How To Deal With In Laws That Ignore You: My Mother In Law Completely Ignores Me - Living With In Laws No Privacy
Interfering in laws; they are one sure way to ruin a great relationship with your husband. And since I assume you got married to be able to stay married, then the quicker you find a way to deal with the better it is. It is possible but the first thing that you have to do is to change your mind set. You can't look at them as some stranger and use simple techniques; they are emotionally charged and lots of time they are so emotionally charged that you have to treat them like a little child; logic just doesn't work. One of the best ways to treat a child as believed by others is to play with them. Play their games and make sure that you make them feel good.
In this article I'm going to reveal to you a simple 3 step road map to deal with interfering in laws.
Step 1. Paraphrase her request. You do this for two reasons.
(1) She will feel good that someone is listening to her.
(2) She will feel connected with you. (in a second you'll see why this is so important).
Who doesn't want to be heard and appreciated? We all know that the deepest craving as human is the nature to be appreciated. Being loved is not enough, appreciate the person. I remember the movie, Only You, where an old guy asked the male character, if he loves his girlfriend. He said, yes. But the old man replied, loving the person is not enough, appreciate her and you will see the great changes in your relationship. Then it happened, things turned out to be perfectly okay.
For someone who is facing the grey years, they feel that they are somehow neglected. And the best way to make them feel good is to listen to them and make them feel that they are valued and appreciated.
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Step 2. You then very subtly change the conversation. This is a little tricky but this is vital. You don't just abruptly move over to a new subject but very subtly.
For instance, let's say that your mother in law calls to say that she is coming over to see the baby (she doesn't ask but she says, "Joan, I'll be over in a minute to see the baby- not excactly your idea of a fun afternoon).
You answer, "So nice, you want to play with Tony (the baby)?".
She answers, "Yeah, he's so cute he reminds of me John (your husband) when he was young."
You: "Was he really so cute? Tell me a story of when John was young."
Making sure that the conversation is running smoothly is one good way to make your in laws feel that you don't want to abruptly cut the conversation with her. In short, spend a few minutes talking to her about something that she loves the most. If you have a baby, your common denominators with your mother in law are now two-your husband who happened to be her son and your son, the grandson. This is when you both can start having a good conversation about the two boys in the family. I am pretty sure that this is a good point to make to a good relationship.
Step 3. Keep on moving more and more away from her original request. For instance, she starts telling of the time that they went to the Fun Day Amusement Park (you heard this story at least a hundred times before). And she goes on and on... Then she mentions something about the roller coaster and how he vomited.
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Step 4. Then you build on something that she said in order to leave and get on with what you wanted to do. You then say something like, "That's so funny. That reminds me and I have to give Tony something to eat. Bye, Bye."
If your mother in law is still dreaming about her days with her beloved son in the amusement park and says bye bye also, you won.
If she says however, "o.k., I'll be over in a second. Then you very swiftly say, "Not too good, I have to go now, call later on."
There are always different ways and means to end the conversation. Go with the flow, don't interfere with it. You will see how effective your excuses are when you think of means and ways on how to excuse yourself from the talk. Be spontaneous and look for something related to your conversation.
Try it and you will be amazed how more obliging she will be after you listened to her story. It takes practice but no matter how much time it takes to perfect strategies to deal with interfering in laws is worth it. Your sanity and the stability of your marriage depend on it.
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As a society, we seem to be acknowledging the cost of family instability. We're looking for ways to address the problem. Welfare reform, teen-pregnancy prevention, abolishing the "no-fault" divorce, chasing down runaway parents and prosecuting abusers are just a few of the legal and social remedies being considered. The cry for "family values" is heard across the land.
I don't believe we will succeed in imposing family values through institutional measures. Maybe we can create a climate more conducive to family stability but that won't solve the problem. People won't give up their own freedom to choose, not in America. Nor should they. We cherish our right to make the same mistakes over and over.
We ought to replace some of this family values chatter with information about "marital values". Marriage is the beating heart of the family. Sadly, most people don't know that marriage is not just about love for another person. It's about transformation of the self.
