How To Deal With A Man Child Husband: My Husband Acts Like A Child When We Argue

It is generally regarded by most people that women mature faster than men do. There are a lot of reasons for this, but the one that needs to be addressed here is what actually matures a person.

Maturity is the recognition of responsibility and then the acceptance of that responsibility as a necessity in one's own life. A woman typically comes to this realization faster than a man does. Often a man sees responsibility as an enemy, something that just gets in his way of living and having fun. This attitude is devastating to those who either depend upon him or who wish him to take an active role in a relationship.

In my counseling, I've notice that many men don't mature upon marriage. They still have that single guy's attitude and that single guy's penchant for fun and games. Marriage often doesn't settle him down. But children might. This is not a recommendation, merely an observation. I've notice that when a man holds an infant that cannot care for itself the realization of that responsibility sinks in for many men.

But what can a wife do about this immaturity?

ISOLATE THE IMMATURE AREAS

A wife needs to isolate what areas her husband is immature in. More than likely, it is not in every area. List all of his responsibilities, those things that he is directly responsible for, and rate them. His wife, his children, his job, perhaps the finances, maybe the maintenance of the house, and whatever else you can think of are things that ought to go on this list.

This has the added benefit of helping you to isolate your own frustration. He may be good with the children and be lousy with money. He may be great with money but not very good at providing you with needed security. He might be fantastic with his work ethic, but sloppy with his things at home. Find out what areas are causing you the frustration.

Praise him for the areas he does well in. It is difficult for a man to deal with a nagging and unhappy wife. Most men deal with emotions in such a different way than their wife does that he doesn't know how to handle hers. But he loves praise. Praise will encourage him and may even help him towards being responsible in those other weak areas.

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GET YOUR HUSBAND TO SEEK ADVICE FROM A MALE COUNSELOR

This may sound a bit chauvinist, but hear me out. I counsel a lot of men and I've noticed a curious contradiction. Most men won't seek help on their own. It is the result of that ego and pride that men have in abundance. But if they actually do come to me, I'm able to show them, from a man's perspective, why they need to take responsibility in certain areas of their life.

Often, if a man can see the problem from a man's point of view, it may finally dawn on him that he can no longer run or hide from it. In addition, many men just flat out don't know what to do because no one ever taught them. Their solution up until this point is to ignore the problem.

But using a man to point out the problems and solutions from a man's perspective will go a long way to helping your husband grow up and mature. He many resist this, but if you can find the right pastor, counselor, or mature advisor to help, it'll go a long way.

COMMUNICATE YOUR FEARS BETTER

Ladies, watching your husband's immaturity produces fear and frustration. Your expression of those fears and frustration more often than not will drive your husband away from accepting responsibility.

To be frank, you need to play off his ego and pride. Most men have fantasies of being that knight in shining armor that wishes to rescue the damsel in distress. This isn't true for all men, but it is typical of male psychology. Instead of flailing at him with your words, show your distress in a way that makes him want to come to your rescue.

Good communication is the key to any relationship. I'm writing a book on it because the importance of this concept is generally misunderstood. Yelling, screaming, nagging, and name calling doesn't really do much to get an immature husband to accept responsibility. Learn to communicate your fears better.
I'm not suggesting that you appear helpless, but I am suggesting that you be a bit smarter in how you express your concerns to your husband.

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DON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS IRRESPONSIBILITY

If you always do his job, then you aren't giving him a reason to do it himself. Why should he do it if you will? Unfortunately, many men think this way without consciously being aware of it. In some cases, you may feel that you have no choice, particularly when it comes to money or the children. But in general if you pick up after him, become his alarm clock, become his character, fulfill his promises to his friends, and so forth, he will come to expect that from you.

