How To Fix A Broken Marriage After Cheating: How To Save The Marriage When Your Husband Has Been Cheating On You

How To Fix A Broken Marriage After Cheating: How To Save The Marriage When Your Husband Has Been Cheating On You

So, your suspicions turned out to be true and he really was cheating on you. You knew it somewhere deep inside but prayed it wasn't happening.

Now you have the evidence and he's admitted it and apologized and told you he really wants to stay married to you, and that it will never happen again. He promises.

Should you believe him? Should you walk out? Can you ever trust him again?

It's Up to You and You Alone

Your friends and family have plenty of opinions on the topic and are happy to tell you what to do. Seems like everyone knows the right thing to do, unless you're the one who has to make the decisions and take the consequences.

No one knows the future and no one knows for sure if someone else can be trusted. I wish I had better news, but that's the truth.

It's very important that you have something you can do without waiting, something you can have control of. You already know you can't have control of your husband (or should know that). So the only thing you can really control is your own behavior and your own actions.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

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A Feeling of Powerlessness and Hopelessness

Many people whose spouses have cheated on them feel powerless and hopeless, and feel that "nothing will ever be the same again," and that "I thought I could trust and now my whole world is turned upside down."

If you will take a moment and think about it you may see that both of these reactions have a seed of hope and power in them.

People and the world are changing all the time, constantly, and that the only thing you really could ever depend on is the perpetual state of change that all things and all people are going through all the time.

Your hope and power depend on your being aware, prepared, and taking action on things you can control, in other words, on you.

How to Save the Marriage When Your Husband Has Been Cheating on You

You must take four steps to save the marriage right now. I call those steps "LOVE," which is an acronym. "L" is for like; "O" is for openness; "V" is for value; and "E" is for encourage.

Like

Become aware of what you like about your husband. Now why you love him but why you like him.

Write down ten things you genuinely like about your husband.

Keep those in a conspicuous place because you're going to need to refer to them often in the days and weeks and months ahead.

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

Be Open

You had a role in your husband having an affair. If you don't believe that at least a little bit, there is no reason to stay together with him and have a relationship!

A relationship is a two way street, never one-way. So write down ten ways you contributed to him having an affair. I know, brutal medicine but if you don't do it, you'll never learn from the incident, and will fall back into powerlessness and hopelessness

Give Value

People stay together as friends, lovers, and spouses, primarily because of one thing: the value they receive from others. If you don't get value, you bail out on the relationship, or probably should.

You might feel like lashing out at your husband and probably have already. It's natural, but it isn't going to go anywhere. He'll just feel terrible and so will you.

A much better route is to say "I want to be part of where we go from here." Write down ten things you feel you can do to add value to the relationship and marriage that you have not done up until now.

Encourage

What are your husband's interests in life? Encourage him to follow them. Your inclination is probably to tighten your grasp on him and be less encouraging and maybe more punishing.

That's a bad decision. The right decision, the one that really shows love, is to encourage your husband to be more of who he already is, and in some ways reduce your expectations that he will be who you want him to be. The more you can encourage him to be himself, the more he will feel your love, respect and honor toward him.

Take those four Steps to help save the marriage. They will give you power and hope.

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One of the great attractions for people is the mystery that surrounds another person. Mystery is intriguing to people. And once a person is intrigued, they seek to get close to solve the mystery. So many people who meet the first time are highly attracted to each other because of the mystery involved.

This mystique and intrigue keeps people interested in each other. But the more comfortable and familiar we are with each other the less intriguing we become. Many men have allowed their minds and hearts to wander towards a woman they barely know or understand because of the new mystery involved. And in the long run, they end up with the same problems with this new woman as they had with the old one.

It is important, therefore, that you keep some mystique and intrigue in your marriage. Don't get so familiar with each other that you feel contempt. Keep a certain amount of decorum around each other, a certain amount of intrigue.

Let's face it, gentlemen, no woman looks on proudly as her husband watches a ballgame, lounging around on a couch in his underwear with a bow of chips on his stomach. No woman will look upon that proudly and say, "That's my husband!" However, if you hold the door for her, seat her at the table and keep a gentlemanly air about you, she'll find that intriguing and mysterious.

What if your spouse don't love you anymore? Here's how to get them addicted to you like when you fell in love for the first time

Remember that air that you had when you dated-that debonair, rakish, or princely bearing that you adopted? In every effort you made to be yourself, you still presented an atmosphere of mystique and mystery that she found incredibly intriguing.

I asked my wife one day what attracted her to me. She mentioned many things, but one stood out in my mind. She told me she loved the confident way I walked. That air of confidence held tremendous intrigue for her. Remembering this, I try to keep that confident walk when I am around her.

This doesn't mean that you can't let your hair down. But it does mean that keeping that dashing or princess like bearing is very intriguing for your spouse. In the privacy of our home, we are more familiar with each other, no doubt, but if we can keep the decorum, the mystique, and the intrigue alive, so will the attraction.

Much of it is attitude. Treating each other like you did when you were dating, is an attitude. Back then, you found each other mysterious and interesting. Now you know all about each other and have discovered that it's not all roses and honey.

Many of you have become casual. Back then, you'd make sure that your house was spotless when your date came over. Now, you come home and throw your clothes anywhere and everywhere, don't take care of your appearance, never write a romantic letter, and have lost every bit of that dashing or princess like air about you that so attracted your husband or wife to begin with.

Keep some mystery in your marriage.

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What do you get when an emotionally immature man marries an emotionally immature woman? Answer: role-reversal. The phenomenon is widespread! Role reversal in marriage is so common that the reality either rings true in your own home, or very close to it! Nearly all, know a family member or friend in and upside down marriage.

Typically, role reversal in marriage is discussed from the standpoint of inequities in education, earnings and household chores. Bruce's story is a great example.