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To do marriage right you must be willing to let it change you. This is not an easy thing to bear and yet most of us need to change some things about ourselves in order to reach our full potential. The problem is that it hurts. People often seek to change partners in order to avoid having to change themselves. That's what having affairs is about, too. With a new partner you can run all your old games again. You can use your bag of tricks to convince someone that you are who you wish you were. If you can make it stick then you can believe it yourself.
Unfortunately this won't hold up. As soon as anyone gets close they start to reflect you as you really are. Once again you're faced with the need to change. Or hide. Or run.
The high art of monogamy is in facing who you are as reflected in the eyes of your partner and, of course, allowing them to do the same. You have to give up your illusions about yourself and about your partner, too. That's when the real adventure begins.
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Some women spend a lot of effort trying to get better at understanding men. What they don't realize is that they should forget about the men and focus more on themselves and doing more of what they enjoy. Doing more of what you enjoy brings out your inner strengths and ultimately, this is what men love. We don't want girls who try to make us happy by not being themselves. We want women who know their strengths. Can you see where the inspiration for this article's headline comes from now? I'll give you 3 reasons why men love women who are strong.
1. We Know That They Can Support Us
This is one of the big reasons that men like being in relationships with women who are strong. If they display mental, emotional and physical strength (in the form of health), this usually means that they can hold the fort if we ever need to recover.
This is a reassuring feeling for a lot of men, especially those who find that they feel burdened by the task of having to always be there to look after the household.
2. They Can Help Us Grow
This is another reason that doesn't really strike men initially but is something that benefits us in the long term. You always want to find out what your strengths are and improve on them, right? By having someone who has similar strengths to you, but is stronger than you in them, they can motivate you to improve as well.
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This makes the relationship stronger between the couple and makes everything a lot more stable in the long run. By building each other up, you build up your relationship to be stronger than ever as well.
3. They Are Themselves
This is something else which is reassuring for a lot of guys. We don't want to marry a woman to only find out that she has been pretending to be someone else the entire time. That makes this difficult and essentially, we married a stranger.
A woman who is strong is typically strong is what she's naturally good at. She practices it and she isn't afraid to hide it. People who are strong generally aren't afraid to be themselves. The woman you marry is the woman you will be together with.
If you want to get better at understanding men, understand that we like women who are strong. Not because they can beat us in a fight but because they can support us if we're feeling down and out, they can help us grow and they won't have an identity crisis down the track.
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In my work of dealing with performing wedding ceremonies, marriage and pre-marriage counseling I have discovered some things about marriage; you can compare a good marriage to the building of a home.
The last concept I want to deal with is the roof of the house and how that applies to your marriage. What is the roof? In a home it is the ceiling that prevents the elements from outside (rain, snow, etc) from getting into the house. It also keeps what is in the house from escaping from the roof ( like when your spouse gets on your nerves so much it makes you want to climb the walls and jump over the roof).
The roof in the marriage represents the authority in the home that both the husband and wife respects so that they will listen. If a man and a woman both disagree, how do you resolve the disagreement? Who has the final say so? And at what point should that authority be established? Before, during or after the disagreement has surfaced.
In a marriage the husband and wife have to decide on how they will handle disagreements before they occur. They need to establish who or what will represent the authority in their lives. There are a few ways this can be addressed;
1) The husband has the last word - here the man listens to the wife, takes her advice under consideration and makes what he feels is the best decision for the family.
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2) The wife has the last word - here the wife listens to her husband, takes his advice under consideration and makes what she feel is the best decision for the family.
3) The couple refuses to move unless both agree - here the couple stays in a deadlock until they can agree on a direction to move in.
4) Couple addresses a 3rd party to break the tie - couple looks for a source outside of their marriage who they believe cares enough about them to make the best decision.
5) Couple defers to the one who is best suited to make an intelligent decision - if you are married to a chef you may want to defer to them when it comes to the kitchen or if you are married to a gardener they may know more about the yard than you do. Give in to the one who knows the subject best.
Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.
You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.
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