How To Change My Husband Towards Me: How To Change Husband Behavior

You wouldn't believe the amount of husbands and wives that come up to me and say "Nicola, how do I get my Spouse to Change? "If you are trying to save your marriage by desperately attempting to change your partner to no avail - STOP!

Want your partner to exercise more? Stop social media? Drink less? Stop nagging or yelling? Clean up more? Pay you more attention? Be more sociable? Be more intimate? You are not alone. I see many individuals struggle to change their partner. They typically find that their attempts fail or worse, false promises are given that are never followed through on. Which creates distrust and can further damage the relationship. Or perhaps you find that occasionally they do change, but within a few days revert back to their old habits. That's because they NEVER really decided to change! They were pressured into changing. Then there are those who are trying to save their marriage and find their efforts are constantly squashed with statements like "it won't work for us" or "We've already tried that and it didn't work. If this is happening then it's best to let the change come from them, not by your suggestion.

Now you're probably thinking, "makes sense, but isn't there anything I can do to encourage my spouse's choices?" Is there anything I can do to change them and our relationship? YES there is! You can be the change you want to see in them! You can be an inspiring example to them by showing your commitment to the relationship, willingness to change and by doing so affect their behavior.

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Claim your power to create change in your relationship, now. Start by looking at your current behavior and what you can change. This is what I do with the individuals I work with, we discuss in confidence the challenges they are facing and come up with different ways to respond. Read what happened to a couple I coached below.

When Laurie and Ed were first dating, she used to exercise and socialize with him all the time. They ran, cycled and played tennis together during the day, and went for drinks, meals and movies in the evenings. When Laurie fell pregnant, she stopped participating in activities with Ed. Ed had hoped after their child was born she would be is play mate again. That didn't happen. Laurie was no longer interested in sports, socializing or him (he thought). Their two boys were her sole interest. Laurie was upset that Ed didn't want to spend time with them as a family and made up for his absence by focusing even more on their children. She desperately wanted him to play a more active role in the family, including childcare, family outings, school events etc. She felt Ed had abandoned her and the more time he spent out; working, exercising and socializing, the more she refused to go out. Anger, frustration and resentment was building and they were drifting apart at an alarming rate. Ed was not the father Laurie hoped he would be and Laurie was not the fun, sociable, soul mate Ed thought he had married. Both wanted the other to change.

It was Ed that approached me, asking whether we could discuss if his marriage was over or could be saved. He shared that he felt depressed going home and although he loved his children, he found his wife and home life dull and boring. He said to me that he had tried everything, date nights and surprise tickets for evenings out, weekend breaks, romantic getaways, but everything he suggested was rejected. For years they had little intimacy and in truth were living parallel lives. They didn't argue much but when they did they it was fierce. Both would say hurtful things, which they later regretted, despite this the cycled continued.

I advised Ed to stop pressurizing Laurie to change and do things he wanted to do. You may think people hate change, but I believe it is not that humans hate change, we just hate IMPOSED change. Think about it. When we Initiate change we have no problem with it. But when we feel forced or manipulated to change, then we resist with all our might. Half way through our session Ed said "Nicola this is really useful, I want Laurie to come. Let's book her a session for next week." You cannot book anyone anything unless they decide, I advised him to explain what he discovered and leave her to make her own choices. Being told to change or go to counseling can cause a lot of resistance. Which is why if an individual comes to me for marriage counseling and wants their spouse to join them, and their spouse doesn't want to, it is best to leave it. As, you run the risk of them never changing. Just like when I help people change habits, smoking, over eating and drinking etc, the desire has to come from them.

So what can you do? How can you change them by changing yourself? I suggested for Ed to change two things his actions and reactions in arguments. Actions suggested included; giving affection, making time for intimate conversation, planning activities she wanted to do, committing to the family and admiring the work she was doing. We choose these as we outlined her top emotional needs, (which I assessed from Ed's description of their arguments). Instead of coming home from work late, turning on the news, and pouring a glass wine, Ed hugged and kissed his wife, asked her how her day was, ask whether the children or she needed anything to be done. Later that evening he would focus on her wants and wishes for the weekend, holidays and year ahead. Ed also kept in contact if he was working late, away on trips, making sure the conversation was directed to her day, needs and wants.

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After a few days of shock and adjusting, Laurie began asking him similar questions. He was able to share his highs and lows of the day, what he was desiring most and what he wanted to do that weekend month and year. She loved the attention and affection she was getting and it made her want to do more for him. They often slept in separate rooms, but Laurie no longer would let that happen, which was really pleased about. Ed also noticed how she started doing her makeup and hair again, the more he complimented and was kind to her, the warmer she was to him. A month later she surprised him with tickets to his favorite music concert and arranged childcare for the weekend. The more they communicated, the more they felt connected and did things for each other.

