How To Deal With A Control Freak Wife: How To Stop Controlling Behavior In Marriage

A healthy marriage involves a couple who comes together as one, but retain their independent identities in the context of a unified relationship. Unfortunately, in an unhealthy relationship, usually the stronger partner dominates, and can often rule the marriage, sometimes with an iron fist. This can cause bitterness, anger, and resentment on the part of the less-dominant spouse, which can result in division. However, the problem may never come to the surface because they're less likely to say anything to maintain the peace.

If you're tired of being pushed around in your relationship and would love to know what to do about it, I've got answers for you. Here are three things you can start doing today to assert yourself and deal with a controlling spouse.

Don't stay silent: express yourself appropriately.

No one I know likes to be controlled or manipulated. You may feel that your opinion never gets expressed, that your spouse never listens, and your needs are so far from getting met that you wonder why you're still a part of your marriage. Now is the time for you to start standing up for yourself. This may not be comfortable for you, especially if your spouse is domineering and believes that his or her way is the right way or the highway. They're never wrong, in their opinion, but you know better. Start by telling your spouse how you feel about a situation. You may have to be bold and express your disagreement about something. You may need to pass on how you feel and let your wife or husband deal with it. Either way, don't stay silent.

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Refuse to be bullied or manipulated.

Your spouse may not react well to you being assertive or expressing yourself, but again, hold your ground. If you need to, restate your feelings or opinion. Don't allow them to bully you or attempt to shame you into doing what they want. Refuse to give up. Perhaps you'll need to say to your spouse, "I don't think I'm making myself clear," or "Here's what I mean." This will go far in changing the dynamic of your relationship and give you a better chance for getting what you want.

Allow for some give and take when needed.

In a healthy relationship, neither spouse always gets what he or she wants. There is always give and take. One night you can watch the kids, another night, your spouse will take on that responsibility. That's the way it's supposed to work. If your relationship has been largely lopsided, where you've done one thing and one thing only-what your spouse wants, that definitely needs to change. But, don't be afraid to compromise, but agreeing to do what your spouse wants now, in exchange for doing what you want to do later. Then when, later comes, make sure to remind your partner of your previous agreement.

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While you undoubtedly learned many useful things in school, how to create a happy marital relationship probably wasn't included. Most spouses learn about marriage through the proverbial "School of Hard Knocks."

As a student, you undergo drills to help you learn your multiplication tables, you're tested on your mastery of geography and science, and you memorize spelling words. As you progress, you learn to write term papers and to analyze symbolism in literature.

But you were probably not taught one of the most important skills you could learn: how to create, nurture, and sustain a healthy, satisfying relationship with good communication and intimacy. And, sad to say, some people never learn this skill even after multiple marriages.

There are many misconceptions about marriage and the impact of two individuals saying "I do." Much emphasis is devoted to planning the perfect wedding--more than is usually devoted to becoming the best partner possible. Often, the marriage is regarded as something that will fall into place with minimum effort after the ceremony.

Which of the following ten points about marriage were you surprised to learn after you said "I do"?

1. Creating a healthy, happy marriage takes hard work.It doesn't just happen on its own.

Numerous spouses are surprised by the amount of work it takes to keep a marriage on course. Some believe that if you really love someone, the relationship shouldn't be work, it should just flow easily. That sounds good, but in reality all meaningful relationships require an on-going investment of time, effort, energy, and commitment.

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2. You don't get to coast for very long. It seems that when things are going well, you should get to "take a break" from the relationship stuff for awhile.

But if you're not growing and evolving as individuals and as a couple, then your relationship is soon going to suffer. There's no such thing as standing still and having everything stay the same. You're either going forwards or you're going backwards.

3. Saying "I do" is not the end--it's the beginning. Some spouses feel that once they are married, they don't have to extend as much effort into being romantic or nurturing the relationship.

But a marital relationship isn't the end of the road. It's only the beginning of your opportunity to "grow your marriage" and create a rewarding relationship with your partner.

4. You're not going to change your partner after you marry. No matter how many times this statement is written or verbalized, there are many individuals who still believe that their case will be different.

Motivation to change is normally the highest before marriage when both partners want to please each other. After marriage, it's easier to become comfortable and lose motivation to work on self-growth.

Females are especially susceptible to this dynamic. Because they often are hooked by the potential that they see in their partner, they're convinced that they can change him. This usually leads to a rude awakening after marriage.

5. You can't give what you don't already have. You have to be happy and at peace with yourself before you can create a happy, peaceful, harmonious marriage.

Marriage won't make you happy. Only you can do that. If you're not happy with yourself and your life when you get married, nothing will change significantly afterwards.

6. Frequent emotional housekeeping is required for intimacy to thrive. It doesn't take long for a marriage to develop serious problems when emotional debris from unresolved conflicts and issues piles up.

This is why good communication is important. Couples who can't talk about their differences and resolve conflict are at high risk for divorce. Feelings of passion, emotional intimacy, and heartfelt connection are all dependent on good communication.

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7. The words you say are important, so pick them carefully. You can't expect the spouse you called a "witch" or "fool" at 8:00 p.m. to be thrilled at the thought of sex with you at 9:00 p.m.

