolutely not. You're simply giving the impression that you're also living your own life to the best of your ability during the separation. This will usually make you seem more attractive than someone who is anxiously awaiting your spouse's next call or text (and who is falling to pieces when it doesn't come.)

I think it's perfectly fine to limit or time your availability just to make it appear that you are handling yourself just fine. However, you don't want to take this to extremes. Doing so shows a lack of respect toward your spouse and it's dishonest in a way that (at least in my opinion) posturing is not. To me, there's a difference between a strategy that places you in the best light and a strategy that is dishonest and downright risky.

During my separation, my leaving town and getting away for a while was a turning point that actually improved things. But I didn't do this in an attempt to ignore my husband. I did this because I wanted and needed the support of my family and friends. My husband knew where I was and I checked in with him from time to time. But the mystery and distance this created did help.

So, while I think there is some validity to backing off slightly and being very deliberate with your interactions during your separation, I don't advocate making yourself completely unavailable unless you just don't want to interact with your spouse at all or you don't care how they perceive or react to this.

I understand that this strategy is likely one of many that has been suggested to you. And you'll have to take your marriage and your spouse into account when you decide how you want to play this. But it's my opinion that you always want to remain true to your heart and not go to extremes or take huge risks that might actually backfire if what you really want is to get your spouse back rather than to alienate them.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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