Laurie told Ed she had felt abandoned and Ed shared he felt neglected. It was the lack of openness and honesty had caused them to drift apart and also lead to heated arguments. As most of the rows they had were when one of them exploded. When I asked what triggered them to explode, they were laughing and said it was something small (like a sock on the floor or over a household chore). Their angry outbursts were a result of an accumulation of things they bottled up until they had had enough. Their arguments would escalate because they kept bringing out each others' past mistakes. By being honest and making time to talk regularly, any issues could be addressed then and there.

If you've had the same argument over and over, state that you will not rehash the issue and leave the room if you feel like exploding. But if you've not expressed your feelings previously, do share how you feel with your spouse, rather than carrying resentment. Ed didn't realize now how his selfish attitude "I'll do what I want to do" made Laurie not want to do anything he wanted to do. When he started acting unselfishly, she put him at the top of her priorities again.

If you are currently hoping to change your partner, I encourage you to take control and change your approach. It's easier than you may think. When they can see you giving, they will give. It works even if you believe that your spouse has lost all hope and won't put in any effort. This happened to Jenny, her husband Brian had emotionally checked out of the marriage, but she was committed to turn it around. Talking through Jenny's marriage, she realized just how miserable she acting around him and how her constant complaining was driving him away. She moaned at him for never being there for her, and how he never did anything right. This had to change! In our session she made a vow to focus on making herself and him happy. She no longer would moan, complain or argue. Everyday she would do things she thought would make him happy and a long list to make herself happy. When she started doing things for him without expecting anything in return, stopped moaning, and was always upbeat making jokes, he found her irresistible.

In summary, your spouse will only change if they want to. And the more you try to persuade, push or ask them the less likely they will. I know it's frustrating. But you have to let the change come from them. So focus on what you can do for them. Just think for a minute about the love you have for your children. Do you love them because what they do for you? Is it because they are such angels? Of course not. The love you feel for your children is a result of what YOU DO FOR THEM. The love you feel in your marriage is a result of what YOU DO too.

So as Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see." It's YOU changing that will have the greatest impact on YOUR EXPERIENCE of your marriage AND it's YOU changing that will be the single most important thing you can do to motivate your spouse to change.

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Warning: the contents of this article may upset you. In fact, I strongly recommend that you close this page. If you're like most people, you have a child-like naïveté about romance. I don't want to spoil that. Sure, you were able to handle the truth about Santa Claus and the tooth fairy (oops, you didn't know about the tooth fairy? Sorry...), but maybe you're not ready to learn about love's painful truths.

Okay, if you're reading this paragraph, you're either very curious, stubborn, or downright foolish. I warned you not to read further, so if you continue, do so at your own risk.

Twelve painful truths about love:

1. Love will not make you happy-not in the long run. In fact, it's never been love's job to make anyone happy. But for some reason, more and more people enter into relationships thinking that they've signed up for a life full of happiness.

2. Love is unpredictable and offers no guarantees. If it's certainty that you're after, do yourself (and your partner) a favor and remain in the dugout. When you've entered the game of love, you've gambled-like it or not. There's no way around this truth.

3. Love is not enough to keep your relationship healthy and running smoothly. Although the Beatles announced that all we need is love, the truth is they were wrong. (And just for the record, love didn't prevent John, Paul, George and Ringo from ending up divorced.)

4. You can love someone and not like them. Life can be pretty unpleasant living with someone you love but don't like. For some reason, couples stop behaving in ways that maintain their likability factor. Big mistake.

5. Love doesn't keep passion alive-passion keeps passion alive. If you don't nurture romance and eroticism, you'll end up in the land of platonic love. While this might work for some, many unhappily deny their need for sex in order to preserve their relationship.

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6. You can feel lonely and still be in love. This painful truth often results from a lack of trust or an inability to take the risk of sharing all of yourself with your partner. People who feel lonely are vulnerable to looking outside their relationship for what's missing (ironically, this pattern of loneliness can follow you from relationship to relationship).

7. That old adage, "Love is blind" has merit. Your feelings (and your desire to be in love) can obscure certain painful truths about your partner, especially in the beginning of the relationship. Rather than appropriately dealing with the shortcomings of your relationship as they arise, your myopic love-vision may allow problems to fester and grow, and before you know it, love is a thing of the past.