"Our marriage is upside down and backwards. I am the stay-at-home Dad. Between the four kids including our nine-year-old, Asher-- I've changed 14,000 diapers. I do the laundry, the cleaning and most of the cooking. I worry over every cough and bloody nose.

Roni is a corporate attorney. She loves power tools, hardware stores, steakhouses and playing the stock market. She warns me not to jump up every time someone skins a knee so we don't end up with a houseful of crybabies. She organizes, plans, and strategizes. But even though she is Generalissimo Momma, we struggle over who's in control." (Ms. Magazine, June 2003)

According to Bruce, Roni was more educated, earned triple his income (and triple the hours away from home), leaving him largely responsible for managing the children and household chores.

Bruce's story captures the easily observable things that often occur in role-reversed marriages. Seldom checked is the emotional content rampant in these kinds of relationships. For many couples it is the unaddressed emotional reality at work and to their demise. Despite Bruce's relationship appearing to work for them, notice his last sentence: "But even though she is Generalissimo Momma, we struggle over who's in control." Perhaps Generalissimo Momma is a funny pet name, but an endearing one-I think not! The words that follow, "we struggle over who's in control", are a clue to an emotionally charged relationship.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

It's not the tasks that do couples in. In many cases, an emotionally responsible and secure husband or wife can separate what they do from who they are. But for the emotionally immature it is not so. It's how we feel about the tasks. It's how we feel when engaging the task. It's the tension between what God created us to be versus what we were raised and socialized to be. Over the past 20 years, as a counselor and pastor I have spoken with hundreds of husbands and wives. Many experience role reversal. Husbands experiencing role reversal tend to be diplomatic, hospitable and supportive. On the other hand wives married to these husbands commonly are goal-oriented, focused and dependable. All of these characteristics are positive and helpful.

The irony is Jesus was all of these things. Husbands and wives fight to retain their respective qualities when each can have all of them. Think of these qualities as a right and left hand. Nearly all of us have a dominant hand. It's the one we use all the time. When threatened the dominant hand almost without fail defends. The subordinate hand is the last resort. We have it. It works. We use it. Sometimes in low risk situations the subordinate hand makes a cameo appearance. But mostly, it is in use only when required. Immediate relief comes to the role-reversed marriage, when one spouse begins to engage the subordinate hand. But for most this simple idea is laced with fear and thus avoided altogether. Unfortunately, this contributes to emotional toxicity.

Each of the above characteristics has a toxic side for which Jesus died on the cross. Toxicity occurs when the strength of husband and wife is built up to the point that it dominates interactions and the spouse is unable to process what is happening fast or thoroughly enough to achieve emotional stability. The inability to adjust to the pressure results in emotional injury. Repeated injury erodes both the relationship and more importantly, the desire for relationship. Toxicity in husbands looks like non-confrontational, passive aggressive and non-committal. For wives toxicity appears as aggressive, controlling and inflexible behaviors.

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

The primary cause of emotional toxicity is overfeeding strengths. We do this in a variety of ways. For most, our strengths are employed at work and play. Constantly using our strengths toughens them. Another way we guzzle down our strengths is by associating exclusively with those that share them. Moreover, our strengths are energized when we maintain unfavorable attitudes toward those that do not possess them.

There is another discovery I made about husbands and wives in emotionally role-reversed marriages. They actually have some underlying things in common. These shared characteristics are lynchpins to emotional immaturity. They prevent us from growing up. They are especially apparent in toxic relationships. A few things tole-reversed husbands and wives have in common are: fear, anger and distrust. For instance, a husband typically fears abandonment. A wife fears rejection. A husband generally is angry with himself for signing over his power to another. A wife is angry at others for misusing power assigned to them. Such husbands do not rust self, while their wives do not trust others.

Both husbands and wives in emotionally, role-reversed marriages are rebellious toward authority. Oftentimes husbands refuse to take God-given authority and wives usurp God-given authority. Perhaps the best way to begin re-ordering emotionally charged, role-reversed marriages is to explore those things husbands and wives have in common. It certainly would make for robust dialogue. And I hardly think either husband or wife would covet bragging rights to such a conversation!

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WHERE is God taking us in our marriages? Otherwise, what is his will for the union of two into one?

Such questions are primary for all of us who appreciate the sanctity of Christian marriage in devotion to our spouse for the life now and all of that which is to come.

What must God want for us to think and say and do in our marriages? How are we to discharge our 'rights' of the other person (1 Corinthians 7:4)? How are we to forego our own body's rights? What does it mean that our spouse has claim on us?

These, and so many more questions, are the substance of Christian marriage. Only a union of two, themselves, are able to lay claim to the answer of such questions.

But here it is - the Summum Bonum of marriage - at least from a Christian standpoint. God's will is that we would give to the other to the extent that we are able to remain in love with our spouse - that the quotient of our love would superintendent the past, and we would become lovers of our lover in the present.

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God wants us to be in love with our spouse. He wants us to do what we need to do to remain in love.

Too many marriages are rent asunder because of our inability to remain in love.

And so many marriages might be predicated on not being in love in the first place.

Men, if we are able to remain in love with our wives, other women - albeit their inherent attractiveness to us - will always remain at a distance from our hearts. It is bad enough that we might partake in an attraction from time to time, but to take part in fantasy is to extinguish our marital love. We would fall out of love.

The key to falling back in love with the spouse of God's choice for us is to be in love - to the point that our spouse becomes, as they were, the consuming focus of our lives.

It cannot be equalled in the realm of marriage under God - to be in love with our marriage partner. Satisfaction is redoubled into contentment because of God's affirmation for our faithfulness; hardly a better, more assured state of heart and mind any person could achieve through grace.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.