Understand that most people, male or female, have grown up being pandered to. Their parents supplied every need and most wants. Society panders to children and their innocence. And then cuts it all off when they turn 18. There is very little effort or skill at making smooth transitions into adulthood. For eighteen years it was all about him. Now it is no longer true, but he hasn't really come to grips or true understanding of that. He doesn't realize that responsibility is accepting the needs of others.

You may need to help your husband learn that. You may need to ignore his irresponsibility and let him suffer the consequences of his own actions. You may have to do it in complete silence. Don't scold, don't yell, don't lecture, don't be a mother, that'll only push him away. But he may need to learn that there are things that he now has to do on his own.

A mother came to me once about her teenage boy who refused to do anything about his messy and somewhat disastrous room. She told me that when she couldn't stand it anymore, she would just go in and clean it herself. She wanted to know how to get him to do it on his own. I inquired about, and found out that he would never let his friends into his room. I suggested bringing over to the house girls his age and showing them his room. That didn't happen but twice before he started keeping his room clean on his own from then on out.

When I was a teenage boy, my mother took me aside and said, "Son, from now on you have to wash, dry, and fold and iron your own clothes. You need to learn how, and I'm not doing it anymore." She never got onto my case about the laundry, she never nagged me, and she never scolded me about it. But it didn't matter. I wasn't about to go to school in smelly clothes. No sir. My mother taught me to take responsibility for my own appearance.

Be very, very wise in how you do this. You don't want to push him to the point where he just gives up. Make sure you are helping, not making the situation worse.

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During conflict with anyone, but especially a loved one, your perspective becomes narrow, rigid, and resistant to any feedback that mitigates the negative assumptions you are currently making. Worse, you have no idea of how you seem to your partner. In short, you suffer severe blind spots that are the psychological equivalent to driving down the highway without rear or side view mirrors.

You know well how your partner looks and sounds when he or she is resentful or angry. You could write a book about it, or at least a pamphlet or blog post. But you never think, at least not at the time, about how you look and sound when you notice that your partner is resentful or angry. You don't think of how likely is it that your partner perceives you at that moment to be rejecting, condescending, manipulative, selfish, controlling, or not giving a damn about he or she feels.

Of course your partner has blind spots, too; his or her reactions to you are often inaccurate. But even if his or her reactions to you were entirely incorrect, what would be most likely to change them for the better - defensiveness and resentment, or genuine concern about the hurt causing his or her reaction?

Do You Want to Make It Better or Worse?

If you want to enlarge your blind spots and ensure relationship crashes, the best way to go about it is to assume - or even consider - that your anger, resentment, or other negative reactions to your partner are "justified" or "appropriate." This will only make your perspective narrower, more rigid, and, well, blinder.

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If you want to get off the treadmill of conflict with people you love, the first thing to do is accept that, like everyone else on earth, you suffer significant blind spots about your demeanor and behavior in emotional interactions. Only a tiny proportion of brain cells engage in objectively analyzing your own demeanor and behavior under the best of circumstances, and that part receives practically no blood flow or synaptic activation during emotional arousal. Our brains are simply not wired for accurate self-evaluation during emotional arousal. What's more, negative arousal keeps us hyper-focused on a perceived threat and impervious to information that might mitigate the threat. That is how the people you love most in the world can seem like saber tooth tigers when you are angry or resentful, with all your thought processes dedicated to magnifying how bad he or she is at that moment.

Adjusting the Mirrors

If you are tired of relationship crashes, the best strategy for reducing your blind spots is to use the reactions of your partner as a system of rear and side view mirrors.

If you believe that your partner is:

- Attacking you, ask yourself if you are devaluing him or her, at least in your head

- Being selfish, ask yourself if you are coming off selfishly

- Superior, condescending, or disrespectful, ask yourself if you are being respectful and open to his or her perspective

- Devoid of compassion and caring, ask yourself if you are compassionate at that moment.

Adjusting for your blind spots in emotional interactions has to be intentional, just as you have to intentionally adjust the rear and side view mirrors of your car. If you drive on automatic pilot on the road or in your relationships, your blind spots will lead you to disaster. Putting a little care and effort in your blind spot adjustments will get you where you want to go.