By the words you use in your interactions with your partner, you impact how your spouse feels about you. Harsh, unkind words fuel anger, resentment, and bitterness. Kind words build rapport, respect, and caring.

The words you use to yourself and others when talking about your spouse and your marriage are also important. When you devalue someone or something verbally, it affects your feelings and perceptions. Negativity spreads like a virus.

8. Just because you dislike your partner intensely at the moment doesn't mean that you don't love him or her. It's normal to have mixed feelings toward your spouse at times.

Sometimes your inner two-year-old will appear in your reactions--you know, the one who could stomp his feet and scream "I hate you, Mommy!" when he didn't get his own way. There are times when spouses can't stand each other and the feelings of closeness and connection lessen. But that doesn't mean that the marriage is over or that the love is permanently gone.

9. Success in marriage, as in life, is an inside job. The breakthroughs happen when you take responsibility for your actions and attitudes and focus on what changes you can make to improve the relationship.

It's important to learn how to stay centered and balanced emotionally as much as possible, and that requires inner work on yourself. Learning to be more self-aware will help you better understand your part in creating the present situation.

10. There's no end to growth. There's always something else to experience and learn. You can always improve your relationship skills and grow more as a person.

Unlike school where you eventually get a diploma if you meet the requirements, you never "graduate" from relationship school. Just when you think you've learned to keep your equilibrium in your relationship, something is sure to throw you off balance as if to test you.

And in the areas where you resist growth, you'll find yourself endlessly repeating unproductive patterns. Then you have a choice--to stay stuck or keep on growing.

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One of the most common marriage problems in recent times is entering into marriage with the expectation that it is likely to fail.

Failure is a state of mind, marriages will fail if you expect them to fail because you are constantly looking out for all kinds of common marriage problems and that initial indication that the marriage is about to go wrong.

Very few people can boast that they have a perfect marriage and most that do have purely overlooked a myriad of common marriage problems because they have learned the art of resolving marriage problems before they become an issue. Most couples who believe they have a perfect marriage have just learned how to meet each others needs, resolve common marriage problems quickly and effectively and are prepared to make an effort when it comes to marriage.

If you enter into marriage believing that the union is until death do you part you have a far greater chance of success. Those couples with a positive attitude towards marriage are far more likely to be able to resolve common marriage problems without such problems infringing on their quality of life and their marriage.

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Take for example incompatibility. This is a common favourite in the divorce courts which is quite ironic given the saying 'opposites attract'. It makes you think about what kind of common marriage problems would lead to incompatibility. I've heard some couples say it's because one of them is too messy or leaves their dirty washing on the floor.

A couple a know recently split up basically over the fact that they never saw each other which is another common marriage problem that regularly leads to the destruction of marriage. Just a little effort could have saved this marriage, she liked to keep fit so went to a couple of sessions a week and nights out with the girls and he liked pool and a night out with the lads. Stupidly, and a common problem in marriage, they chose to let this impact on six out of seven nights a week so it was no wonder that they grew apart.

If you enter into marriage you need to do so with the thought that most common marriage problems can and should be resolved before they start to destroy the foundations of the marriage. You have to be prepared to work at marriage and spend time keeping your marriage alive.

If you expect to fail you will fall foul of common marriage problems and you will fail but if you expect to succeed than the chances are that you will learn the joys of the perfect marriage that the minority rave about.

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Intimacy means transparency and sharing. Share and express your emotions with your spouse? Consider too your spouse's feelings. If you exclude your spouse emotionally, this means that your marriage lacks intimacy.

Some people just keep being overly concerned with their everyday issues rather than share worries and problems with their spouse. To talk about these concerns to friends other than your spouse is a big mistake. Your spouse is the closest relative you have so he must be the very first one to know what's going on with you.

Another way to improve intimacy in your relationship is to spend more time with your spouse. There are many ways and times you can spend together. In the night before you sleep, in the morning when you wake up, when you come back from work, as you watch television together, have your meal on the table; doing some recreations are opportunities to keep the fire burning inside your bond of marriage. The more you talk together and share things together, the more intimate you become. But intimacy will not only be developed by words, but also by actions. Loving acts are perceived by your spouse. His appreciation will grow and will reciprocate somehow. Love in action will mean much to him. You can talk about many things such as; your wedding day, memories when you were happy together and how both of you worked hand and hand to solve your problems. Couples who ignore the importance of sharing moments together are not aware that someday their love for each other will cool off and their marriage will collapse.

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If your relationship is intimate physically and emotionally, then it would be easier for you to develop positive attitudes such as kindness, self-control, understanding, tenderness and your love will flourish even more as years go by. But you should know that creating intimacy is an ongoing process and needs constant effort. Creating intimacy in your marriage can be a long-term benefit. You will be happier and more satisfied knowing you are dwelling a peaceful, secure and calm haven of marriage. Does that sound good to you?

But sometimes even we do all things to be intimate with our spouse, we know life is not always full of sunshine and roses; no relationship is perfect in this world, at times we fight and argue and to the point that it seems our relationship starts to be wrecked. If those hard times will come, we need to put forth effort to get back our love one. Strive to stop break up and save your marriage.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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