8. Even within committed, stable relationships, love can be imbalanced and inconstant. You may find that you love or need your partner more than s/he loves or needs you. And at other times the reverse might be true. Because humans are dynamic, evolving creatures, the love they feel for each other is also subject to change over time.

9. Love involves a fall from grace. People often enter relationships with unrealistic expectations and ideals that have more to do with a Hollywood script than real life. If love guided you into the arms of your partner, it's up to you to toss the Hollywood script and prepare for the day-to-day work needed for love to survive.

10. Being in love can hurt. Loving the wrong person hurts even more. Here's the irony: if you want to receive the gifts of intimacy, you must humbly stand at love's door without the protective armor that has shielded you throughout your single life. When you take this risk, the joys and wonders of life intensify-and, sometimes, so do life's sorrows.

11. For some reason, love doesn't prevent ruts, arguments, or unreasonableness. If you forget this truth, you are less likely to remain committed to each other through the inevitable downturns that all relationships travel.

12. The love you feel may not last. This is especially the case when couples fail to give their relationship the attention and effort needed to keep it healthy. Because of the euphoria that accompanies new love, you might falsely assume that your relationship is immune to the struggles others face. The reality is, all relationships (even yours) are vulnerable and can buckle under stress.

There you have it, some unattractive truths about love. Are you still willing to step up to the plate and enter the game of love? If you're like most, you probably answered "yes" to this question. Despite all the risks, people love being in love. If you're the type of person who idealizes love, keep this list handy and refer back to it just in case you need a dose of reality.

Next, click here now to find out why your spouse is lying to you about the reasons they want a divorce. Follow the information step by step and you will discover the truth, cut through the lies and pain, stop divorce dead in its tracks, and rebuild the strong, intimate marriage you've always wanted... even if your spouse doesn't want to!

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My heart goes out to those of you who are reading this because I know firsthand the pain and hopelessness of a broken marriage. For those who can weather the storm and stay strong, you can learn how to fix a broken marriage. Even when divorce seems inevitable, your marriage can be saved. Please take the time to read this article and then click on the link at the bottom to take action.

The range of emotions you are feeling right now is probably hard to put into words. And more than likely you have been hurting for awhile. Even if the divorce was a complete shock to you as mine was to me, there were probably signs that things were not going well between you and your spouse. Despite all of this though, most of these marriages can still be saved. Even if your spouse is asking for a divorce! I know this to be true because my marriage was saved even after my wife said it was over. And thousands of other couples have had the same experience.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply click here!

In an emotional time like this, you'll need to avoid the common mistakes that so many people make that can doom your chances to fix your broken marriage. You will need to learn what to do, what to say and the specific step by step approach that will practically guarantee your success. The wonderful thing about this is that you can begin implementing this approach with no effort being put forth by your spouse. Your actions alone will change the dynamics of the relationship!

But they must be the right kind of actions. In fact, the steps you take over the next few hours, days and weeks ahead may very well make or break your chance to fix your broken marriage. Time is not on your side right now and the longer you wait, the less your chance of success. Therefore, it's very important to make the right choices as soon as possible!

Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.

Are you facing a divorce when you have tried to save your marriage and everything you've tried has failed? Despite your best efforts, do you feel like you are in this alone, without any help from your spouse? There is a powerful plan to save your marriage and it works when everything else has failed. This article may be the most important one you ever read!

Facing a divorce that you don't want can be a frightening and lonely feeling. You might not have been prepared for this and this is very common. Usually divorce involves a spouse who wants out and one who wants to save the marriage. As troubling as this may sound though, many of these marriages can be saved. All too often people give in because they think it's hopeless, or they make attempts to change the other persons mind and actually end up making the situation worse!

What if your spouse already left you? Here's how to get them back.

There are a number of very common mistakes that people make when they are facing a divorce. These mistakes will actually cause the other person to pull away even further and convince them all the more that divorce is the best solution. The truth is, if you want to save your marriage from divorce, there is a powerful plan that tells you what mistakes to avoid and a step by step plan for what to do and say instead. Not only will you save your marriage from divorce, but the two of you can create a marriage better than you ever thought possible.

I was absolutely devastated when my wife told me she wanted a divorce. This happened a few years ago and I felt like my world had come crumbling down. I was completely unprepared for what to do; I just knew I didn't want a divorce! When everything I tried nearly cost me my marriage, I learned about an approach that changed everything. What was so amazing about it is that we got results even though she had initially told me our marriage was over.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

Author's Bio: 

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There are specific techniques that will show you exactly what to do and what to say to get your spouse back in your arms- Especially if you are the only one trying... Visit Save The Marriage to find out more.

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