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To save your marriage you must be strategic in your dealings with your partner and brutally honest with yourself. I'm sure that you have realized that your marriage will not just turn around by itself and that some calculated and focused work is needed. So what steps should you follow in order to save your marriage?

1. Face the truth! How is your marriage...really? Not what you wish it was but how is it right now. What has changed that makes you believe that your marriage is in trouble? What is it that you see in your partner and in your marriage that tells you that your marriage is ailing? List all the symptoms that you see in you, your partner and in your relationship that tell you that things are not well. Do not be afraid to list issues that appear difficult or huge or unsolvable. Simply list every issue; big or small.

2. What is the change that you want? Now that you know specifically what ails your marriage; what change do you want for each problem or group of problems? And be realistic. You do not want a wish list but a list that is reasonable and do-able. What kind of marriage do you want? What kind of partner do you need to be so as to have the marriage that you want? Remember that any change must start with you.

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3. Action plan. Develop an action plan on what you need to do to change yourself. You may need to consult a professional to help you change your behavior appropriately. Remember that men and women react differently and what works for men does not work for women so you need to understand the opposite sex better so that you can do the appropriate action. You need research to know what you need to do to get a specific response from your partner. We often fail at this step because we expect our partner to react as we do. Different sexes are wired differently and will react differently.

4. Have a vision! To save your marriage you must develop a vision of the marriage that you want and you must keep that vision constantly in your mind so that you can motivate yourself. Your marriage will get worse before it gets better and you will be tempted to quit on your action plan. A clearly stated and written vision that you meditate on daily will help you keep on course.

5. Persist. You must keep slogging at it when the marriage starts to improve or when it goes back on its downward slide. When things get better you will be tempted to stop as the marriage seems better but do not stop if you want change that lasts. When things do not seem to improve you will be tempted to quit out of discouragement but remember that if you want a new reality you must have new behavior. Your persistence will pay one day; do not lose heart.

If you follow these 5 steps then you will save your marriage and find happiness in the long haul.

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What if your husband comes and tells you one day that he doesn't love you anymore? Can there be anything more distressing than this? What if your marriage is going through a bad phase and your husband's love seems to be fading day by day. You should never take these alarming symptoms casually.

The fact that the numbers of divorces are increasing with each second is very disturbing. Divorce may not be the correct solution every time. There are cases where saving the marriages would have been a better option. The love doesn't die so easily. You should definitely try to make your husband fall in love with you once more.

Here are four (4) things you should do:

1. Give him some time

It is a woman's nature to try to solve a problem as soon as possible. But it doesn't apply at the time of marital discord. If there is some friction between the two of you, don't rush things. Give your husband some time to think about the matter. Have patience and give him space. If you start nagging him at that time, you will commit the biggest blunder. Respect your husband's need and give him some mental peace to take remedial measures. That is sure to make him realize that you are very important for him and things will get better and you will be able to make your husband once again.

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2. Take a look back

Conflict always has some root cause. It is your responsibility to find out from where did things started taking a bad shape. Once you find out the cause of all the troubles, you can easily work out a solution and find the way back to the blissful marital life you used to have.

3. Be ready to make some compromises

Both of you will have to adjust and compromise a bit. If you want to save your marriage and make your relationship survive, you must be flexible and sort out the differences.

4. Avoid negativity

To make your relationship work and to find the way back to happiness, you must have optimism. It is very difficult for pessimistic people, who are apprehensive about their relationship in future, to harmonize their relationship once again. A marriage is a sacred bond and you should try your best to make it work. Even if it reaches the stage where you decide to get a divorce, you must reconsider and think about the good times you have spent together. A conflict can never be big enough to break a marital relationship. Make your husband fall in love with you once again and forever.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

Author's Bio: 

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